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Q My wife is pushing me to have a third child and I just don’t want to go down that road. We already have two healthy children whom I don’t see enough of, as I travel extensively for work. I don’t want to miss out on a third child’s life. My wife and I both had good jobs when we first married. She got pregnant a little quicker than we had planned and just before we found out, I was given a chance opportunity to take on a role that included a large pay raise but meant a lot of travel. I took the position thinking we should take advantage of the increased income before we started our family. As life would have it, my wife conceived quicker than we had planned, and my position has lasted longer than originally anticipated. Our daughter has grown up largely without me around, and our younger daughter also rarely gets special time alone with her daddy. I don’t want to spread myself even thinner, disappointing yet another person. How can I explain all of this to my wife so she can see it from my point of view? Absentee Dad A I think you’ve explained it very well to me. I suggest you try again with your wife. If she still doesn’t see it the way you do, perhaps it would behoove you to find a marriage counsellor who can help you both see the other’s side. Maybe your wife is filling your absence with another human to love because she feels neglected. Perhaps she wants your two existing daughters to have more people around who they can love and be loved by. Perhaps she’s already pregnant and doesn’t know how to tell you. You need to speak with her, openly and honestly. It’s important to work together as a team, to maintain your loving marriage and family. Q One of my teenage daughters is absolutely horrid to her little brother. We have four children: two teenage daughters, a school-aged boy and a very young daughter. Our eldest daughter is lovely to the baby and decent to her little sister but she is mean to her little brother. I have tried talking to her about it, as has my husband. She can’t give a good reason for her nasty behaviour but also won’t change. Her behaviour is having the opposite effect than she wants, we think, as we all rush to protect her brother from her vitriol. You can imagine this infuriates her. How can we get her to change her attitude? It’s having a seriously negative effect on the entire family. Teenage Dynamics A I don’t think this is as it seems on the surface. There’s something else going on with your daughter and she is using her little brother as target practice. Although negative, she’s getting attention from both you and her father, which may be what she’s looking for. I think it would help for her to have someone to talk to, if she’s not willing or able to open up to you or your husband. An aunt, a grandmother, even a close family friend may be able to glean more information. And if that doesn’t work, maybe she would benefit from speaking to a therapist. In the meantime, naturally, you’ll need to safeguard your son from his sister. It’s extremely important this dynamic doesn’t last longer than necessary because the longer it lasts, the more embedded it becomes in your family’s default dynamic. And that won’t bode well for anyone. FEEDBACK Regarding the employee who can’t canvas (Aug. 4): Reader: “My initial reaction to this writer’s problem was that I like being called ‘miss’ and that being called ‘ma’am’ feels patronizing (I’m 78). Also, I am completely sympathetic with the fact that they are required by their employer to use and memorize a script. I can hear a script a mile away and it always turns me off. “My advice would be, while keeping necessary points, to make the pitch your own. Try to tailor it to your audience. Try not to memorize it. Have a few salient points and put them in your own words.” FEEDBACK Regarding advice (Aug. 7): Reader: “I don’t think you should report responses you don’t agree with. This allows people, men especially, to view their way of thinking as an acceptable alternative, when it’s not.” Lisi: I don’t agree with you.
