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This week: The anti-Halloween watch list. Never change, Jennifer Lawrence. The one good Halloween costume. Real Housewives is cinema. Great advice from my husband. The Halloween Haters Guide Like so many of us, I’ll never forget begging my parents for the one thing I wanted to be for Halloween. In my case, it was “child who gets to stay home.” I don’t know when I became a Spooky Season Scrooge, but it’s a curmudgeonly instinct that has burrowed deep into my personality. Halloween is a day for my nephews and all of my friends’ kids to look cute in their costumes, me to like the Instagram photos of them being adorable, and possibly tolerate a dog dressed as a bumble bee. The *gestures wildly like he’s landing an airplane* hoopla that has surrounded adult Halloween? Banish it all. I was walking down the subway platform yesterday and a man dressed as a zombie with makeup that I can only imagine took four-to-seven hours to put on walked towards me, and I had an IRL Wendy Williams “what was that?” moment that gave me momentary cardiac arrest. I saw a Duane Reade employee decorating for Halloween in August and immediately asked to speak to their manager. One time I was assigned by the Daily Beast to write a guide to creating the best pop culture-themed Halloween costumes, and out of protest, I just photoshopped my head onto photos of the moment’s biggest celebrities. I think I was 10 the first time I was allowed to stay home instead of going trick-or-treating, but the deal was that I had to hand out the candy. If you were visibly above the age of 12, I simply shut the door in your face. Halloween especially annoys me as a pop culture lover, because it convinces us to debase ourselves. We are better than those terrible horror and slasher movies that your friend said it would be “fun” to watch in honor of the holiday. No sitcom has done a good Halloween episode since Roseanne, which is now icky to be a fan of. (OK, Modern Family had one good one.) I’m gay, so obviously I love Hocus Pocus. But also, enough with Hocus Pocus. So, if you will indulge me on this Halloween weekend during which I will be drawing the curtains, pouring a pint glass of white wine, and pretending that people aren’t running amok outside my apartment, I’ve curated a list of great things airing and streaming right now that I think you should watch and have nothing to do with ghosts and witches and serial killers. Just good stuff that deserves attention instead of that s--tty horror movie you were going to put on out of some spooky obligation. Think of it as the Halloween Hater’s Guide. Jurassic World Rebirth I want you to still have fun on Halloween weekend, so watch this latest Jurassic Universe sequel, which is utterly ludicrous—yet still a blast. On Peacock this weekend, this movie leans full-tilt into the goofiness of the franchise, and it is so enjoyable because of it. Plus, you’ll get to witness one of the greatest moments in cinematic history: Jonathan Bailey in his sl-tty little glasses. Sorry, Baby Maybe you want to do something that will really scare people this Halloween: have some taste. Watch Sorry, Baby, the Sundance smash that is now available on HBO Max. It is one of the most exquisite movies of the year, following a woman whose life path has exploded after a traumatic incident—but that she continues down on with grit and observant, relatable humor. It’s such a good movie. I Love LA I Love LA knows that its characters rank among the most insufferable humans a person would have the misfortune of meeting—and yet knows how recognizable and common they are. It’s like Girls meets Entourage, but set in the world of Gen Z influencers. If that’s a description that inspires rage, you should watch this show, which premieres on HBO on Sunday. Because that fury will, more often than not, devolve into laughter. Down Cemetery Road I have to admit that I’ve only seen the first episode of this new Apple TV mystery, which premiered this week as a sister show, or sorts, to Slow Horses. Obviously, there is no resisting Emma Thompson as a boorish, foul-mouthed, and cynical detective. It’s almost like Thompson knew so many of us are despondent in current times, and needed her to play a part like this to cheer us up. Wife Swap: Housewives Edition My voice is hoarse from singing the praises of the current seasons of Real Housewives that are airing. So instead, let me point you towards this nostalgic remix. I don’t know why, as a high school boy, I was obsessed with the reality series Wife Swap, but it is for some reason a touchstone in my pop culture history. So the fact that they’ve revived it with fan-favorite Real Housewives trading lives with ordinary women? Masterful television. (I cried during the premiere.) You can watch it on Peacock. Dancing With the Stars I have been validated in my suspicion that it is cool again to love Dancing With the Stars, this season of which I’ve been borderline obsessed with. Citing empirical data and ratings numbers, Vulture just decreed that “The Hottest Show on TV is 20 Years Old.” Going to smugly cha-cha-cha away now. Hedda I watched Hedda at the Virginia Film Festival and, given how visually arresting and sumptuous it is, was so happy to interview its production designer, Cara Brower, after the screening. It is such a taut, pulse-pounding take on the Ibsen play, powerfully steered by Tessa Thompson and Nina Hoss in the leads. And, my god, it’s so gorgeous to look at. Go to Prime Video and see for yourself. Nobody Wants This The fact that this isn’t a perfect show kind of aligns with its central thesis that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. That said, even with all its messiness, I’d kill for a romance like the one Joanne (Kristen Bell) and Noah (Adam Brody) have, where differences in what they want and need from each other serve as both thorns in their side and a reason to communicate even more deeply and intimately. Plus, it’s funny. Sinners Basically any occasion you have to watch Sinners, one of the coolest and best movies of the year, you should. It’s on HBO Max, and (sigh) I guess it’s vaguely Halloween-y, what with vampires and whatever. You’re welcome. Of All Things to Regret… Jennifer Lawrence is the most refreshing celebrity we have. She’s an A-lister who, at the very least, doesn’t project that she’s obsessed with her image and how she comes across. She’s self-effacing and self-deprecating, and as such, is hilarious and relatable. Which is why I’m so dismayed that she gave an interview talking about past interviews where she exhibited that personality and, now, regrets it—even at one point felt rejected because of it. “Well, it is, or it was, my genuine personality, but it was also a defense mechanism [to be self-deprecating to the press],” she told Variety. “And so it was a defense mechanism, to just be, like, ‘I’m not like that! I poop my pants every day!’ … I look at those interviews, and that person is annoying. I get why seeing that person everywhere would be annoying," Lawrence told The New Yorker. “I felt—I didn’t feel, I was, I think—rejected not for my movies, not for my politics, but for me, for my personality.” Celebrities today are soooooo boring. If I had an unlimited character count, I would tack on about 450 more o’s to that soooooo. When Jennifer Lawrence would give an interview, it was like getting a jolt from a defibrillator after lifelining from industry boredom. I hate that she felt rejected for it, or regrets it. And I think I’m not alone: The Only Halloween Costume I’ll Tolerate I will never forget when I first learned the legend of Poot Lovato. An unflattering photograph was once taken of Demi Lovato, which inspired the lore of Poot. That photo, according to the meme, was an unveiling: “Demi’s twin sister. She was locked in a basement her whole life. This picture was taken the first time she went outside. Her name is Poot.” I truly don’t know what it was about the whole thing—the photo, the silliness of how serious the myth was—but, at my desk at the Daily Beast office, I laughed so hard that I lost my breath, started wheezing, and began crying. Multiple people came to check on me. I tried to explain what I was laughing at, but couldn’t say the word “Poot” without going feral cackling again. So you can only imagine my delight at seeing that Demi Lovato dressed as Poot for Halloween. If you need me, I will be in the corner hysterically laughing for the next hour. Reality TV as Cinema If you are a reality TV fan, it is your civic duty to watch this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, which was one for the ages. The episode, which was a crossover with Below Deck Down Under, took place on a yacht, featured one of the most epic dinner scenes in Housewives history, and ended with this gorgeous, cinematic shot: I would make that common joke of “hang it the Louvre,” but we all now know what happens with treasures that are housed there. My Husband Is Back It’s been a while since I’ve raved about my husband, Jonathan Bailey. He was honored at the TIME 100 Next Gala, and gave a speech talking about how we are technically more connected than ever, but also more isolated by technology. So he encouraged us to commune again, with people we love, to feel the joy of togetherness: “Here’s to house parties. Here’s to cinemas. Here’s to watching TV with friends. Here’s to listening parties. To inviting people around to chat. Here’s to sl-t dropping in packs. To meeting in parks. To experiencing life together.” I would break a knee and/or a hip if I attempted a sl-t drop, but I was really touched by the sentiment. I don’t allow myself to feel proud of many things in life, but I am immensely proud of the friends I have surrounded myself with and how long and deep those relationships are. It’s nice to have a reminder to take those friendships out of the group chat and into real life, because it is joyous and rejuvenating. And if there’s an idea to have a watch party, luckily, I have the expertise in figuring out just what to watch. Let me know if you need a recommendation. More From The Daily Beast’s Obsessed The search for the next Hallmark Christmas movie hunk is must-see TV. Read more. Why people are raging over the ending of this Netflix movie. Read more. The story behind the most dramatic romance twist yet on The Morning Show. Read more. What to watch this week: Dracula: Everyone is craving an X-rated Dracula movie, right? (Now in theaters) The Witcher: We should all have a Hemsworth brother on call to help out in a pinch. (Now on Netflix) All’s Fair: The lawyer thriller series starring Kim Kardashian and Glenn Close is out next week…and I am intrigued. (Tues. on Hulu)
