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"My grandmother is 87 and hasn’t talked to her sister, who is 93, for 10 years." "Dear Family Beef, my grandmother is 87 and hasn’t talked to her sister, who is 93, for 10 years. They have always been at odds on and off and live on different continents, but used to at least have phone calls on their birthdays. But something just broke down a few years back and now neither of them picks up the phone or answer each other’s letters. At least from my grandma’s perspective, she said it is a dumb fight she now considers trivial." "Recently, she said she doesn’t expect to talk to her sister again and simply said, 'It is what it is.' But I am worried she’s going to have regrets if they are never able to reconcile or at least talk again. Plus, she’s been dealing with more and more health issues this year and is no longer able to travel back to her home country where her sister still lives. My siblings and I have talked about this a lot because there’s a whole side of the family we’re afraid we’ll never be close to or get to know because of her decision. Is there a way to help them along and connect again? Or should we stay out of it?" — Estranger Dear Estranger, An estrangement or separation in the family — even if it’s not your conflict — can be a devastating thing. It can be even more so when it’s one of those dusty old fights where the details remain fuzzy or one or both parties aren’t even invested in the original argument anymore. The initial issue may be dismissed as “trivial” but the hurt, compounded by a decade of silence, certainly isn’t. Add in the fact that it’s a relative experiencing health troubles and the whole situation goes from standard family drama to something that can have you thinking about mortality, and connection, and how much time has been sunk into being apart real quick. These aren’t bad things to think about, of course, but they do ask us to spend more time sitting with these feelings and really listening to them. 1. Separate yourself from their conflict. So let’s start with the easier piece: Your ability to connect with your great aunt and that side of your family can be a separate thing from your grandma’s ability to connect with her sister. Those two have a shared history and dynamic that is theirs, and you are not required to carry that history or energy into your own dynamics. “It’s OK for family members to still reach out and connect to people that they don’t have a conflict with. Just because Grandma and Aunt Bessie don’t talk doesn’t mean I need to allow that to interfere in my relationships,” Catherine Hickem, LCSW, told HuffPost. “However, it’s extremely important that the boundaries are really clear.” These boundaries can look like not talking about the family members who are in conflict to one another, agreeing to not relitigate the past when you are together, or otherwise maintaining that your relationship to your great aunt and her side of the family is a separate one from your relationship to your grandma. You’re all autonomous people and you don’t need to borrow the hurt from their conflict. “Although it may feel uncomfortable to speak your truth, honesty is key when pursuing a connection with a family member who has been estranged,” Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and author, told HuffPost. “To avoid confrontation, some people go behind the scenes to connect with an estranged family member, but this often creates stress and anxiety due to the lack of transparency.” My suggestion would be that you and your siblings sit down with your grandma and explain your feelings and reasoning too — which can even be a gateway to starting future conversations about your grandma’s feelings, this decade-old conflict, and what she really wants to do with that relationship going forward. And, if you experience some pushback or additional conflict about your decision, Manley says it’s important to “maintain your boundaries with gentle clarity and strength.” “Although this feels uncomfortable and even highly distressful, those who love you will ultimately honor your desire to create a connection with someone you care about,” she said. From there, Manley also has some advice for reconnecting with your aunt on your own terms: “You can show interest in reconnection by sending a birthday card, holiday greeting, or a brief ‘I’d like to reconnect’ message by mail. This allows the relative time to process the idea of being in contact again. By moving forward in a non-pressuring way, the door to reconnection often opens slowly.” 2. Approach with curiosity and compassion. Now, the tough part. One of the challenges in navigating other people’s conflicts is that what happens next — whether they reach resolution or not, whether they choose a path they’ll regret — is out of your hands. You can’t force a fix or make someone want the same outcome, and you might need to be at peace with building separate relationships with your loved ones as they are. That does mean ultimately accepting and respecting their decisions on this front, even if you don’t agree. “It’s very important to avoid pressuring someone to reconnect with a family member; pressure often creates increased resistance and psychological stress,” Manley said. “It’s also key to avoid telling a family member what they ‘should’ do; this type of attitude has a very shaming quality that works against healthy communication. People tend to be more receptive when you use ‘I’ statements versus ‘you’ statements (‘I feel sad about the loss of connection’ versus ‘You should connect with your sister before it’s too late’).” Manley also emphasized that third parties will want to avoid being patronizing or disrespectful when trying to approach these personal conversations — especially with your older relatives: “Instead, adopt a mindset of nonjudgmental curiosity that allows the family member space to ponder and share their perspective. In this way, you can actually open doors to connection rather than eliciting an unconsciously defensive response.” Instead, Hickem suggests there can be an opportunity for vulnerability, compassion, and curiosity to lead the way. In particular, you can have a conversation that sheds some more light on the emotional impact of that “trivial” initial conflict: “I would start with the conversation and say, ‘Can we talk about what happened in your heart when this happened with Aunt So-and-So?’ And I would also ask: ‘What’s the fear?’ What’s the fear that has prohibited her from wanting to reach out? Is it her pride? Is it the fear of being further rejected? The fear that they cannot create a win-win?” And then you can do some listening and try to really hear and understand her POV. Without knowing too much about their reasons for becoming estranged, I think the best bet is to really try to check any of your preconceived notions about their fight and instead try to understand how your grandma has felt for the last 10 years. “Any family member who has a heart of sincerity to love well can be generously curious and ask great questions. And then [you can] step back, give them some time to get rooted, and then come back and revisit. If it’s important to you, it needs to not go away just because you had one conversation,” Hickem said. “I think the most important thing is that there’s gentleness and that this isn’t about power, this isn’t about control; this is about love, this is about respect, this is about connection, and that we really want to pass on generational blessings, not generational conflicts.“ 3. “When someone point-blank asks you that, it’s a wake-up call.” Hickem notes that, as you sort through the emotions of the conflict, there’s also a chance to talk with your grandma about “legacy” and how she wants to be remembered — which can be a really powerful conversation for any family to have with their elders. “I think it’s OK for the younger generation to bring up legacy: ‘What do you want the legacy for our family to be like?’ When someone point-blank asks you that, it’s a wake-up call,” Hickem said. “What values do you want us to remember? What’s important for us to carry on? As that older adult thinks about that…it’s an opportunity to plant the seeds.” Health issues and other life events can be a factor in making folks reconsider what really matters to them, too. “I think crisis typically is the catalyst for change,” Hickem said. “A sudden loss, an accident of some kind can cause us to step back and realize what really matters. Too often we can get really hyper-focused on the trivial things, on being right. But if we’re dying on the hill of being right, we’re probably going to be alone a lot of the time.” And, unsurprisingly, these events can bring certain values and desires into focus — which is an opportunity to disrupt the patterns that can separate family over a “trivial” conflict for a decade. But that alone isn’t necessarily enough to bridge some gaps. “The realization of life’s fragility and the rapid passage of time can surely lead some family members to heal or let go of old wounds,” Manley said. “However, sometimes damage is so severe and wounds are so deep that a family member may feel that they cannot safely reconnect with someone who has harmed them. And, of course, some people are prone to hold on to resentment and are unwilling to forgive even slight hurts. In looking at family estrangement and the potential for reconnection after longstanding feuds, the individuals’ personality types, histories, and current context all play vital roles in the outcome.” Two sisters with a decade’s worth of hurt and a lifetime’s worth of history might have their reasons for wanting (or not wanting) to reconnect. But, all the same, choosing to take this conflict out of the deep freeze and understand it more does seem like a way you can get closer with your family and grow together. “It can take great courage to reach out to an estranged family member, but the results can be incredibly healing,” Manley said. “When family members are willing to move forward in new ways, healthy lifelong relationships are truly possible.” Family Beef is our family advice column at HuffPost Family. Have a beef you want us to weigh in on? Submit it here. This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
