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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, My husband and I will be hosting Thanksgiving for my family and his this year. The trouble is that my sister, “Erica,” and her husband have 5-year-old twins who are absolute tornadoes. Erica and my brother-in-law refuse to supervise or discipline them whenever they are guests in other people’s homes, and there have been more than a few instances where they have broken/stained/drawn on things. She expects everyone she visits with her kids in tow to have childproofed their home and/or have put away anything breakable before their arrival. My husband doesn’t want them here if they can’t behave, and I agree. I don’t think expecting my nephews to behave like they haven’t just wandered in from the wilderness is a big ask. The rest of my family, however, will never let it go if I don’t invite them. Can you provide a solution that doesn’t involve having to take turns with my husband in watching them while Erica and my BIL kick back and ignore them? —Double Trouble Dear Double Trouble, Your husband has the right idea. If you know having the twins over is going to lead to property damage, resentment, and stress, you shouldn’t have them over. This is a much better plan than hosting and spending the whole time resenting your sister and brother-in-law for failing to supervise their kids. The last thing you want is to put yourself in a situation in which you’re micromanaging someone else’s parenting. You’ll be full of rage and judgment, your sister will feel it, and it will damage your relationship. That’s the opposite of what’s supposed to happen on Thanksgiving! So here’s a script: “We’ve talked about it and we’ve realized our home is not child-friendly. [What you really mean is that it’s not child-friendly for totally unsupervised, high-energy, chaotic children, but you don’t have to say that explicitly.] So, can someone else step in to host? We’ll still bring all the food that I was planning to prepare, but I think we’ll all be more relaxed if we’re in an environment where Ted and Max can run freely without getting hurt or damaging anything.” If your family wants to give you a hard time over it, well, that’s their choice. When you know you’re being reasonable, the blowback doesn’t feel that bad. What would feel worse is if you hosted the holiday, and then they criticized you for being preoccupied with protecting your vases and throw pillows all day long—or for losing your cool and yelling, “Can someone control these feral children???” If you’d told me you really loved hosting and wanted to do it, I might have suggested clearing anything delicate out of at least one area, going to a thrift store and buying enough used toys to break one out every 30 minutes and keep them occupied, and/or hiring an older cousin or neighborhood teen (probably tough to arrange on Thanksgiving, but who knows?) to be on twin duty, with the mandate to “keep them alive and don’t let them break anything.” But I didn’t get that impression. So have the uncomfortable conversation before Thanksgiving—not when you’re taking a turkey out of the oven and a child is throwing a football at your TV screen—and make a plan that lets you enjoy the holiday. Dear Prudence, My wife and I are locked in a dispute over what to pass out on Halloween. She wants to hand out toothbrushes (she’s not even a dentist!) and raisins. I want to give out Kit Kats, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Skittles, and Starbursts. Her rationale is that she doesn’t want to be “complicit” in ruining the health of the kids who trick-or-treat at our place. Halloween is once a year, and I think she’s being a killjoy. I’ll admit I want to be able to eat the leftover candy, but I also don’t want to see our house get egged and toilet papered by disappointed kids later in the night. What can I do to get her to understand that giving kids candy on Halloween—a holiday that revolves around candy!—isn’t the end of the world? —Candy Isn’t a Crime Dear Candy Isn’t a Crime, Wait, dentists have railed against raisins for years for potentially causing cavities (though the jury is still out on that one)! Anyway, that’s not the point. Whoever buys the candy, puts it in the festive bowl, and answers the door gets to choose. If you share responsibility for these tasks, you can each get what you want and offer both health-ruining and non-festive options. Kids are weird, so you might be surprised to discover that they get excited about toothbrushes. The threat of being egged and toilet papered over subpar offerings feels very 1980s to me. In this era, wouldn’t the kids mock you on TikTok instead? Either way, I don’t think fear of that kind of retaliation should guide your choices. And of course, whatever happens, you are free (and encouraged) to go buy all the discounted Halloween candy you want on November 1. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, How do you help someone understand that they could solve a lot of their problems by changing the way they post on social media? They need to separate personal posts and business posts, but refuse because they say, “If you don’t like what I post, I don’t want to do business with you.” This is a person I knew in high school. They get really defensive and share way too much personal information, and also get very political. In the midst of all that, they are trying to find customers for their photography business. They can’t figure out why people aren’t calling. I truly believe a big part of it is what they post. The financial issues are causing her major problems. Any suggestions? —Concerned Friend Dear Concerned Friend, It sounds like you’re not close to this person and they haven’t asked you for advice, so file this under “not my problem,” or “hopefully they’re having an experience that they will learn from,” and keep scrolling. Classic Prudie I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I don’t preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before)…
