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Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I’m in my early 30s, and several years ago I inherited a paid-off house in one of the most expensive cities in the country. Most of my friends and coworkers are struggling to pay exorbitant rent and grocery prices. Inevitably, the insane cost of living here comes up in conversation, and they want to discuss housing costs. I try to avoid the topic, but people tend to wonder how I can afford a house in our city, in a desirable neighborhood, on one (very modest) salary. I don’t want to lie, but when they find out the truth, the reaction is almost always negative, and it makes things uncomfortable. Honestly, I get it. I’m in an extremely fortunate, enviable position that I did nothing to earn. I have no desire to share this information or rub it in anyone’s face. How can I navigate or avoid these uncomfortable situations? I feel like refusing to discuss it would reveal my circumstances anyway. Should I concoct a lie? —Grateful, Not Gloating Dear Grateful, It’s tricky to navigate financial disparities in friendships—I’ve written more about this here. While I understand that you want to be thoughtful about how you approach this with your friends, the truth is, the topic is probably going to be uncomfortable no matter what. That’s because money can be triggering for people. It can make people feel judged, resentful, misunderstood, rejected—the list goes on. Plus, our capitalist, hyper- individualistic culture makes it really easy to feel less “valuable” if you’re struggling financially. As we’ve seen recently, our society treats poverty and financial hardship like it’s some kind of moral failing—and we often punish people for it. That doesn’t mean you need to lie, though. Lying could actually backfire — if a friend finds out that you blatantly lied about your housing situation, they might feel betrayed or belittled by it. Instead, set a boundary for the conversation. You could tell them the truth, but then let them know you really don’t feel comfortable talking about it further. Something like, “I got lucky with my housing — I inherited it. But honestly, I’d prefer not to talk about my own situation, because I’ve experienced a lot of hostility and I don’t want that to get in the way of our friendship.” This way, you can listen to your friends’ challenges without centering the conversation on yourself. If someone keeps pushing the subject, you could tell them it’s personal and you’d rather not get into it. You said it yourself: You’re in an enviable position. It’s hard to keep people from responding with, well, envy. You can’t control how your friends react to the facts of your life, but there are some things you can do. First, you can acknowledge their feelings. Something like, “I hear you, it’s tough out there and so many people are struggling.” You can also reaffirm your closeness with them with something like, “Your friendship really means a lot to me, and I don’t want money to get in the way of that.” Finally, you can offer small gestures, like picking up the tab at the coffee shop. Ultimately, if someone really values your friendship, this empathy will be reciprocal. They’ll learn to respect your boundaries and not take their frustrations out on you. —Kristin More Money Advice From Slate My partner and I have been together for eight years. We are committed to each other, but neither of us wants to get married. We keep our finances separate and pay housing expenses based on a ratio of who makes more. When we moved in together and decided on this split, I made significantly more than my partner and paid a higher percentage (60/40). Over the past few years, I have gotten normal raises (think the regular 3 percent to 5 percent) and I thought she did, too, as she never said anything different. I got two big bonuses over the past few years and disclosed them both to her, and she has disclosed her bonuses to me. We use the same accountant and last week, the accountant accidentally sent my partner’s tax return to me instead of her. I didn’t realize it until I opened it up and the numbers didn’t seem right. It took me a few minutes to realize I had the wrong tax return. I was shocked to see that my partner’s income has more than doubled since we decided on our 60/40 split of expenses.
