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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’m writing because I’m deeply unsettled by something I recently discovered. I’m part of an open and consensual adult community that emphasizes honesty and communication. Recently, I connected with two people in that setting, and everything seemed respectful and mutually agreed upon. Afterward, however, I learned something that has left me shaken. The two people I was with are actually related. This information was never disclosed to me, and had I known, I never would have participated. I feel blindsided and violated, even though everything appeared aboveboard at the time. I’m struggling to figure out how to handle this knowledge. Should I confront them? Inform others in the community? Or should I simply walk away and focus on setting clearer boundaries for myself? I’m not trying to judge anyone’s private life, but I also feel I was unknowingly put in a situation that crosses a major moral line. I want to act responsibly, but I don’t know what that looks like in this case. —Disturbed and Disillusioned Dear Disillusioned, For the sake of making this situation as clear as possible, let’s say the people you’re talking about are not just distant cousins who only learned they were related through an ancestry test. Let’s say they’re actually siblings. No, let’s make it even more alarming and say they’re mother and daughter. I absolutely understand why you’d be taken aback. Even so, I’m not sure you’re owed an apology or obligated to spread the word about what you learned. Your adult community sounds great in a lot of ways, but your participation in it seems to have at least one downside: You’re connecting with (and by “connecting,” I assume you mean having sex with) people who you don’t know very well. There’s nothing wrong with that on its face, but it’s sometimes going to place you in intimate situations that you would have avoided if you’d had a chance to really talk to and evaluate your compatibility with your partners. I assume your community requires everyone to disclose the things that the group has decided are important: STIs, relationship status, maybe age or sexual orientation, or whatever. If “involvement in an incestuous relationship” isn’t on the list, that tells me that either it’s too unusual to be a concern or that other people aren’t bothered by it in the way you are. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care, or shouldn’t take the time you need to get over the sense of betrayal. But it’s something for you to process and heal from rather than something you need to address with others. This has been a learning experience and a reminder to think of all the things that would make you pass on a partner (or partners) and ask about them. If you don’t want to sleep with, for example, a Virgo, or an ICE agent or a person currently dealing with a bedbug infestation (or, yes, someone whose partner is their relative), maybe you have some kind of community-affiliated bio where you can indicate this. And if not, you’ll just have to ask. This interview may not be the sexiest conversation, but it will be worth it to prevent feeling violated and blindsided again. Dear Prudence, I am retired and helped raise my daughter’s two girls who are now teenagers. I thought I would be able to handle my 3-year-old grandson when my son and daughter-in-law moved here. Well, I can’t. He is an impossibly loud, active, and fast little boy. He has no concept of an indoor voice and shouts in every conversation and at every adult that interacts with him. I can’t even go grocery shopping because he will yell at employees that he wants a sticker or a snack or screech how he is a dinosaur today or attempt to kill himself trying to get out of the cart. It is a constant fight to get him in and out of his car seat. At home, not even watching Sesame Street gets me a respite. I am exhausted. His energy levels never go down, and he refuses to go down for naps. More than one person has suggested that he get tested for ADHD. I am afraid to bring it up to my son and daughter-in-law. My DIL, in particular, is very thin skinned and prickly. I tried to tell them I needed to cut back on babysitting because I couldn’t handle my grandson, and she snapped and accused me of lying—I watched my granddaughters so it was only fair I watched my grandson. I was much younger then and my granddaughters were easy, quiet little girls. I love my grandson, but I can’t keep this up anymore. What do I do here? —72 in Savannah Dear 72, Here’s a script: “I’ve told you this before and you didn’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth when I say I cannot physically keep up with him. I love him, but I’m exhausted and not confident that I can keep him safe. I know you love him too, so let’s work together to find a different arrangement so he can have the attention and activity he deserves.” To soften the blow, you might add something like an offer to babysit after bedtime if the parents ever want to have a date night. Dear Prudence, My closest friend is in the process of getting her second divorce. Both men were very clearly not great partners for her. She wanted to be married so much, she spent much of her energy ignoring many obvious issues and convincing herself (and trying to convince everyone else) it was okay. During the recent breakup, she said to me, please don’t ever let me get involved in another unhealthy relationship like that. She said she wanted to take some time to figure out why she is so driven by male attention and really focus on rebuilding her emotional state. I promised her I would say something if I saw it. Well, of course, a few weeks after he moved out, an old friend from college reached out to her. He, too, is getting divorced, and she saw it as a sign from the universe. He love-bombed her for days, like 10-15 emails a day (while he still shares a bed with his soon to be ex-wife!). She, another friend, and I talked about it, and the other friend suggested she not to speak to him for six months. If after six months they were still as interested in speaking, she should go from there. She was grateful for the good advice. Later that day, she told the college guy to cool it, and she would reach out when she was ready. Oops, he had already sent her a present to her job. When it arrived three days later, she reached out to him to thank him, and they have been texting every single day since. Every day!! I told her this was unhealthy and she spun a multipronged narrative about how not talking to him would be inauthentic (“like saying I’ll never eat sugar again”). She has said they are pen pals. Her mental contortions remind me of the way she spoke of her husbands (and a terrible boyfriend in between). I told her very clearly she was continuing the pattern she swore she wanted to break. He lives in a different state (close), so they haven’t seen each other. I know she has a romantic fantasy about this guy even though she denies it. I oddly resent her for doing this. I love her and want the best for her, but it’s like banging my head against a wall. I dread when she finally makes plans to see him. His love bombing (and the content of some of the emails which she showed me) demonstrates to me that he is not a mentally healthy person. Prudie, how do I help my friend who says she wants to be helped, but behaves like she very much doesn’t? —Helping a Friend? Dear Helping, There’s nothing “odd” about feeling resentful when she asked you to step in and help her and then ignored you. You would be within your rights to say: “Normally, I would mind my own business, but you asked me to speak up if you were ever getting invoked in an unhealthy relationship again, and you’re doing it against my advice. So much of what I’m seeing from you right now is reminding me of the way you thought and behaved with your previous partners, and it’s difficult to witness. I know you disagree that the situation is unhealthy and of course it’s your choice. I’m going to work on managing my feelings about this, but I wanted to be honest. And I have to ask that you don’t confide in me about your relationship problems in the future.” And by the way, you really should work on managing your feelings. It’s a waste of your time to be upset about your friend’s choices. Think of it this way: If she’s someone who will never figure out how to make better decisions about men, will you still appreciate and enjoy your friendship with her? Be honest with yourself. If you won’t be satisfied until she turns over a new leaf with respect to love, it’s probably best to just take a step back before you get even more frustrated and become someone who’s just as hurtful to her as all these men have been. Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate My husband, our three young children, and I recently went on a vacation with my in-laws. We provided the accommodations. My mother-in-law tries to act more like our children’s mother than a grandmother. She loves her grandchildren, but she is very interfering, judgmental, and disrespectful to me and my husband. On this recent visit she brought a children’s book for our 5-year-old daughter that was missing the last two pages. The book was about a girl who visits her grandmother for the summer every year; my MIL wrote an ending with my daughter that said the girl’s parents died and she got to live with her grandmother forever. It was written like a happy ending! When we confronted her (away from the children) that it was inappropriate, she blamed our 5-year-old saying it was all her idea. I am so upset I can’t even look at this woman; and now she is suggesting we get together again next month to go camping. What should we do?
