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Q. I realized recently I’ve been taking my wife for granted. My wife is a wonderful mother to our children. She puts everyone before herself. I never realized how much she did being a full-time worker and director at who manages staff. My wife worked through the pandemic with no hazard pay because she was salary. My wife worked more than her 37.5 hours weekly, not getting paid during that time, to make sure residents didn’t die with COVID alone. Recently my wife had back surgery, and because of complications, she has basically lost her independence – she can’t drive, bend, walk alone, etc. She’s only 42, and I feel so bad for her. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m sorry for never appreciating her. My wife was always the one to leave work to bring kids places, or stay home with a sick child. I don’t know why it took her almost dying for me to pick up the slack and realize how much she did for my children and me. There was a time I thought she was lazy when she complained about kids not helping her clean. She was just overworked and probably overwhelmed. I have so much shame and many regrets. What do I deal with these feelings? I don’t know what I would have done had I lost her in the hospital. – Regret A. Tell her you love her and how much you appreciate everything she’s done for you. Share what’s in this letter, minus the part where you thought she was lazy (unless she has a great sense of humor right now, and you think she’ll laugh about it). Apologize and then assure her that you’ve got the kids, and that she taught you well. Tell her she can take this time to focus on healing and rest. Then ask what she needs. Visits from friends? Certain foods? Get her the things! Show up with small tokens of affection – like a playlist of songs you thought might make her happy during physical therapy. Try to show her a good time, when possible. Enjoy a mini movie marathon or even a board game, if she’s into that. If you’re interaction is all about logistics and apologies, you might forget to connect to each other for good company. Please know: you’re allowed to ask for help, too. That’s why caregivers need caregivers. Reach out to family, friends, and neighbors – people who can drop off a lasagna, pick up a kid, or simply notice when the mailbox overflows. The more you’re supported, the more you’ll be able to do your wife. I’m sorry you’re both going through so much. It is not too late for you to tell her how great she is – and to show your gratitude and love. – Meredith Readers? Is this about words or actions at this point? Advice on caregiving when you’re used to being cared for?
