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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, How old is too old for trick-or-treating? I wasn’t allowed to go when I was a child (my parents considered Halloween demonic), and the first time I EVER trick-or-treated, I was 14. The other times I got to go, I was 17 and 18 and went out with a group. I knew even then I was WAY too old, but I justified it by saying that I was making up for lost time. However, last year, a few of my college friends and I went out as a joke. We expected to be laughed off each doorstep and instead received candy without comment at nearly every house. Maybe it’s just common in college towns, or I look younger than I am, but I actually had so much fun I want to go again this year. I thought 17 was pushing it—is 22 over the limit? —Child at Heart Dear Child at Heart, I grew up with a friend who was not allowed to trick-or-treat with the rest of us, starting very early in middle school, if I remember correctly. Her parents adamantly believed that 12 (or whatever age it was) was the upper limit, and we all thought this was very sad. So I’m familiar with the idea that there are strong feelings about this. But it doesn’t seem fair that kids can trick-or-treat, and their parents can join them (in some neighborhoods, even going door to door collecting margaritas or shots and having their own fun), and the people in the middle are left out. So, I think you should go ahead, while keeping a few things in mind. Most importantly, remember that this really is a holiday for children, and their experience should be the priority. Don’t dress up as anything that’s terrifying or includes “sexy” in the description. It’s one thing for them to see a 4-foot-tall monster walking down the street, and another to see an adult-sized one. Obviously, butt cheeks won’t be welcomed either. Step to the side as kids run up the walkway in front of you. Let them be the ones to ring the doorbell (this is a very important job for little ones) and reach into the candy dish first. To avoid putting off the people whose doors you knock on, just make sure your costume is actually good and thoughtful. And be polite. What people who are against anyone out of grade school trick-or-treating (I can’t believe anyone has the bandwidth to care about the issue at this particular moment, but people always surprise me) don’t want to see is a surly young adult in a half-baked mask grunting, “Trick or treat” and grabbing handfuls of candy before skulking off into the night. Don’t be that person, and you’ll be fine. Dear Prudence, I am a mother of three children. “Jamie” (36) and “Patrick” (38) are children from my second marriage. “Elise” (45) is developmentally disabled. Her father and I divorced when she was 2 years old. When Patrick turned 19, he moved out of the house. He felt we had never paid attention to his needs, even though we cared for him. He grew distant and has not maintained contact with me, although he keeps in touch with Jamie. Recently, I’ve been dealing with health issues and have been worried about who will take care of Elise when I pass away. Even though Jamie and I have discussed Elise’s care for years, two months ago, when I began to seriously talk to her about guardianship and other details, she told me that she couldn’t be responsible for Elise. Jamie told me that she is getting married and plans to start a family. Caring for Elise would be impossible for her if she had a small child. Elise’s biological father is deceased, and he never provided financial support for Elise. My second husband also passed away a few years ago. I’m not in a very good financial position, so I can’t leave behind a trust for Elise. However, I am aware that Patrick is doing very well. He even paid for Jamie to go with him on vacation last year and sent her fancy presents for her birthday and Christmas. I want to appeal to Peter for assistance. Ideally, it would be a trust so that someone could care for Elise. I know he has the money, and she is his half-sister. I brought this idea up with Jamie. Since they talk regularly, she could bring it up with him. However, Jamie refuses to do this. She says it might damage her relationship with her brother. I am desperate. Do you think there’s an argument I could make to make this happen? —Worried Mother Dear Worried Mother, You’re in an incredibly rough situation, and I understand how important it is to make sure Elise is cared for. Sadly, I can tell you with almost 100 percent certainty that Patrick is going to say no to this proposal. He’s upset enough with you about his upbringing that he’s cut you out of his life, and it doesn’t sound like he’s maintained contact with Elise either. Jamie’s stance tells you a lot about his mindset. She’s worried that he’ll get mad at her for simply raising the issue! You can still ask him (if you can even contact him) because you don’t have much to lose, but be prepared for a no. This might be what you need in order to move on to Plan B. I fully understand that it’s not as simple as calling up some agency and signing Elise up to have all the care she needs when you’re no longer there. But there are options—possibly things like shared or supported housing, and/or the services of a local nonprofit, and likely other solutions I’m not even aware of—and your task will be to inform yourself about them. This is a research project. Join communities of parents of disabled adults and start asking questions. Ask for help from a friend or relative because this process is going to be very heavy and emotional. Remember that you’ve parented Elise her entire life, and this is just the next stage. You are a good mom, and you can figure this out—with or without your son’s support. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, “Caroline” and I have been friends for a long time (about six or seven), and we have all the makings of being best friends. We come to each other with big news and petty gossip, work out tough situations, and have great friend chemistry when it comes to just easily hanging out. However, I feel like we’re not aligned on actually getting together. We’re always in a cycle of saying we need to catch up and see each other, but whenever I try to initiate plans, one of three things happens: 1) She invites me to a group hang with other people. 2) She says she has an hour to go for a walk before another event. 3) She doesn’t really commit to plans until it’s too late and something else has come up. As a perfect example, we recently saw each other for about half an hour before she went to see a movie with her co-workers, and at the time, she suggested meeting up on the following Sunday to cook dinner together. I texted on Friday to confirm, but the next time I heard from her was late Sunday evening, explaining that she just had a busy day running errands. I know she cares about me and thinks of me as one of her closest friends and inner circle, and I don’t think this is an issue of her intentionally trying to keep me at arm’s length. I believe she just has trouble managing her schedule and committing to plans. For my part, I usually have a pretty secure attachment to my friends and don’t have a lot of friction when it comes to socializing, but I just can’t seem to hit my stride with Caroline even after all this time. (For additional context, we don’t have kids, and we both have pretty flexible work schedules.) Would you recommend bringing this up with her? It does hurt to feel like a low priority to someone I have a good connection with. Or should I just let it go and accept that she’s just like this and we’re going to see each other for a quick coffee every other month and always wonder why we don’t do it more often? —Looking for the Friend Zone Dear Looking for the Friend Zone, The latter, but let me suggest a slight edit to your thinking: “Just let it go and accept that she’s just like this and we’re going to see each other for a quick coffee every other month, understanding that we don’t do it more often because of the way she schedules her time.” This arrangement works and could make for a really enjoyable friendship that involves occasional quick hangouts. But only accept this if you can sincerely be OK with the fact that she doesn’t prioritize spending as much time with you as you would spend with her, if you had your way. Be honest with yourself. If being squeezed into a busy friend’s life along with a bunch of other people hurts your feelings (and it’s totally fair if it does), you’d be better off spending that one hour a month with someone who has as much to give as you do. Classic Prudie My husband has always been very healthy, but he is now well into his 50s and is starting to develop issues. The problem is that he refuses to treat his health seriously. He doesn’t even have a general doctor, has had none of the milestone checks he should have had at his age, and will see somebody only if I make it harder not to, which I am reluctant to do. A little over two years ago, he started complaining of dizziness and chest pains…
