Copyright Slate
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Over the past year, I’ve purposefully lost a lot of weight. I did it mostly for health reasons (I was borderline diabetic, and have now reversed it, which is great), but I would be lying if there wasn’t some aesthetic desired mixed up in all of this as well. I love how I look now—except for one big problem. I have so much loose skin on my arms and my boobs! My boobs are completely deflated. So I like how I look in clothes but hate how I look naked—and am especially insecure now as I meet men for hookups and flings. I don’t think I need to warn them, but I feel like they must notice. I can’t help but think my body is a huge turnoff once the clothes come off. Where do I go from here? —Saggy Everywhere Dear Saggy Everywhere, Patience, combined with the kind of lifestyle that helps reduce the risk of diabetes, might help you more than you think. Your skin might become less loose over time (putting on some muscle can help), and you may find you start to care less. If you’re still dissatisfied in another year, a dermatologist or plastic surgeon can offer you several options. But I suggest you give yourself some time to see what changes in the coming months. It’s important to know that you aren’t alone. I’m sure there’s something to be said for the power of knowing other people are having the same insecurities. But I bring this up to point out that because your experience isn’t super uncommon, the men you’re having flings with have probably encountered other naked women with similar skin. There absolutely are people in the world who will zero in on the physical details their partners are uncomfortable with, and some will even point those details out verbally, but those people are pretty rare. Anecdotally speaking, the men who are actually having a lot of hookups with multiple partners tend to be focused on the pleasure they’re experiencing and giving, or if anything, a bit concerned about their own characteristics they wish they could change. And, as strange as this may sound, straight men often appreciate or even fetishize certain appearance aspects that most women criticize about themselves. That said, I think it’s OK to lean on a band-aid style mitigation strategy, or at least have it as an option, and I’m an enthusiastic proponent of dressing for success. At all price points and in almost every imaginable aesthetic, there are bras that provide great support with sheer fabrics, bras that leave your nipples accessible, and bolero-style tops that cover only the shoulders and arms. Your best course of action will be to visit a few shops in person, as it’s infinitely more difficult to find the right fit for lingerie than it is for shirts or pants. If that’s not possible, lurking the ABraThatFits subreddit can help you get an idea of what brands and styles might work for you, and the community is often happy to help posters who are willing to share their measurements. In the event that you get lucky and find a plethora of options that appeal to you, though, be choosy, as—to reiterate—your body might continue to change pretty quickly. If you were looking for more of a long-term relationship, I’d be a bit more focused on encouraging you to look for people who feel supportive and accepting so you could be fully vulnerable with them. But hookup culture is accurately critiqued as being fairly superficial and usually too fast-paced for establishing that kind of trust. So, know that you can always leave the lights low, and—if a partner is having erectile difficulties—stay open to the likelihood that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, much less your body. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I’m a 33-year-old man. I realized/admitted to myself that I was bi after I first started dating my now-wife (also 33) seven years ago. We took a break early in our relationship for about a year because of unrelated life events, but because of the circumstances, I wasn’t really able to explore my newly realized sexuality. I only hooked up with one guy during that period and it wasn’t super great, honestly.
