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Q. Dear Meredith, I’m in my early 40s and I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. We don’t have children, but we live happily together in a small apartment. He is loving, caring, and constantly makes me laugh. I truly love him and he loves me. Here’s my dilemma: I grew up in an Asian culture where showing affection openly wasn’t encouraged. As a result, I’m very reserved and rarely express my love directly, even though I feel it deeply. For example, I’ll smile at his jokes when he can’t see me, or I’ll praise him in front of others but struggle to say the words to him. Every evening he tells me, “I love you,” and waits for me to respond. I do say it back, but often too quickly or awkwardly – in a way that leaves him unsatisfied. He sometimes admits he wonders if I truly love him, because I don’t say or show it enough. I want to change this. I want to feel less intimidated and vulnerable about showing affection and become more naturally loving toward him. How do I overcome my unexpressive habits so I can show my husband the love I genuinely feel? — Early 40s A. My take is that you shouldn’t have to change. Not much, at least. I say this as someone who is a bad hugger. Other things I’m bad at: Remembering birthdays. Getting people gifts on big holidays. Writing cards (I do not include cards with gifts). Taking people to the airport. Acknowledging my loved ones’ emails, some of which are important. Scrolling up when I receive a text message to make sure I’m getting all of the information. Cooking for people I care about. Telling people I find attractive that they look nice. Things I am good at: Making actual phone calls to check in. Listening to someone talk about the same problems over and over again. Showing up for a loved one’s loved ones (I will watch their kids in plays, or help their mom in the hospital). Consuming media to have a shared language. (“Breaking Bad” was good, but I wouldn’t have binged it without loving someone who cared about it). Picking up baked goods and bringing treats to people’s houses. Showing up with small gifts on random days, simply because I saw something the person would like. Buying toilet paper. I never want anyone to run out. Living with someone, I stay on top of that – out of love. That’s not a bad list, right? Think about how you enjoy showing love. You’re not loquacious when it comes to sharing feelings, but perhaps you’re good at asking asking questions and paying attention. The fact that you praise your husband around others – that’s love! Just do more of what you already like doing, and tell your husband, “When I do X, Y, and Z, it’s my way of saying I adore you.” Another idea: you wrote this letter, and it was a great summary how much you care about your husband. Some people are better at sharing their love in writing (hence the name of this column). You can communicate with him that way, too. – Meredith Readers? Should the letter writer try to change? If so, how? If not, is this about the husband learning to recognize different love languages? Send your own question about friendships, dates, no dates, love, divorce, breakups, and families through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
