Copyright thespinoff
I’m 21 and she’s 29. Is it wrong that I find it hot? Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz or fill out this form. Earlier this year I started seeing someone older than me – I’m 21 and she’s 29. We met online on a forum and got together when I went out to visit her (I initiated everything), and it’s been the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. She’s witty and clever and funny and hot and adores me and I’m drastically in love with her. She has a long-term partner, which kind of takes the load off for me. All the life plans she needs to make are being made with them, so I just kind of get to hang on, which is exactly what I want. Every relationship I’ve had with someone precisely my age has disintegrated, because people in their very early 20s are, huge surprise, bad at dating and bad at sex (including me, I’m sure!). Recently I’ve given up on seeing anyone else. I’m not better than anyone, nor do I think I am, I just don’t want to be dealing with huge drama in my dating/sex life. It’s refreshing to be dating someone who’s put together, who knows what she wants and can articulate it! Here’s the rub: I’m planning to apply to grad school at the same school (different department) my girlfriend attends. It’s the best school in the country for my particular niche, and I have a pretty good shot at getting in. I’d be applying even if I wasn’t seeing her. She’s gently encouraging me to, but didn’t bring up the idea first. I’m fully aware it’ll be a pretty awful situation if we break up and have to avoid each other around campus for years. But I can’t not apply, and my life will be astonishingly improved if I can see her on the weekly. Is this a horrible idea? Are my friends right to be kind of suspicious of our age gap? Is it bad I think it’s kind of hot? Is it OK to do something kind of stupid and inadvisable in my early 20s? I’m generally a regulated and very anxious person (I don’t party, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I stretch every day, I eat my vegetables, and meticulously track my finances), so I feel like I kind of deserve throwing caution to the wind just this once. Antinous (yes, she calls me that sometimes) Dear Antinous, I don’t know if this qualifies as throwing caution to the wind. Maybe throwing caution to an invigorating summer breeze? Either way, I love your enthusiasm. Of all the outrageous, ill-advised, borderline reckless ideas, moving to a city to attend a well-respected postgraduate program at a university your older girlfriend also happens to be enrolled at is hardly scandalously risky or hedonistic. It would be hard to describe your decision as anything but a mildly sensible idea, which, at the very worst, is only likely to result in a broken heart and a prestigious qualification – always a gamble worth taking, as you can get a broken heart anywhere, but a good education is hard to find. You should always apply to the school you most want to study at, whether or not your lovers, friends or enemies happen to go there. Even if you’d already been through an acrimonious break-up with this person and wanted to avoid them, I would still say it was worth it. The fact that your girlfriend, whom you’re drastically in love with, just happens to go there, is just strawberry icing on the sensible, macrobiotic, raisin-studded cake. Moving cities to be with someone is the kind of borderline irresponsible thing you can afford to do on a whim when you’re in your early 20s and aren’t tied down elsewhere. Eventually, it will stop being her city and start being your city. But it’s always good to have a few friendly faces who can introduce you to their friends, and show you where the best public toilets, pool halls and Indian restaurants are. The fact that your partner is excited about you coming, but isn’t putting any kind of pressure on you, bodes well. As for the age gap – who cares? I understand the general concern, but the discourse has become a little unhinged. I don’t think it’s wrong that your friends are a little suspicious. It just means they care about you, and are looking out for you for your well-being, but it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything to worry about. The problem with age gap relationships is when people make a habit of seeking out younger partners, because they’re easier to bamboozle, and they’ve learned people their own age won’t put up with them. It’s harder to know what constitutes heinous or loserish behaviour when you haven’t had a lot of dating experience. You’re much more susceptible to being conned into doing a 37-year-old DJ’s laundry when the power dynamics are heavily skewed in their favour and you don’t have a lot of relationship experience to back you up. It’s impossible to make any sort of hard-and-fast rule about age gaps, beyond the obvious legal parameters, because things often only seem creepy in retrospect, when you’re older, and are properly able to appreciate the considerable emotional gulf between 20 and 30. There’s also the problem of having to navigate different life stages together. But considering your girlfriend already has a partner, and isn’t pressuring you to settle down, perhaps this is less of an impediment than it otherwise might be. I do think there are some advantages to dating someone your own age, and being on a more equal romantic footing. But life doesn’t always work this way. Sometimes age is just a fluke of the calendar. As long as you’re feeling respected and cared for, and confident in your ability to advocate for yourself and your emotional needs, I can’t see anything inherently wrong with the situation. In the end, we’re all just dumb animals, crawling around in the mud, and there’s only so much of an intellectual and social edge that a decade gives you. I say take care, keep checking in with yourself and listen to your friends, if they have any specific concerns beyond “this seems a little kooky”. If it all goes horribly wrong, it’s still fairly easy to avoid someone on a busy university campus. The biggest risk you’re taking on is a broken heart, and at your age, that’s less of a risk and more of a statistically inevitable rite of passage.
