Copyright cleveland.com
Dear Eric: My 37-year-old daughter, along with her 10-year-old son, live with my wife and me. My daughter shares custody with my grandson’s father. My daughter is two years sober, which is great. She works most days in an outdoor profession but has many days off due to weather. When she’s not working, she’s sitting in her room on her phone and/or watching TV. She does not help my wife and me with any of the normal household chores. She always leaves a mess. She’s supposed to be paying rent each week but rarely does. If it wasn’t for my grandson, we’d probably evict her. We drive four and a half hours sometimes to drop her son off with his dad. She’s either working or says she gets too stressed out seeing her ex to want to do it. She let her car insurance, registration and inspection lapse over a year ago and on most days, she uses my vehicle for work or errands. We love our grandson and help him and her as much as we can but we’re at a loss as to what to do next. What do we do to make our home life better? – Put-Upon Parents Dear Parents: Consequences. There are simply too many “I can’ts” or “I wonts” here. It’s important to decide what the consequences are for your daughter and then enforce them. If she doesn’t pay rent, what happens? Decide with your wife and then hold yourselves and your daughter to it. In other areas, the state government certainly would. If she’s caught driving without a registration or insurance, there are legal consequences. So, don’t give her an out by allowing her to use your car. She must figure it out. Similarly, it’s not your responsibility to take your grandson to his father’s. But presumably the custody agreement requires that he get there. So, your daughter needs to figure it out or face the consequences. If your daughter is not willing or able to fully participate in raising her son, you as grandparents have rights. They vary by state, so you’ll want to consult with a family attorney about what the laws are where you live. But I’d encourage you to take this step, even if you don’t take further action. This is a time for some hard conversations. An environment in which your daughter is checked out and you overcompensate is also unhealthy for your grandson. So have the talks you need to have. If she’s in a sobriety program, this is also something she can work on with her sponsor or sobriety coach. Read more Asking Eric Asking Eric: I discovered my brother is a social media creep Asking Eric: I’m ready to end relationships with selfish friends Asking Eric: Is my relationship with a younger co-worker inappropriate? Asking Eric: My neighbor expects my son to do all their house chores Asking Eric: My ungrateful daughter refused a generous financial gift (Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
