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My mother told me recently that my 12-year-old daughter is having problems at school. I had no idea and was a bit hurt that my daughter confided in her grandmother first rather than me. When I spoke to her about it though, she apologised saying that it was her gran who’d spotted the problem, so it felt right to tell her about it. She also admitted that I hadn’t been around much lately and she’s not wrong. My mother has had to look after my daughter after school each day. My husband walked out on us earlier this year and, as he’s refusing to pay maintenance, I had to go back to full-time work just to make ends meet. Read more: Ask Jennifer: I've divorced my controlling husband but don't know how to get my life back on track Read more: Ask Jennifer: My ex says he still loves me but I'm in a relationship Thankfully, it’s not a serious problem but I feel so guilty for not being there for her. Am I a lousy mother? JENNIFER SAYS : Why would you think that? You’re juggling a difficult break-up, a full-time job and the responsibility of supporting your daughter financially – that’s no small feat. What’s more, that doesn’t sound like a lousy mother to me, it suggests someone who cares deeply about her daughter. And the fact that you’ve written to me about your concerns just reinforces that. So please, give yourself a break, you’re doing the best you can in difficult circumstances, and that’s more than enough. Continue to talk with your daughter whenever you can to build on the trust that’s clearly already there. HOW CAN I HELP MY FRIEND FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE? A good friend of mine lost his wife recently and he’s taken it very badly. They’d been together for 30 years and he loved her very much. The last few months of her life were difficult and although I did what I could to help, it never felt like enough. Since her funeral last month, he’s hardly left the house. Whenever I pop in to see him, I find uneaten food left by his sister and neighbours, so I know he’s not eating properly. He just sits around all day drinking and it’s also obvious that he’s not washing much either. I’ve encouraged him to get out more, but he won’t budge. Most of the time he acts like I am not even there. We used to hit the gym together three times a week and go for long walks but, if I suggest doing this again, he just tells me to go away. He’s even sworn at me a few times. He’s a good friend and I hate seeing him in pain like this but what more can I do? JENNIFER SAYS: He’s hurting and seems overwhelmed by the death if his wife, and that’s not surprising given how close they were. They were together a long time and it’s going to take some time for him to come to terms with the simple fact that she’s gone, let alone be able to move on. Grief is a marathon not a sprint, and it can be very isolating. Some people can adjust relatively quickly; others may need years. No two people are the same but, sadly, the pain will likely never really go away It just becomes more bearable allowing the bereaved person to move forward with their life again. Your friend is in a very dark place right now, one that he seems incapable of leaving and which might lead to more serious health issues if allowed to continue for too long. You’re doing a lot to help simply by showing up and keeping a connection, but what he might need right now is professional support. It’s often a sensitive subject but perhaps you or his sister could gently encourage him to talk to a therapist or grief counsellor. For now, it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. You’re showing that you care and you’re not giving up on him, even though he’s pushing you away. That’s the kind of friend we’d all like to have, even if he can’t see it yet.
