Copyright theroar
The AFL is planning to introduce a Wild Card round, whereby the teams finishing ninth and tenth at the end of the regular season play off for an opportunity to finish in the Top Eight. There are 18 teams in the AFL, so in effect 10 teams will contest the finals series. In a Clarke & Dawes type comedy routine, the AFL is simultaneously boasting about record attendance, record viewer audiences, record profits while also saying the game is so broken that only radical reforms will fix it. Like making the Top 8 into the Top 10. No AFL player shall live without a closed roof stadium has now been supplanted by a Hot Chocolate song, where everyone’s a winner, baby, that’s the truth (yes, the truth). The AFL brains trust (see: oxymoron) is seemingly obsessed with the NFL and spooked by the NRL. Having a Wild Card round makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but if they want to find uniquely illogical ways to f… I mean mess with Australian Rules, then here are other changes the AFL could consider. The Misère Round No team wants to ‘win’ the wooden spoon. In this new change to the AFL season, teams finishing 17th and 18th will play off in the Spoon Bowl for the right not to finish last. The added incentive to finish 15th and 16th should be the added bonus fans of lower ranked teams have been demanding for centuries. Spoon Bowl would be played in Week One, thus extending the AFL season by another week, which would form part of a new strategy to extend the season to 48 weeks, with 4 weeks annual leave, as per community norms. Invitation Card RoundsIn America, the NFL is broken up into two divisions: NFC and AFC. The AFL should follow suit and create two divisions who can then meet in a Super Bowl final. IFL – Interstate Football League – would comprise eight/nine teams: Adelaide Crows, Brisbane Lions, Freemantle Dockers, Gold Coast Suns, GWS Giants, Port Adelaide, Sydney Swans and West Coast Eagles. The Devils will join after the AFL bankrupts Tasmania. VFL – Victorian Football League – would comprise 10 teams: Carlton, Collingwood, Essendon, Geelong, Hawthorn, Melbourne, North Melbourne, Richmond, St Kilda and Western Bulldogs. Every home game in Victoria would be all but guaranteed to be packed out as only Melbourne and Geelong based will play each other. No small crowds when the Suns play the Demons at the G, so sir-e; it’ll be queues like US free food lines down to Richmond station every game. Meanwhile, every interstate game will likewise be a full house as these home teams host other cities.Of course, there’d be a massive Super Bowl where the AFL could get the Beatles (AI version) to perform, and Taylor Swift could parachute in from a stealth bomber. But wait, there’s more. After the Super Bowl, the AFL could stage Conference Bowl, where the best team from Victorian-based clubs (VFL) plays the best interstate-based players from the IFL.Atlantic City would be the ideal venue, to rival the NRL’s Las Vegas fantasy. The Jack of it RoundThose who attend AFL games would be familiar with the jack-of-it fan (almost always male), typically with a beer and chips at hand, who constantly questions umpires’ impartiality, their competence, eyesight, honesty, their intellectual capabilities and worse, their sexual proclivities. Sometimes these fans don’t yell their feelings out in a polite and genteel manner befitting family friendly venues. For Jack-of-it Round, fans who repeatedly yell out abuse to umpires will be able to swap places. Mid Zone umpires, Boundary umpires, End Zone umpires, Field umpires – in fact all officials will be substituted by identified jokers from the stands. Imagine the delight for fans as Fat Freddy, Decrepit Dave, or Foulmouthed Fiona are forced to officiate for four quarters. It’d be an AFL spectacle few would want to miss, and to add extra entertainment, the regular officials could be miked up in their seats as they yell abuse and expletives at their substitutes. The Joker RoundSome games just aren’t fair. Lions vs Eagles in Brisbane, or Kangaroos (AFLW) vs Anyone, for example. We all know the result; it’s not going to be much of a contest. Worse if there’s a lot of travel involved and the crowds will be small. With Joker Round, AFL teams can forfeit a game and have an extra week to prepare. It’s not like they were going to get the points, so play the Joker and enjoy an extra week of training and media speculation about the coach’s future. AFL broadcasters won’t miss out as they can showcase six blokes talking for four quarters about what they would do if the game was actually happening; highlighting player errors, coaching misjudgments, and laughing at each other’s witty asides from a match played 14 years ago. Next season rule changes: The Royal Flush and Go Fish.
