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If movie tropes and Reddit threads are any indication, relationships with in-laws can be fraught with tensions. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical psychologist and author of "You, Your Husband, and His Mother" (out on November 4), told Business Insider that, in her nearly 20 years of experience, a common theme has been married couples wanting to build stronger relationships with their extended families. More often, daughters-in-law desired to get along better with their mothers-in-law. Dalgleish said women tend to be in charge of communicating and organizing events on behalf of the family. "They're the ones sending the text to coordinate the upcoming holiday event." As a result, there can be more friction between the two women if they clash on family traditions or the best way to raise kids. From her years of experience, Dalgleish has identified six main types of mothers-in-law, but said it's common for people to fall into several buckets. "The idea is not so much that we put people in boxes," she said. "It's so we can understand what behavior is showing up." She said some families, even after cutting off contact, have reconciled after recognizing certain patterns and getting on the same page. Dalgleish shared the six general types of mothers-in-law and how to best communicate with each one — including the ones you already get along with. The martyr gives a lot — with strings attached Dalgleish described "martyr" mothers-in-law as internalizers, or people who focus a lot on their own perspectives and needs. She described a martyr as someone who gives a lot, but often"with guilt attached." Martyrs say things like "after all I've done for you." For example, they might volunteer to babysit, but then complain how exhausted they feel afterward. Couples in this dynamic might feel obligated to do whatever the martyr wants, worried about being seen as ungrateful. While it can be challenging, Dalgleish said it's important to stop reacting to guilt. "Other people are allowed to have their feelings, and you can still choose what your boundaries are," she said. "It's like creating this fence around you where you open the fence to let Mom in, but you're not going to let her guilt impact you." Related stories Business Insider tells the innovative stories you want to know Business Insider tells the innovative stories you want to know The victim may feel powerless Victim mothers-in-law are also internalizers, Dalgleish said. The difference is that they don't necessarily participate as much in helping the family as the martyr does. In fact, they generally don't feel like they have much control over their lives and view life as "happening" to them rather than something they have the power to change. Family members might feel pressure to always drop everything to help her or listen to her vents. "What's tricky about the victim is that you can easily be pulled into this pattern of wanting to rescue them," Dalgleish said. She often reminds her clients that they don't have to step in and make themselves their mother-in-law's savior or therapist. "You can validate someone's experience but not get pulled in to be the problem solver or the fixer," she said. The blamer might talk behind your back Unlike victims (internalizers), blamers (externalizers) create conflict by criticizing or trying to control others, Dalgleish said. "This is someone who's going to focus outside themselves and find fault in other people," she said. Often, she added, this dynamic has always been in the family — and perhaps just never addressed until now. For example, if the mother-in-law's son is setting a boundary with her for the first time, she might believe her daughter-in-law convinced him to do it. As a result, blamers can make the daughter-in-law the scapegoat of the family. It's why Dalgleish said the goal shouldn't be to win over the blamer. "It's not your job to change that pattern," she said. "It's your job to focus inward on your chosen family and then to set those boundaries together." Controllers want to stick to their ways A controller is another type of externalizing mother-in-law, albeit one who believes her way is the best. She might criticize the daughter-in-law for not adhering to certain cultural, religious, or familial norms. It can be a tough dynamic to navigate — the daughter-in-law might be tempted to present her argument or convince her mother-in-law that her way is good, too. "I remind people: you don't need to argue with this person," Dalgleish said. "You can instead trust the decisions that you're making, rather than trying to convince other people to believe that your choice is OK." The distancer might fear overstepping Dalgleish said that balancers are mothers-in-law who can take in the perspectives of others. Sometimes, it might mean they keep their distance, not wanting to overstep. A distancer might live down the street, but only visit a few times a year. Distancing mothers-in-law could be distancing themselves to avoid conflict or just have different values when it comes to in-person family time. In some cases, distancers may simply be giving their child's new family space. For some families, that might work great. Others might yearn to bring the distancer closer by inviting them over more. Dalgleish said couples should be realistic about what's possible to ask for, and what to accept. "It's not about their lovability or their worth," she said. In addition to being direct with the mother-in-law about wanting more involvement, the couple who want more support should "focus on building their village in other ways," such as reaching out to other family members, friends, and neighbors. The supporter might be hard to read Supporters are also balancers, defined by their ability to patiently listen and offer support. Many people see supporters as "hitting the jackpot" in terms of great mothers-in-law, Dalgleish said. The only real downside of supporters is that they might be too hands-off or removed out of fear of intruding too much, thus never sharing their opinions. This can make a daughter-in-law worry about what's left unspoken. "I still emphasize to people, it's just as important to work on really clear and healthy communication," Dalgleish said. For example, everyone has big expectations of events like a wedding or the birth of a child — even if they don't voice them. Opening up a conversation, even when your mother-in-law seems to agree with everything, doesn't just prevent issues down the line; it makes an already lovely relationship even stronger.
