Copyright Forbes
If you’ve been anywhere near the self-help section of your local bookstore or followed a social media therapist in the past few years, then you’ve probably heard the word boundaries before. It’s a contender for the emotional and relationship wellness buzzword of the decade, and, thankfully, it’s for good reason. Boundaries are the invisible fences that keep us and our relationships safe. However, contrary to what the word would lead you to believe semantically, they’re not a means for pushing others away. Instead of keeping your partner out, they help you keep your bond with them healthy. When used intelligently, boundaries are what prevent the kinds of confrontations that lead to needless arguments. Specifically, the ones about tone, space or trust that go in circles, until both of you are frustrated and lost. But with clearly set, self-focused boundaries, you and your partner can avoid falling into some of the most common argument traps in modern relationships. Below are three types of boundaries that, when set intentionally, can stop fights before they even start. MORE FOR YOU 1. Boundaries For Conflict It’s natural to assume that most couples’ problems are the result of how much they argue with one another. But, increasingly, psychological research shows that the frequency of these arguments don’t matter nearly as much as their quality — or, in other words, how “good” a couple is at arguing. This is usually a matter of conflict resolution skills, which cannot be practiced without boundaries being in place first. In this context, boundaries become a means for couples to create their own code of conduct for how they handle problems together. These will serve as your emotional ground rules: they define what’s acceptable and what isn’t when a confrontation inevitably happens. The key aspect that distinguishes a boundary that works from one that doesn’t, however, is whether or not it’s self-directed. For instance, you cannot say that “You can’t yell at me” is your boundary, because it’s not a boundary. This statement regulates your partner’s behavior instead of your own, which actually makes it a rule at best and an ultimatum at worst. Conversely, what a boundary sounds like is, for example: “If you raise your voice at me, I’m not talking to you until you’re calm enough to speak respectfully.” The difference between the two lies in agency: it’s about what you will do to protect your emotional safety, rather than policing your partner’s behavior. And this distinction is critical when it comes to conflict. According to over four decades of research conducted by relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the way that couples argue can predict whether their relationship will thrive or fail. Each of the most destructive behaviors, they found, were a matter of how couples spoke to each other. These patterns were namely criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Astonishingly, by measuring the presence of these four behaviors, John Gottman was able to predict married couples’ eventual divorces with 94% accuracy. From this perspective, boundaries for conflict are crucial for prioritizing respect in moments that can otherwise easily become chaotic. When both you and your partner know the code of conduct, conflict can finally become a means for solving problems, instead of creating new ones. 2. Boundaries For Alone Time Love can make you want to be inseparable from your partner, or at least at first. But, in time, couples eventually have to learn that sustaining a relationship long-term requires a healthy mix of togetherness and independence. This is what makes boundaries around alone time essential, as they’re the primary means for keeping that balance intact. They’re what protect both partners’ freedom to pursue solo hobbies, friendships and quiet moments of rest. More importantly, boundaries are also what ensure partners don’t have to feel guilty about needing alone time in the first place. Setting boundaries of this nature requires you to be very explicit about what you need. Maybe the only way for you to decompress best is by spending Saturday mornings alone with a book. Or, conversely, maybe you need to have at least one boys’ or girls’ night a month. Whatever the case may be, all you need to do is outline how much personal space keeps you feeling grounded — and, more importantly, what you’ll do if that need isn’t respected. Again, this shouldn’t be an ultimatum; it should be an indication of the lengths you’ll be going to maintain your well-being. In the case of personal time in particular, there’s ample research that defends its importance. A 2020 study in Personal Relationships examined the long-held belief that the perfect balance between closeness and autonomy determines how satisfied we feel in our romantic relationships. Surprisingly, the results indicated that it wasn’t actually dependent on couples achieving the perfect mathematical balance, but rather how satisfied both partners were with the amount of closeness and space they have. In other words, there’s no universal ideal ratio of togetherness to independence; what you need will differ from what your friends, family and even your partner needs. What matters most, in this sense, is that both of your needs are met, and that you both feel the freedom to exist as individuals within the relationship. This is why boundaries around alone time are so vital: they help couples negotiate that balance intentionally. Without them, there’s nothing reminding you that beyond being someone’s partner, you’re still a person — one with personal ambitions, curiosities and inner worlds that need just as much nurturing as your relationship. 3. Boundaries For Outside Relationships Every couple will at some point have to face the delicate question: How close is too close when it comes to people outside the relationship? Boundaries for outside relationships define precisely where that comfort line sits. These are the expectations you and your partner set surrounding your friendships, professional connections, exes — or anyone, really, who has emotional real estate in your life beyond your partner. Perhaps your partner isn’t thrilled about how often you text an old friend. Or maybe you feel uneasy about the amount of time they spend with one coworker of theirs who’s always a bit too friendly. Conversations about these reluctances can be awkward and uncomfortable, but they’re as necessary as they are off-putting. The best way to handle them is by setting boundaries that simultaneously clarify your intentions and your limits. For instance, if your partner isn’t a fan of your best friend, a good boundary would sound like: “I’m going to keep seeing my best friend every weekend. If that’s an issue for you, I’m open to discussing how to make you more comfortable with it, but just know that I’m not at all open to cutting them off.” With a boundary like this, you’re modelling both transparency and respect. However, you’re not letting yourself fall into a trap of people-pleasing, either, by refusing to relinquish what’s important to you in your life. The importance of protecting your meaningful friendships cannot be overstated. A 2017 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that couples who had strong, supportive friendships outside their romantic relationship weathered conflict with their partner far better than those who didn’t. Specifically, the researchers found that when participants in the study fought or hit a rough patch with their partner, having a good friend in their life made it easier for them to cope and recover afterward. Good friends are called “your rock” for a reason: a tether to them keeps you grounded. They remind you of who you are outside your relationship. They offer their perspective when you can’t see straight from yours. And, for non-singles, they help you decompress from the inevitable stress that comes with being in a relationship. This is why, in the healthiest relationships, both partners respect boundaries surrounding friendships — that is, if said friend respects the relationship, too. They are an integral part of the ecosystem that sustains both your well-being and your relationship’s longevity. In this sense, when you protect your friendships, you’re also protecting the emotional resources that make you a better, more balanced partner.
