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"I'm head-to-toe uncomfortable, but I feel it's important I bring up..." Acknowledging awkwardness with levity at the start of a conversation emphasizes to the other person that there's an issue you need to solve together, and it's "more important than our collective comfort," Pryor says. "I'm seeking clarity." A lot of conflict can arise from miscommunication. Asking for clarity when something feels ambiguous can help you both feel less defensive, and set you on a calmer path to align your goals, Pryor says. "I'm feeling anxious." If you know there's a difficult conversation heading your way, you can ask to practice with someone you trust, says Phoebe Gavin, a Washington D.C.-based career and leadership coach. Then, ask if they're open to providing feedback. "Anxiety is a [totally] normal emotion and a sign of investment," she explains. "Saying it out loud can humanize you and get you helpful support." "What does success look like?" Abrahams says that he asks this question so he can better understand the other person's goals. That way, he can offer guidance that aligns with their objectives. "In the past, how have you handled situations like this?" Once Abrahams has a firm understanding of the problem, he tries to encourage the other person to relate it back to their own experience. "[These questions] get people away from personality challenges … and focuses on the collaboration around a common goal," he says. "I'd love to talk about this later. Is that OK?" Use this phrase if the other person is emotional, or if you're too busy in the moment to devote your full attention, says Alison Wood Brooks, an associate professor at Harvard University who studies negotiation and conversational skills. Once you've had some time to prepare, find a neutral, private place to discuss further. "It's extremely difficult to make conversational progress when tempers are flaring," Wood Brooks says. It never hurts to take a few minutes or even a few days to cool down and circle back. "I want to make sure I understand." The most important thing to remember in the face of conflict is to initially, and then repeatedly, validate the other person's feelings and perspectives, multiple experts say. "It sounds like what's most important to you in this situation is..." Gavin likes to paraphrase the most central point in the other person's argument, so she can demonstrate that she's listening, she says. "It makes sense that you feel that way." Use this phrase if the person you're speaking with seems especially vulnerable or upset. Lead with empathy, Wood Brooks says. "How dare you!" If the tone of the conversation is generally light-hearted, you can also respond with playfulness, Wood Brooks adds. "I like to say this when someone raises a spicy or controversial point — but you have to deliver it dripping with obvious, over-the-top sarcasm," she says. "If done well, it will always get a laugh, which immediately helps cut [tension]. It's a jovial way of saying, 'I love what you've said. It took courage. Let's address this together.'" '"From my perspective..." Encouraging your conversation partner to see your perspective can lower the temperature of the conversation — but you should keep the tone curious and open to collaboration, says Lorraine K. Lee, author of "Unforgettable Presence: Get Seen, Gain Influence, and Catapult Your Career." Regardless of the conflict, she adds, you should still be respectful and honest with the other person about how you're feeling.
