Copyright ynetnews
How do you tell a client they don’t look good? How do you explain to a petite woman who fantasizes about a man over six feet tall that it's just not going to happen? How do you tell a wealthy, arrogant man that, money aside, no woman wants to date him? A conversation with three matchmakers reveals the challenge of finding love for singles who come in with maximum demands and least self-awareness. Eight years ago, I excitedly began my journey as a matchmaker for secular and traditional Israelis. I left behind academic degrees and impressive business titles to do what I love most and am best at: bringing hearts together. I fulfilled a childhood dream and became a full-time matchmaker. But I quickly realized this world wasn’t the rose garden as I imagined it was tough and demanding. I felt as though I’d entered a lion’s den: a market full of singles desperate for love but ruthlessly critical of each other. Many were convinced they were God’s gift to the world, rejecting potential matches without batting an eye and seeking a partner so idealized that not even the most advanced AI could create them. I soon realized that the biggest issue facing single men and women is a lack of self-awareness. And for us matchmakers, the hardest part isn’t what we hear from them but rather what we should tell them. He wants models, she wants tall men “A nerdy guy once approaced me for matchmaking he wasn’t doing anything with his life, but he showed me photos of women on yachts, models like Ruslana Rodina, and said those were the kind of women he wanted to date,” says Gali Shani Calderon, 39, a matchmaker and relationship coach from Ramat Gan. “In his case, it was delusional. I truly believe real attraction comes from within and not necessarily from looks, but this was an unrealistic gap, because he had absolutely nothing to offer the women he expected to date. "He was looking at bronzed bikini-clad women on Greek islands, while he looked like he’d stepped out of Beauty and the Geek. There was no connection between his world and the world of the women he desired. He’d like their photos, send them messages, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t respond." How did you tell him it just wasn’t going to happen? “I explained gently that those women just weren’t his ‘business model.’ Everyone has their own model: knowing who you are, what your values and qualities are. When it comes to dating, there shouldn’t be massive gaps in appearance or lifestyle. When framed like that, he listened and accepted it. Once his expectations became more realistic, we could move forward. “I recently had a client fixated on women with pale skin and light-colored eyes, and he refused to consider anyone else. He’s 30 and has never been in a relationship, yet he immediately rejects any woman whose skin tone is slightly darker. He’s sabotaging himself. "I tried introducing him to women outside his type who were still very attractive, but he wasn’t open to change. I had to tell him honestly that if he kept this up, we wouldn't be able to help him find a match, and that people are much more than skin tone. "At the end of the day, my job is to tell clients what is and isn’t right for them. I would say, ‘You came to me because you want to succeed at finding a relationship, and what you did until now on your own didn’t work. Let’s try something different. Worst case? We succeed'." It's not easy to have them change rooted behaviors or mindset. “True, but it happens over time. I work with clients using a unique method and guide them throughout the matchmaking process until a serious relationship develops, because it’s hard these days to turn a date into a relationship. "Before matchmaking begins, my clients meet with a therapist and a numerologist and participate in a preparation session. I’ve also created a series of dating events, two meetings a week with the same group of singles, to foster social dynamics that could build real connections and break down shallowness and snap judgments. “They meet people they would have instantly dismissed on dating apps based solely on pictures. But in a real-life social setting, connections form and deepen on the second meeting. That’s how you move past checklists and stigma. "For example, we had an event with three men who, by Israeli women’s standards, wouldn’t be considered tall. But that didn’t matter, because the connection wasn’t based on physical attraction it was deeper, and that’s where the magic happens.” Many women won’t date short men. “Absolutely. Height is an issue. The first question women ask is, ‘What kind of men do you have to offer me?’ or ‘Do you have tall guys?’ Or they’ll declare, ‘I like tall men.’ "The average Israeli man is between 5'7 and 5'9. I always respond: ‘Book a flight to Germany, Sweden or England. You’re welcome to meet someone there, let’s see if he’ll give you the same sense of security an Israeli man can.’ They laugh in response, but it’s the truth. I’ve learned how to handle unrealistic demands from the start. “If a tall woman asks for a tall man, I try to meet that demand. But when an average or even short woman refuses to date anyone under 5'9, it’s absurd. "I had a client who insisted on tall men, and I insisted she keep an open mind. Today, she’s in a relationship with a man who is 5'5, shorter than her, and she’s delighted. When she first met him, I asked her to report to me three positive things she noticed about him. "We repeated the exercise for the second date, and suddenly, something clicked she saw only the good, instead of walking around bitter that all other men were taller. Everyone needs to come with an open mind and let go of rigidity. In the end, those who don’t go through a process lose their money, and those who do, gain so much more.” Lack of self-awareness Chen Halfon, 39, from Yavne, runs a matchmaking agency for secular Israelis and doesn’t mince words when it comes to her clients: “It’s not always pleasant to point out internal or external changes a client needs to make, but it’s also not pleasant to sign someone up and just keeping them in the database without any offers, because everyone refuses to meet them. "The unpleasant truth is necessary because without change, the matchmaking process simply won’t work,” she says candidly. “When I meet my clients for the first time, my goal is to assess them visually and emotionally. If they look attractive and show emotional readiness for a relationship, we can begin the matchmaking process. If one of those elements is missing, I offer them a preparatory path toward dating. "Nothing about physical appearance is forced. I’ll share my opinion gently, and if the client is open to it, we move forward together. Sometimes, a person refuses the change, and I explain the challenges they’ll face if they fail to do it. “One man in his 30s turned to me, he is 5'3 tall, wears glasses, has crooked and yellow teeth, a unibrow, and hair like David Ben-Gurion: bald on top with hair on the sides. I told him, ‘Honestly, I’d shave your head and shape your eyebrows to make you look more masculine,’ but he wouldn’t hear it. I pushed the point, but to him it sounded odd or even insulting. We didn’t move forward. "On the other hand, a 40-year-old man really appreciated my honesty. He’d been through countless matchmaking services that promised him the world and delivered nothing. In our first meeting, I told him, ‘You’re 40 but look 50, and that’s a shame.’ He valued my words so much that he later texted me to thank me for my candor.” Sometimes small changes make huge impact. “Exactly. I never tell anyone to get plastic surgery, but if you’re overweight or balding and you’re looking for a partner, then groom yourself and show up ready. "I also have women who aren’t well-kept - bad teeth, thick hair on their arms and legs. I gently suggest improving their appearance. Some are shocked, but it’s necessary. People need self-awareness, and unfortunately, self-delusion is rampant. “Once I accompanied a client to a hairdresser to get her hair dyed and cut, and buy flattering new glasses. It made her so happy. People need to realize they’re their own business card. It may sound superficial or unpleasant, but you’re judged first on appearance no one knows that you’re sweet, smart or rich. That’s the world we live in, and singles need to adapt. "Weight is also a very sensitive issue, but it must be addressed. I bring it up gently, saying that weight can make someone look older. I add, ‘You don’t need to be skinny. If you’re happy with yourself, great. But if your weight bothers you, I’ll help.’ "Still, internal work is also necessary. One woman came to me with intimacy issues, so I referred her to a sex therapist. That therapist later told me she had a male client who was a perfect match they got married last month! When people are open to change and growth, things happen on their own." Impressive. Have you ever offended a client? “There was a woman who signed up with me, and after some time she admitted it took her a while to recover from what I had told her. She came in weighing about 220 pounds and was in denial about being overweight. I asked her, ‘So tell me, how do you feel about your weight?’ and she looked at me in shock. She had no awareness whatsoever about her weight issue, but eventually, she understood and began a weight-loss process. "The guy with the Ben-Gurion hair also left offended. He couldn’t handle the fact that I focused on appearance. He asked, ‘So what, a woman won’t want me for who I am?’ I wish the world worked that way, but it doesn’t. “I’d say 95% appreciate what I say and thank me, and about 5% get hurt. I speak to everyone honestly and respectfully, and I’m not fazed by what I need to say, because it just makes sense to me. It’s like going to a dietitian, paying money, and then getting offended by the meal plan. Why did you come in the first place? I could easily double my client list and just take the money, but my goal is for the process to succeed. That’s my responsibility.” Is there a limit to what you can say to clients to help them succeed? Where do you draw the line? “Of course. You have to say things that are relevant to you, as a matchmaker, to the client, to the business, and to the process of finding a relationship. But how far do you go? One woman once told me she hates men with back hair. I said, ‘Sweetheart, that’s where I draw the line'." It turns out the ultra-Orthodox sector isn’t any easier. Miri Wexler from Bnei Brak, a veteran matchmaker in the Haredi community and head matchmaker on the TV series Vort, also works as a relationship and marriage advisor. She says late singleness is becoming more common even among the ultra-Orthodox. “It’s an ‘instant' generation, and even Haredim now have a sense of false abundance. WhatsApp groups create the illusion that there’s endless choice. Some groups even share photos, which adds to the superficiality and leads people to dismiss others before giving them a chance. “Parents also feel powerless. In the past they used to have much more influence over the process. They’d check religious compatibility, mindset, intelligence, values, and family background with the matchmaker before allowing the couple to meet. In other words, thorough research was done in advance, like a little family-run investigation agency. Today, singles are reaching marriageable age later, and they don’t want to be told who to choose.” Are they more rigid and less open to feedback? “Yes. By age 28 and up, they no longer want family involvement, not even from their own parents. They want to feel that the decision is theirs. That’s when I become a kind of ‘matchmaking psychologist’, trying to assess whether they genuinely want to get married. "If they do, I ask about their expectations: what they’re ready to compromise, and what they’re not. You can’t have it all that only happens in fairy tales. If I see their demands are unreasonable, I go into deep counseling with them and make it clear that they can't have all their request, they have to give up something." Like what? Give me an example. “An academic degree. Women often insist on it. It’s legitimate as most of them are educated themselves, and I respect that. But I tell them, ‘Look, I understand. Rationally, you want someone on your level in education and income. But I know men who could be a great match for you they’re intelligent but didn’t pursue degrees for various reasons. "Life experience, intellect, emotional intelligence - you don’t get those from a diploma. You’re not going to sit down at the dinner table with someone’s academic transcripts. Give it a chance you might be pleasantly surprised. “There’s only one thing you can’t compromise on, and that's values. A person’s values are what matter most, and are the key to a successful relationship and shared life.” How do people react to being told they won’t necessarily get the ‘perfect partner’? “Some can’t handle it and never come back, and I don’t judge them for it. Others get defensive at first, then come around and realize they need to be more flexible. That opens the door to real work. “There are many cases where age is a stumbling block. Men refuse to date women who are older than them, sometimes even those their own age, and insist on much younger partners. I’m not talking about ten-year gaps, just two or four years. If you find a woman attractive who would be a good mother, why won’t you date her just because she’s three years older? “It really upsets me. The issue isn’t fertility they feel flattered by dating a younger woman. Similarly, some women refuse to date younger men, even though they might only be two years younger and far more emotionally mature than someone ten years older. "I get angry when people reject over age, because I care. I just want to shake them and tell them to let go of these limiting beliefs.” What do you say in such cases? “When I engage in matchmaking or counseling, I try to speak kindly. I avoid lecturing or criticizing, and I try not to offend them. I do it in a way that doesn’t hurt, sometimes through metaphors, stories, or similar examples. "Eventually, they understand they’re here because they need help. I speak to them as equals, not like I’m better than them. I believe that being too blunt can miss the mark. Not all methods are fair. I tell them: ‘I’m speaking to you as if you were my own child.’ I even encourage them to stop me if something I say feels uncomfortable." It sounds very tough and sometimes frustrating. Have you ever lost your patience? “There were moments when I got emotional. In these cases, I’d say out of genuine concern, ‘Hey! I’m already married. Everything I’m saying is for your own good. You’re sabotaging yourselves!’ "I remember a match I thought was perfect. I truly felt divine assistance in putting them together, but the guy refused to meet the woman because she was two years older. He was 30, she was 32. I was so upset, I said, ‘How can you do this? You’re about to miss the woman of your dreams!’ “I snapped, anger and pain burst all at once. ‘Are you serious? You’re going to throw away the opportunity of a lifetime?’ He was shocked. He wasn’t used to seeing me like that usually, I’m diplomatic, self-restrained. He said he’d think about it. Two days later, he called back and agreed to meet her, just so as not to disappoint me. "From the very first date, he knew she was the one. Today, they’re married with children, thank God. He was honest enough to admit it: ‘If you hadn’t insisted, I would’ve missed the chance of my life.’ "So, as you see, that’s the calling of this profession. Even if you push someone, it’s for the best reason on earth.”
