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As told to Ann Degray.Life changed in a strange way for my dad when I ordered DNA kits for the family, just for fun. My dad had just turned 70, and I thought it would be a good time to investigate our family history, because we didn't know that much about Dad's side of the family. He's always been proud of his background as he was brought up on a farm, and he had shared stories from his mum about his biological father, Andrew*, who died in his early 30s.My dad, Graham*, grew up believing Andrew died in a car accident when he was a few months old. His mum remarried, and he was raised by his stepfather, Ron*. Dad always said Ron was a good man, though a bit strict. Watch the MID podcast by Mamamia. In this episode, Holly Wainwright discusses family boundaries with psychologist Jacqui Manning. Post continues below.Video via Mamamia.They didn't have a very deep father-son bond, but there was always respect. So, when I suggested we all do the DNA tests, he was very keen. I even joked about family secrets we might uncover. My husband had recently done one and found some interesting health insights, so I figured why not? When the results came in, mine were pretty straightforward. But Dad's was confusing.His DNA matched with a cousin we didn't recognise. At first, we thought it was just some distant relative on his mum's side. But when I started digging and comparing family trees, I realised something strange: he had close genetic matches to people with Ron's surname. Not his supposed biological dad's.Still, I assumed it was some kind of error. It wasn't until I logged into the ancestry site and looked closer that I saw a direct match: a confirmed first cousin from Ron's side. And then another. These were not distant connections. These were close, undeniable links. I called Dad, and said we need to talk about the DNA results. I told him it looked like Ron might not have been his stepdad after all. He might have been his actual father. He was quiet for a few seconds and then I explained everything I'd found, and he asked me to email it all to him. A few days later, he drove to my house and sat with me at the kitchen table. He looked completely stunned. He'd shown the results to Mum, and they'd spent the evening trying to navigate their way around it all. That's when he told me something he'd never shared before: his mother had been very private about the time around his birth. She told him his biological dad died in a car accident before he was even three months old. He'd always found it strange that there were very few photos and no keepsakes. And Ron, his "stepdad," had moved in with them pretty quickly after that. They married soon after. The real shock came when we found out through some of Dad's newly discovered relatives that Ron had been married to someone else at the time Dad was conceived. He had a wife and children. In other words, my grandmother had been having an affair with Ron; something that was incredibly scandalous back then. So, Ron had been cheating on his wife with my grandmother, who'd been dating Andrew who then died in the accident. My grandmother, for reasons we'll never know, chose to lie, maybe to protect herself or him or even Ron's family. They decided it would be "simpler" to tell everyone that Ron was a stepdad and that Dad's real father had died. It's impossible to know if Ron's first wife ever found out. She passed away years ago, as did Ron. Listen to Mamamia's brand-new therapy podcast, This Is Why We Fight. Post continues below.Dad says he didn't have the warmest relationship with Ron, even though he was kind and supportive. But there was always a bit of distance, like something was being held back. My dad is still processing it all. He's also been in touch with a cousin who he always thought was a "step cousin" but now realise is a blood relative. He said it feels like a rug has been pulled out from under his entire life. But he's not angry. More sad than anything. He wishes they'd told him the truth. That he'd had the chance to know that Ron was his biological father while he was still alive. As for me, I've really learned a lot from all of this. Family is messy and people make complicated choices, sometimes for reasons that seem right at the time. And secrets have a way of coming out, especially in the age of DNA kits. My dad has always said, "The truth has a funny way of showing up when you least expect it." He just didn't know how true that would turn out to be.*Names have been changed to protect identities. Feature image: Getty. (Stock image used for illustrative purposes).
