By Irishexaminer.com,Sharon Ní Chonchúir

Copyright irishexaminer

Rachel Gotto, a self-leadership coach and clinical hypnotherapist based in Galway, empathises with these feelings. She too used to find small talk difficult.

“There was a time when I didn’t socialise due to illness and other life events,” she says. “Afterwards, I had to relearn the skills involved in social interactions that involved simply passing the time of day with other people.”

But relearning these skills taught her that there’s a value in what some might dismiss as meaningless chatter. She realised that “conversations about the weather or the new coffee shop in town aren’t a waste of time. Instead, they give us a framework for being together by allowing us to be in a group where everyone can contribute and helping us form tentative connections with other people.”

Clinical psychologist and past president of the Psychological Society of Ireland Odhrán Mc Carthy believes that one of the most effective ways of overcoming anxiety about small talk is to reframe the way we view it, as Gotto did.

“In some ways, these are light conversations about mundane things, but they serve a psychological function,” he says. “They allow people to connect, and studies consistently show that it’s vital for people to feel connected to others. People who feel a sense of belonging to a community actually live longer than those who don’t.”

Small talk leads to big talk

Matt Abrahams is a lecturer of strategic communication at Stanford University and the author of Think Faster, Talk Faster, a book of science-based strategies for improving communication. He believes that “small talk leads to big talk” and describes it as “an avenue to more consequential or disclosive conversation, but we have to go through small talk to get there”.

One of the reasons he believes many of us are nervous about small talk is that it’s unstructured. In most business encounters, we have agendas to follow or presentations to listen to and respond to. But we’re on our own when it comes to small talk.

“And we’ve never been taught how to do it,” says Abrahams. “We have to think up conversational topics in the moment.”

We can use tactics to help us overcome our nerves the next time we have to chat with a stranger. Mc Carthy recommends focusing on everyday topics to start with.

“Things like the weather, problems with public transport or something nice you did on holidays are great because everyone can relate to them,” he says. “Everyone will have something they can say in response.”

People also don’t feel intimidated by the thought of sharing such inconsequential information.

“That’s why it’s good that small talk is small,” says Mc Carthy.

“Disclosure invites disclosure, and if we tell someone something significant about ourselves, it puts pressure on them to tell us something equally significant. Rather than sharing too much too quickly, small talk allows us to take incremental steps towards connection.”

Another strategy to mitigate nerves is to reflect on how small talk has benefited us in the past.

“If we think about our social network and the people we interact with regularly, we’re sure to have got to know at least one or two of those people through small talk,” says Abrahams. “Small talk can lead to big things, including important relationships and friendships.”

Stay curious and engaged

Mc Carthy advises listening carefully and asking questions.

“Lots of us get stuck inside our own heads trying to think of things to say next, which means our attention is divided and we miss what people are actually saying. If we listen and pay attention, other people will throw conversational balls in our direction. By staying curious and asking questions, we’ll soon be engaged in a back-and-forth conversation.”

Abrahams suggests being interested, rather than trying to be interesting.

“My mother-in-law had a black belt in small talk and her secret was simply saying: ‘Tell me more,’” he says. “Getting someone else talking and then asking for more information is such a simple tactic.”

Our body language can help with this. Mc Carthy explains that leaning forward, making eye contact, nodding and smiling all indicate that we find others interesting, which “makes them feel good about themselves and more likely to feel a positive connection with us”.

Before we know it, we might find that we’re enjoying ourselves.

“It’s like a game of tennis,” says Mc Carthy. “It’s not about the ball we’re using but about hitting the ball back and forth between us. In a conversation, it’s not so much about what we are discussing but the fact that we’re building a connection between us.”

However, Abrahams warns us not to keep the ball in our half of the court for too long. He says two types of turns take place in all conversations: Supporting and switching.

“A supporting turn is where I reinforce what you say. You might say you’ve just visited Spain, and I respond by asking you where in Spain you visited. In a switching turn, I might tell you that I had just come back from France.”

We need a balance of both in conversation. “If all I do is support,” says Abrahams, “it looks like I’m trying to avoid speaking. And if all I do is switch, it looks like I’m selfish.”

Beat the awkward silences

When there are lulls in the conversation, Mc Carthy finds it helpful to have conversational starters at the ready. “Specific questions are good,” he says. “If we ask people how their weekend was, they will probably say it was grand. But if we ask them what the most exciting thing that happened over the weekend was, we may get a more interesting response.”

If you don’t and the conversation dries up, Mc Carthy urges us to move on. “Close the conversation down politely,” he says.

“Some people click and some don’t. Why spend time and effort trying to connect with someone if it’s clear it’s just not happening? Tell them that it was nice talking to them and start again with someone else.”

Gotto uses many of these strategies and recommends them to her clients. She also finds it reassuring to remind herself that almost everyone feels anxious at the thought of starting a conversation with someone they don’t know. “Who isn’t frazzled in that situation?” she asks. “But focusing on our breath can help. Three deep breaths should do it. It can also be comforting to have a prop in your hands. My handbag is the one I use most often but a cup of tea or a glass of water works just as well.”

Whatever you do, she cautions against gaining false courage from alcohol. “Alcohol is often served at networking events, and people often attend them on an empty stomach, which is a combination that can result in disaster,” says Gotto. “If I’m going to an event, I make sure I eat before I go and my first drink or two are always soft drinks.”

With these tried-and-tested tactics, Gotto now enjoys small talk.

“It’s exciting to me because I know that it creates the potential for future collaborations, business dealings, and maybe even friendship,” she says. “Small talk is the first step towards a closer connection.”