Copyright Hartford Courant
We were visiting dear friends in Torrington when a killer question attacked me. Our friends’ age 40-something daughter, Debbie, approached me with an excited look. Debbie explained that when she turned 40 she learned some things about being that age that she regretted not knowing before she reached that age. Debbie asked me to tell her what she needed to know about being 70 so she could prepare. (She plans ahead, what can I say?) I’m great in these situations. I have a great hem and a terrific haw that I combine with a grunt, a throat clearing, and a shout of, “Look over there! It’s a duck dancing the salsa on the head of a pin!” Nothing worked. That’s until I used my ace in the hole. Ignorance can be concealed by answering a question with another question. Intelligently, I asked Debbie, “Can I get back to you?” After months of suffering as her question mercilessly pecked at my brain like the woodpecker on my house, here’s the answer. Or, more accurately, here’s an attempt at an answer. 1. Always assume this could be the last time. Whether you’re celebrating a birthday, greeting a friend, getting to know a stranger, buying a washing machine, cleaning the gutters, or riding your favorite roller coaster—wise 70-year-olds don’t take for granted that they’ll have more times like this. Put all you have into the moment just in case it’s the last. 2. Keep dancing. Debbie, I’ve seen you and your husband dancing in the kitchen, dancing in the dining room, dancing through life. Keep dancing into and beyond your 70s. Once you leave the dance floor and sit down with life’s wallflowers, it gets harder and harder to jump back up and do the Watusi. Your dance is your musical full-body love for your husband. 3. Be ready for the Body Snatcher. Somehow, some way, some force will magically remove the body you now enjoy in your 40s and replace that body in your 70s with an old clunker. Your clunker will hesitate going up hills, spew out creaks, whines, and grinds, run out of gas unexpectedly, and backfire. This happens mysteriously but most assuredly, so don’t make age 40ish demands on your age 70ish body. 4. Build an extra hour into your daily schedule. Things you do in two minutes when you’re age 40 will take you at least 10 minutes when you’re age 70. Among those tasks are: using the restroom, rising from a chair, and recalling the name of that red condiment thingy that you put on French fries. 5. Overcome gift constipation. At your young age I sometimes gave gifts but bound them up in my mind with what I expected to happen to me in return. Maybe I wanted a gushy thank you. Maybe I thought I’d get a gift back (quid pro quo, you know?). That’s gift constipation. Debbie, the best 70+ people have learned to give with no strings attached. 6. Listen to your back. When your back screams, “No! Don’t lift that!” for the sake of God, listen! 7. Know that time really does fly. In your 70s you’ll tell a friend that such and such happened 2-3 years ago. Your friend will give you a head shake and rolling eyeballs as she corrects you by saying that such and such actually happened a decade ago. In your 70s a year goes by every three months. 8. Relish the perks. Don’t listen to the naysayers who constantly complain about old age. Wonderful experiences happened to those of us fortunate enough to reach our 70s. For example, you may find that even a young heavily pregnant woman will take a good look at the 70ish you, then get up and offer you her seat on the bus. When a favorite former boss of mine was in his 70s, a good friend (young, hard working, and in his 50s) asked the boss what the best part of retirement was. Without hesitation, with full confidence, the boss happily answered, “Monday morning.” 9. Know that brown nosers will lose appeal. In your 70s you will not value the person who says to you, “You look terrific!” when you know you look like an overripe, tired prune. But, you’ll highly value the person who takes you to a secluded corner of a crowded room and whispers, “You have a black thing stuck between your front teeth.” 10. Never multi-task. Chewing gum while walking may be okay. But, dear Debbie, in your 70s climbing stairs while texting or laughing with a hot cup of coffee in hand could be a death sentence. 11. Have 14 best friends. In your 20s, 30s, and 40s you can afford to have one or two best friends. But as the tunnel of life grows darker, narrower, and creepier, you start losing friends to the grave. One day you may be left with just your 14th favorite friend. Treat all friends like best friends. You don’t know which ones will stay with you on this side of the grass until your journey ends. Don’t travel alone. 12. Forget faith in everything but one thing. If you live long enough, your faith in everything will fail. Have faith in makeup, diets, hearing aids, or wrinkle creams? Forget about it. Faith in money, your abilities, yoga, nutrition, doctors? One day they too will sneak out life’s back door. The one exception is if you put your faith in God. That’s a game winner. Oh, and one last thing. I saw this on Facebook attributed to a group called Her True Worth. Philippians is known as the happiest book in the Bible, yet it was written in prison. Don’t let circumstances steal your joy. Chris John Amorosino lives in Unionville.
