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We all know — or know of — a couple who broke up because only one of them wanted children, even if that couple is just Sofía Vergara and Joe Manganiello. Whether or not to become parents is one of the most important issues for couples to align on, and when they disagree, it can understandably be their undoing. But life is never that straightforward, and in some cases, one person in the couple can sometimes change their mind about having kids. The other may even make the case to try and “convince” them to reconsider. This sometimes works out for them and sometimes doesn’t, but it’s certainly a fine line to tread. “Deciding to have children isn’t something anyone should be pushed into,” Teresha Young, an international wellness and relationship coach told HuffPost. “If a couple talks things through openly and honestly, and a partner decides of their own accord that they now want children, it can be a natural, healthy and positive shift. This often comes from finding common ground as a team, sharing hopes, and imagining a future together.” Advertisement We’re using the term “convincing” with a large helping of salt here, because this isn’t about coercion or putting pressure on a partner who simply does not want children. It’s much more nuanced than that. “If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster,” Young said. “No one should be forced into making such a significant life decision. That kind of pressure can breed resentment, bitterness, emotional disconnection and withdrawal. It might not surface straight away, but over time it can chip away at the relationship.” Advertisement In an ideal world, dating experts would typically advise that people start talking about whether or not they want kids in the long term in the first few dates. “The conversations should begin with discussing your positive childhood memories, what you loved about how you were raised, and then transition into what you may do differently with your kids,” Spicy Mari, a relationship expert featured on Netflix’s ”Sneaky Links” and founder of The Spicy Life, told HuffPost. These conversations, Mari said, should take place whether you’re in your 20s or your 40s, especially if you know that you feel strongly one way or the other. “If anyone is being emotionally manipulated, guilt-tripped or blackmailed into parenthood, that’s a recipe for disaster.” Advertisement Still, people often find themselves in a long-term relationship where they don’t align with their partner on the kids question, whether they didn’t discuss it until they were already invested or one person changed their mind along the way. In this case, Young said to start with curiosity about your partner’s position. “This is not about proving who is ‘right,’” the expert said. “It’s about listening with empathy, respecting each other’s perspectives, and exploring whether there’s room for alignment without pressure or guilt.” If these conversations don’t yield any movement on either side, the couple will have to consider whether or not to continue the relationship given this information. For obvious reasons, this isn’t a decision to take lightly. “Every child deserves to grow up in an environment that feels physically, emotionally and psychologically safe,” said Young. “For that to happen, both people need to genuinely want to become parents. If there’s hesitation or a lack of shared desire, there’s a risk of creating a situation where a child may not have the best chance to thrive.” Advertisement HuffPost spoke to five people who say they felt they “convinced” their partner to have children, whether or not their relationship worked out in the end. Here’s what they told us. The conference bargain “My husband and I have been together for the past 10 years. On our second date, he said he was looking for something serious and wanted to know if I was looking for the same. I was too busy in my life to invest myself emotionally in a relationship without direction so I gave us a chance. When I was younger I did not know I wanted children. It wasn’t until the opportunity to have children presented itself that I knew having children would be a natural next step for me. My husband did not have a strong opinion about having children or not having children. He has two children from a previous marriage, so he did not have a sense of urgency. Advertisement [He] changed his mind about having a child with me when I was accepted to speak at the International Peace Research Association’s conference in Sierra Leone. He was concerned I would not be safe [as an Iranian American psychologist] traveling to Sierra Leone and tried to convince me not to go. I didn’t see a point in putting my safety first unless I had a child, so my husband agreed to have a child with me. For this reason, I upheld my end of the bargain by canceling my speaking engagement at the conference in Sierra Leone. [Today], our 8-year old is funny, dynamic and cute. Parenting is a challenge, yet it is a false dichotomy to think that just because something is not easy that it is not worthwhile.” — Dr. Azadeh Weber Slow build “My wife didn’t want kids at first […] because she grew up watching family members who lost their independence after becoming parents. She loved her work, and the idea of trading that in for diapers and sleepless nights didn’t seem like a path she wanted to take. But I really wanted kids. I didn’t pressure her, though. Advertisement I started with small conversations, usually while we were doing something relaxed like walking or cooking. I’d say things like, ‘If we had a daughter, I think you’d be the one teaching her how to travel light and figure out any airport like a pro,’ or, ‘I think you’d be the kind of mom who keeps her style and independence, even with a kid on her hip.’ I brought it into our day-to-day in a way that wasn’t heavy. I made changes to show her it didn’t have to look like what she feared. We blocked out full weekends just for ourselves, traveled often, and split all chores. I told her I’d take night shifts if we ever had a baby and that I’d make sure her work still came first when she needed it to. We even talked through how child care would work, who could help us, and what we’d keep doing as individuals and as a couple. None of it happened in one moment. It was a slow build, always honest. Now we have two kids, and she’s still doing the work she loves, still traveling, still herself. I didn’t convince her with words. I helped her picture a life where having children added to what she already valued, not replaced it.” Advertisement — James Myers Technical glitch “We started dating in September 2020. We were together for a year before he allowed me to meet his daughter. (I always knew I wanted children.) I was one of three and from a very big family. I had also lost a child during a brutal miscarriage in my previous relationship. That kind of made it worse for me, I felt that the only way I could get over that was to have a child that survived. I was painfully aware that time was ticking by when we met so I told him during our first phone call that having children was a ‘dealbreaker.’ He didn’t explicitly tell me no. I think that he tried to on our first date, but I maybe didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want another child as he had raised his daughter on his own from [when she was] 5 months old. He didn’t want to have to go through all that again when he was just ‘getting his life back.’ I didn’t want any stepchildren as that had been my previous situation, and I found it challenging. We blame the app that we met on because we both thought that we had put in our preferences for children. Advertisement José discussed it with a friend — his words were, ‘I don’t want another child, but I want her, so that is the price.’ We didn’t explicitly have the conversation either that I didn’t want a stepchild, but I knew that his daughter came with him as a package. I think having our own child has brought the four of us together as a family. His daughter now has a baby brother, and he brings so much joy and light into our lives that we all bond over our love for him. It has been the best thing I’ve ever done. And my partner says, ‘I didn’t want this, but now I couldn’t be without him.’ — Sophie Wilson Baby bucket list “In the beginning of our marriage, my husband worked at an adolescent psychiatric center. He saw things there that were really hard on him. When I started bringing up that we should start trying, he would get silent and push the subject away. Then one day, he broke the news to me that he didn’t want kids anymore. I felt trapped, as I had always wanted to be a mom, and now I’m married to a guy who is taking that dream away from me. The next day, I called my husband’s mom and shared with her what he had told me. My in-laws waited a few days and called my husband when they knew I wouldn’t be around. I’m so thankful for that phone call as I know my father-in-law told my husband, ‘You are going to lose her if you don’t give her children. It is your husband responsibility to do so.’ A few weeks later [...] I sat down with my husband and explained to him that while I love him so much, I cannot be with someone that I resent for the rest of my life. That was the turning point for us. He finally opened up about the things that he saw at the psychiatric center and how it scared him to have kids. He told me, ‘I will give you kids, but I just need some more time to get over what I saw.’ Advertisement Time — OK, I can work with that! We had time. We were only 26 at this point! We worked on a ‘Baby Bucket List’ of things that we wanted to accomplish before we started trying to have kids. The last thing we had on our Baby Bucket List was to go skydiving together. In the plane 10,000 feet up, I looked at him and said, ‘This is the last thing.’ Two months later, we went out for a Christmas Eve dinner, just the two of us. It was there that he looked at me and said, ‘I’m ready. Thank you for waiting.’ YourSupportMakes The Story Your SupportFuelsOur Mission Your SupportFuelsOur Mission Join Those Who Make It Possible HuffPost stands apart because we report for the people, not the powerful. Our journalism is fearless, inclusive, and unfiltered. Join the membership program and help strengthen news that puts people first. We remain committed to providing you with the unflinching, fact-based journalism everyone deserves. Thank you again for your support along the way. We’re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again. We remain committed to providing you with the unflinching, fact-based journalism everyone deserves. Thank you again for your support along the way. We’re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again. Support HuffPost Already a member? Log in to hide these messages. We now have two kids, a boy who is 12 and a girl who is 10, and it is wild to me that the scared 20-something guy is the same guy who is helping me raise our kids. Our kids are so lucky to have him as a dad, and I am so blessed to have him as a husband.” Advertisement
