Imagine being 10 years old and telling your parents: “I want a $1,000 gadget, plus $40 every month to keep it. It’ll let me chat with friends and adults I’ve never met all day long. And by the way, I’ll never look up from it again.”
They would have said no.
Or picture this at age 12: “I’d like to take hundreds of pictures of myself and post them where all my classmates and anyone else online can see them and rate how I look.” That’s essentially Instagram. Again, your parents probably would have shut it down immediately.
But today? Most parents are saying yes, often without realizing what they’re agreeing to when they hand over a smartphone. It doesn’t mean they’re bad parents. Many are the same moms and dads who enforce bedtimes, require seatbelts, and expect manners. Yet the pull of technology and social media is so powerful and normalized that even careful parents get swept up in what everyone else is doing.
The stats are sobering: Kids now get their first smartphone around age 11. Nearly 40% of 10- to 12-year-olds are already on social media. The outcomes, according to mounting research, haven’t been good.
So, what’s a parent supposed to do? The answer is deceptively simple: Be in charge.
Parenting styles have long been a hot topic. You’ve probably heard of helicopter parents (hovering), snowplow parents (clearing obstacles), or gentle parents (avoiding “no”).
Academics, though, usually break parenting down into four styles. To make them easier to remember, let’s pair them with ocean animals:
Uninvolved (fish parenting): Provide basic needs, then swim away. No rules, no affection. Kids are largely on their own.
Permissive (sea sponge parenting): Soft and nurturing, but with no backbone. These parents rarely set boundaries. “Gentle parenting” often falls here — lots of love, little structure.
Authoritarian (tiger shark parenting): Strict rules, harsh punishments, little warmth. Think: “Because I said so.” Kids obey, but often resent it.
Authoritative (dolphin parenting): A balance of affection and boundaries. Firm but flexible. Rules are explained, not barked out.
Decades of research are clear: Authoritative (or dolphin) parenting produces the healthiest, most resilient kids.
Why do the others fall sort?
Fish and sea sponge parents don’t set limits. Kids raised this way often make unhealthy choices (think: Cocoa Puffs for dinner, screens until midnight) and struggle when the real world eventually says no.
Tiger shark parents enforce rules, but without warmth or explanation. Their kids may comply when watched but misbehave when unsupervised. Many grow into adults who only act responsibly under pressure — and lack self-motivation.
Dolphin parents, by contrast, combine structure with empathy. They validate feelings while holding boundaries. Psychologist Becky Kennedy calls this “sturdy leadership”: making decisions you know are good for your child, even if it makes them upset in the moment.
Applied to devices and social media, dolphin parenting means setting clear rules (e.g., no phones in bedrooms at night, no social media before a certain age, limits on daily screen time) and enforcing them consistently.
But it also means explaining why. Instead of “because I said so,” it might sound like: “My job is to make decisions that keep you healthy, even if you don’t like them right now. I get that you’re upset, but this is one of those times.”
This approach strikes the right balance. It helps kids understand boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re protections. And it preserves the parent-child relationship as one built on trust and care, not fear or avoidance.
Saying yes to endless screen time may keep the peace today, but it can undercut your child’s ability to focus, build relationships, and develop independence. Your real job isn’t to make your kids happy every moment; it’s to raise competent, confident adults who can thrive on their own.
Parenting is not a partnership of equals. Yes, we want to be close to them. But we’re their parents, not their friends. Kids don’t yet have the brain development or life experience to make the best long-term choices. That’s where sturdy leadership comes in: giving them what they need, not just what they want.
So the next time you’re tempted to give in, remember: You’re not just raising kids. You’re raising future adults. Dolphin parenting — firm, flexible, affectionate, and consistent — gives them the best chance to grow into healthy, independent people in a high-tech world.
Jean M. Twenge, PhD, is a professor of psychology at San Diego State University. She has authored more than 190 scientific publications and several books based on her research, including “10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World,” “Generations,” “iGen,” and “Generation Me.” Her research has been covered in Time, The Atlantic, Newsweek, The New York Times, USA TODAY, and The Washington Post.
Want to be your own boss? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, How To Start A Business: For First-Time Founders. Find step-by-step guidance for launching your first business, from testing your idea to growing your revenue.