Copyright Anchorage Daily News
Dear Wanda and Wayne, My girlfriend and I are in our late 20s and we’ve been together nearly a year. It’s been slow but steady, communicative, fun, and built on a confident maturity and trust. That’s why I was completely blindsided when she pulled a “TikTok loyalty test” on me. One of her friends texted me out of the blue during a workday, being overly friendly and then flirty. I responded politely at first, basically “haha, wrong number,” but the messages kept coming so I pushed back, like “Not cool.” Then it got uncomfortable fast, like “You’re so sexy.” “I’ve always been into you.” “I can keep a secret,” etc., so I stopped responding. I was anxious the rest of the day trying to figure out how to tell my girlfriend about her friend being so deceptive to us. That night, my girlfriend asked how my day went and I could hardly respond before she burst out with a silly laugh, and — spoiler! — it was all a prank. She said her friends did it with their boyfriends and they all were curious how I’d handle it. She said that she knew I was faithful and she was reluctant but said fine, do it, and that I clearly passed with flying colors. She said in some baby talk voice that she was so proud of me. My heart sank and I said it wasn’t funny at all and they’re all wrong for doing it. I was humiliated and told her that maybe I shouldn’t trust her if she thinks it’s fine crossing boundaries to get a laugh with her friends. She was stunned that I was so upset and quickly backtracked, saying she got caught up with her friends and felt terrible about it. I believe her apology and I know she’s hurting now, too, but I can’t shake the feeling that something shifted that night. If she knows me this well, why test me at all? And if she could laugh off something that she should know would hurt me and us, what isn’t off limits? Now she’s sad and quiet when she’s not apologetic. And I’d really like to get past this but I just don’t know how. It’s not going away. I see her differently. I skipped one of her friend’s birthday dinner/party last week. It’s all a mess. How can I get over this? Or should I? Maybe this prank revealed who she really is and not who I thought she was. Wayne says: So that’s what qualifies as a prank today? Hilarious! It’s all fun and games until a bunch of hearts get broken. What your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend and her crew did wasn’t cute, clever or confidence-boosting. It was manipulation, immaturity, and insecurity. She turned your trust and the firm footing of the relationship into entertainment at your expense. And what she didn’t realize when this little scheme was hatched was that this wasn’t a loyalty test for you to pass, but a test of respect that she failed. Oh, she apologized? I hope so. Maybe this was out of character, but she’s still a grown-up who easily folded to some ridiculous teenage social (media) pressure. How do you get over it? Maybe there’s a chance if her actions start matching her apologies, and you see a reboot to the mature, trusted version of her that you fell for. But if you are still struggling to breathe after this gut-punch, the experience illustrates what you need to feel secure in a relationship, and it’s not being with someone whose fatal flaw is playing prankster over partner. Wanda says: Too often, social media feels like a third wheel in today’s relationships. You’ve got those who overshare and post too many privacies and intimacies — and those who never post anything, shaking the confidence of their partners. There are some who uncomfortably like and heart others’ thirst trap posts while neglecting digital attention and affection toward their IRL relationship, while others have sneaky behind-the-scenes DMs. Your situation appears to be unique at face value, another example of social media once again torpedoing a blooming relationship. However, while the TikTok mechanism modernizes this game, the script is the same: have a friend flirt with your partner and see how he responds. Today it’s called the TikTok loyalty test? Forty years ago it was passing a suggestive note between classes. It’s all the same — and by that, I mean deceitful and immature. Trust should not be proven with gotcha games and tricks. It’s earned every day through the small things that build up a relationship’s foundation. Sounds like you guys were on the right track until your girlfriend threw a grenade into the mix. Her willingness to go along with this lame game unfortunately betrays an immaturity and a lemming-like susceptibility for succumbing to social media trends, even if they’re harmful to your relationship. She may be apologetic and remorseful, but she can’t unring the bell, or in this case, unsend the deeply offensive texts that she was culpable to. I’d log out of this relationship for now and take some space to assess next steps. [Wayne and Wanda: My girlfriend dropped a financial bombshell on me] [Wayne and Wanda: After a promising start, I’ve been ghosted on a dating app] [Wayne and Wanda: The rental market is tough, but this roommate situation may be tougher]
