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It’s time to reveal the winners of our Volcanic Ash joke-writing contest, in which readers were invited to submit punchlines to finish state Transportation Director Ed Sniffen’s declaration that Honolulu rail “is setting us up for our connected, and resilient and sustainable systems.” I wanted to start by telling you that reading your entries was the highlight of my week — but don’t get cocky because my only other major event was getting a Foley catheter stuck in me. Then I looked up the last time I ran one of these contests and I used the same line, except that week I got a colonoscopy. The moral: These joke contests are really tough on my aging innards. (And it’s amazing how many entries involved the colon and bladder.) Anyway, back to Sniffen, starting with the five winners I found funniest (purely subjective) who will get $20 Longs gift cards. I’ll list as many runners-up as I can fit and thank all participants for a wonderful outpouring of wit. So what did Sniffen mean about rail setting us up for connectivity, resilience and sustainability? The winners: >> Human colons are connected, resilient, and sustainable systems too; the results, likewise, are predictable. — Doug Chun >> Jus’ don’t boddah me if you need make shishi. — Marc Delorme >> And if you believe me, that makes one of us. — David Tanaka >> If not setting up for us, then for our kids, and if not for them, then for their kids and, if not for them … well, for somebody, someday, hopefully. — John M. (Chip) Davey >> I think I can, I think I can! — Carolyn D. Nakagawa Honorable mention: >> Oops, wrong speech. I was just in a meeting about our failing sewers. — Stephen Gentuso >> Today’s special: Word Salad à la Sniffin! — Dennis Kaaihue >> And everyone knows rail spelled backward is “LIAR.” — Vera Arita >> Ed’s stream of unconsciousness. — Ilse Epple >> Don’t piddle, just stop at Middle. — Deborah Freitas >> An elevated trip to bankruptcy. — Gerald Sumida >> Don’t bail and be a snail. Hop on the rail and sail like a whale. — Ron Iwai >> Skyline: Connecting O‘ahu — unless you live in Hawaii Kai, Kaimuki, Kaneohe, Kailua, Manoa, Waimanalo, or … — David M. Houff >> Thanks for the warning, Ed. This time we’ll know we’ve been set up. — Paul Campbell >> Which is perfect, because after all these years we definitely built up a lot of resilience waiting for it. — Lani Isherwood >> Yep, a sustainable hole to dump our tax money in. — Chris Kempf >> Said he with a humorless straight face. — Cynthia Thielen >> For a more comprehensible explanation, contact ozzyosbourne@crazytrain.com. — Jim Ritchie >> I feel railroaded already. — Valerie Koenig >> Your digestive system certainly needs to be resilient and sustainable because there’s no bathroom in sight. — Alvin Char >> Yikes! Back To The Future. — Randall Yanagi >> It is even better than thumbing for a ride. — Joyce Oka >> Yeah, it must pass the Sniff(en) test! — Wilbert Kubota >> Really, what you been sniffen’ Ed? — Mark Werneke Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
