By Steve Braunias

Copyright newsroom

Christopher Luxon

I was sitting around making a TikTok when an aide burst in the door and said, “Prime Minister, there’s been a GDP disaster. It’s fallen almost a full percentage point in the three months ended June!”

I chuckled, and said, “Labour’s fault.”

He stared at me and said, “The 0.9% fall in economic activity in the June 2025 quarter is broad-based with falls in 10 out of 16 industries!”

I chortled, and said, “Labour’s fault.”

He walked closer, and said, “Manufacturing saw the hardest fall. It dropped 3.5% in the quarter, led by transport equipment, machinery, and equipment manufacturing which fell 6.2%.”

I sniggered, and said, “Labour’s fault.”

He leaned over my desk, and said, “Overall, the New Zealand economy has contracted 1.4% or roughly $1 billion since the election in 2023.”

I snickered, and said, “Labour’s fault.”

He leaned into my face, and said, “This compares unfavourably to most other countries. New Zealand’s economy has shrunk 0.6% relative to the same quarter last year, while Australia has grown 1.8%, Canada 1.2%, the European Union 1.6%, and the United Kingdom 1.2%.”

I looked out the window. It was raining. “Labour’s fault,” I laughed, until I cried.

Nicola Willis

I was sitting in a leather armchair and staring into space when an aide burst in the door, and said, “More bad news on the GDP disaster! Economic activity is down 1.1% on an annual basis and GDP per capita has fallen 2.1%.”

I fixed my eyes on a distant point, and said, “Lower interest rates are filtering through the economy. There is evidence of increased mortgage lending. The outlook for most export sectors remains positive.”

The aide kept talking but I stopped listening to her petty and irrelevant statistics, and zoned my attention towards a distant point. I am a firm believer in the Omega Point Theory, a theorised future event in which the entirety of the universes spirals toward a final point of unification.

In essence the theory says that reality is making progress from some initial state to some final state. The progress is an increase in quality. For example, reality is making progress from the chaotic to the orderly, and from financial disaster to economic prosperity.

I find it invaluable in all my decision making.

Winston Peters

I was asleep at my desk but was wakened by a loud hollow noise. It was Shane Jones, saying that apparently there was a GDP disaster.

When he finished, I said, “How would you like to be deputy leader of New Zealand First?”

He said, “I’d like that.”

He left, and I went back to sleep.

David Seymour

I was at the polo with my employers from the Atlas Network and mentioned there had been a slight wobble with GDP.

He said, “I don’t believe it.”

I said, “It’s not as bad as it looks. It’s the way of things with GDP.”

He said, “No, not that. I don’t care about that. Look over there. Isn’t that a Māori? How did they get in here? We don’t want Māoris in here, do we. Half-castes, they’re alright.”

Chris Hipkins

I was sitting perfectly still when an aide burst in the door and said, “There’s been a GDP disaster!”

I listened as she expanded on how bad it was, and reeled off the statistics.

When she finished, she said, “You haven’t moved.”

I stared into the distance, and said, “Have you heard of the Omega Point Theory?”