Hark! Lo! Yoo-hoo!! After a truly baffling season of Bachelor in Love Island, both I and the Bachelor Cinematic Universe have returned to our true form. I, a beautiful and clever five-time Emmy-winning writer with a few Wednesday nights free and The Golden Bachelor, a heart-warming and adorable exploration of women’s second acts with a male doofus at the center who has already embarrassed himself. A lot is absolutely terrible in the world around us. I think we’re only three business days away from IcyHot being classified as a Schedule I controlled substance, but The Golden Bachelor remains!
And what a Golden Bachelor we have! There’s already the scandal surrounding Mel, where he didn’t seem to understand the basic premise of the television program he signed up for. He appeared on a random podcast, and they asked him about his preferences. He said, “women 45-60, no artificial hips or wigs.” SIR! Did you think they were making you the regular Bachelor? The date of Mel’s gaffe on the podcast comes up on the screen like he’s the subject of a true crime documentary. If he is revealed to be the one sending all these text messages, I’m fucking out of here. The undercurrent of this season is whether Mel can earn the women’s trust back after basically saying he’s not interested in women his age.
Thankfully, because this is network television, the women are all smoking hot, and there’s only one woman under the age of 60. Spirit doesn’t have an age, but the casting directors have an agenda!
Let’s get to it!
Let’s really meet Mel, the son of a Negro Leagues baseball player-turned-professor who was raised in Detroit and played Michigan football under Bo Schembechler. He won the Rose Bowl, went pro, and played with the Los Angeles Rams. As someone who was raised by a dad from Detroit, who attended the University of Michigan, and whose family has attended hundreds of Michigan football games, this man is now extremely important and impressive to me. When Mel showed up on screen wearing maize and blue, I found myself utterly incapable of having negative feelings about him. This is one of my Wolverine elders, and he deserves respect! My dad and I have been texting about Mel’s defense stats and if he ever crossed paths with my dad in Detroit as children. We’re all very excited for Mel to start this journey. Mel is married and has two sons. He got divorced five years ago. His description of what happened in his marriage is simply “she found someone new,” so I’ve got to know EVERYTHING about that. Now that his sons are getting older, he’s ready to find love.
There’s a montage of the very hot women questioning if Mel is even worth their time. What does Mel really want? What other dumb things is he going to say? Mel is worried he’s going to judge them. They’re worried he’s going to send everyone home in reverse age order. But don’t worry, ladies, Mel is wearing some semi-formal recovery slip-ons. He’s excited and ready to meet everyone.
First out of the limo is Cindy, 60. She tells him that he can call her Cinderella, and she’s looking for her Prince Charming. Cindy will maintain prolonged and sustained eye contact throughout the episode. Up next is Carol, 63, who tosses him a baseball. Carol’s job is being her major league baseball-playing nephew’s manager? Nanny? Unclear. She’s wearing his jersey as a rhinestoned jean jacket, and Mel asks her, “Big Dodger fan?” and Carol is like, “You have no idea!” Then there’s Diane, 71. She’s a hockey player from Wasilla, Alaska. Just seeing the name “Wasilla” on screen gave me 2008 flashbacks. Diane wants Mel to know she’s the real deal, and attractiveness and spunk don’t end at sixty! I would die for Diane.
Terri brought a puppet who slaps him on behalf of all the sexy-ass 60+ women. Carla is a former model who starts her introduction by saying, “We’re here to break all your stereotypes about women over 60. We’re having sex, we’re having orgasms, we’re doing things.” Debbie is another entrant who gets her own intro package. She resembles a more wholesome Countess Luann, who was the star of the workout VHS series “Slim in 6.” She was never married because she put her whole life into her career.
Then there’s Peg, who arrives in a bomb diffusion suit and sets down a ticking bomb. It has the silliest, tiniest little explosion. A production assistant comes in to reset the gag, and it does the same thing again. I’m unsure what it was supposed to do, but it does not do that. However, that doesn’t matter; Peg is a knockout who clearly catches Mel’s eye. There’s nurse Gerri, awkward Lisa, under-sixty Maia, energetic Alexandra, yoga instructor Nicolle, dentist Monica P, and vineyard owner Robin.
And up next is season one Golden Babe Sandra! She’s here to introduce her twin sister, Andra. I’m obsessed with the fact that their parents named them Sandra and Andra, and I’m obsessed with the fact that Andra is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Mel and Andra introduce themselves while Sandra watches on and finishes her sister’s sentences. Then there are two women who would fit in on The Bachelor, and they’re there to drop off their mom, Amy, who can’t punch her way through a banner. Susie gives Mel a compass.
Tracy likes hats!
Monica B is a flight attendant, Roxane has cowboy boots, Lily gives him lilies, and Mylene has Mel pop champagne. I love all of them. The last Golden Babe to roll up to the house is Cheryl on a dirt bike. She’s a tomboy from Colorado, and she’s looking for a partner, a best friend, and a lover. Mel is impressed with her. She’s gonna go far.
Mel comes into the house to see the women, and the night has begun. He starts by saying that they have all exceeded his expectations, and he admits that his comments were insensitive and unfair. Then Mel does something he will do multiple times in the episode. He repeats what one of the women says to him as if it were his own thought. When he met Diane, she asked him, “What the puck were you thinking?” and when Mel is in front of the women, he says, “I thought ‘what the puck?’” Diane immediately calls him out that this was her line. Mel! Please! Come up with your own puns!
The cocktail party is sweet and a lot of fun. Mel sits down with Cindy, who tells him her daughter is getting married and she can only bring a plus one if she’s engaged. Mel asks Carol if she’s a Freddy Freeman fan, and she says she’s more than a fan, she’s his aunt! He sits down with Gerri, and she tells him about how her husband passed away 18 years ago, and she basically had to raise their kids by herself. She’s doing this so she can finally do something for herself. Carla gives him a little smooch on the cheek, and they all do the limbo! Cheryl brought “Would You Rather” cards and asks Mel to read them. The last one is “Kiss now or Kiss later.” They both pick “Kiss Now.” This woman is a genius.
This cocktail party is insane because the sun is coming up in the middle of the party. Mel is playing hockey with Diane in full sunlight. He hasn’t even given out the first impression rose, and there are local McDonald’s shutting down breakfast. He gives the rose to Gerri, and they share a pretty tame smooch. I’m working on a theory that Bachelors give the first impression rose to the most impressive woman, and maybe not the woman they have the best chemistry with.
The sun is high in the sky. It might be noon. It’s time for the first Rose Ceremony. Peg, Carla, Terri, Cheryl, Nicolle, Cindy, Amy, Alexandra, Monica P, Mylene, Carol, Roxane, Monica B, Robin, Diane, and Debbie all get roses.
There’s no time to mourn the hotties we’ve left behind because we’ve got a whole week of dates! The ladies move into the mansion, and I’m really thrilled for these women to get to hang out and live together! Peg is concerned that everyone is chatty, and everyone else is worried about the bathroom situation.
There will be a one-on-one date this week, as well as a group date. Cheryl gets the first one-on-one date, and that was probably predictable. Cheryl is led into the other room where there are racks and racks of dresses, and it’s the Princess date! Cheryl says she grew up as a tomboy, and today she gets to live her fairy tale. She tries on the gowns with the other women and settles on a sculptural rose-red gown. She cries because she feels like a real woman, ready to have her love story. She drives off with Mel, and they go to the Queen Mary for a romantic dinner. Cheryl discusses being a caregiver for her mother, her adventurous nature, and her son, Tyson. Cheryl then tells a truly wild story about her ex. Tyson’s father didn’t show up to the hospital when she was giving birth and didn’t show up again for TWELVE MONTHS. Then he showed up again and disappeared with their son for A WEEK. What the fuck! This is one of the wilder stories we’ve ever gotten on any Bachelor franchise. Mel is moved by her story and her strength. She gets the rose. They make out! I’m putting money on Cheryl going far. Fireworks!
It’s time for the group date, and the ladies head to the L.A. Coliseum for a sporty date. The ladies will be competing in a cheerleader battle hosted by THEE PAULA ABDUL!!! This is a celebrity cameo exactly for these women. They’re split up into two teams, and we find out who has dance experience and who has spunk. Mel’s Angels go first, and Peg is the only one who knows what’s going on. Mel’s GB Squad goes next, and Cindy is cheer-fucking Mel the entire time. Mel then debuts his new catchphrase, “No age to spirit!” The winner is Mel’s GB Squad, and they get a private afterparty. The win is tempered by the fact that they have to wear their cheerleading uniforms at the party.
Monica P shares about her second husband’s passing away, Terri is just glad that she doesn’t have to put a bag over Mel’s head when they have sex, and Mel shares a video of Cindy’s daughter backstage getting ready to perform with Diana Ross. Cindy and Mel make out a lot on their way out of the stadium. Cindy gets the group date rose.
Before the second rose ceremony of the episode, it’s time for a pool party! Mel must have told the producers he needed to see these women in bathing suits before any feelings started to develop. Get those sassy, embellished one-pieces on! He graciously gives the women some eye candy, takes his shirt off, and jumps in the pool with his gym shoes on. He has a moment with Peg and Diane. The only drama so far is Nicolle swims up to Mel, hangs off his neck, and starts making out with him. She’s done this at every event, but she’s really trying to get her money’s worth during this pool party. Terri, who is more aggressive than Countess Luann, has her eyes on the situation and looks ready to fight. Even Mel knows they shouldn’t get too out of hand. Carla shoots Mel and Nicolle with a water gun to get them to stop.
It’s time for the next Rose Ceremony, and I’m already so invested in all these women. Roxane, Debbie, Gerri, Monica P, Monica B, Carol, Peg, Nicolle, Robin, Amy, and Terri all get roses. Carla! Diane! Mylene! Alexandra! Noooo! Mel knows it’s hard to send them home, but he feels like his wife is here. Carla isn’t fazed because her DM’s are open.
THIS SEASON ON THE GOLDEN BACHELOR: Kisses with Amy, Peg, and Cheryl! Nicolle still makes out with Mel in front of everyone! The tears! Mel saying, “I don’t know if she’s ready yet, but I’m ready!”