By Ben Groundwater

Copyright brisbanetimes

There are exceptions to this rule. In general, however, if you find yourself in front of a popular or well-known tourist attraction and think, we’ll just sit down at this restaurant right here for a meal, you’re in for a bad time. These restaurants and bars don’t depend on loyal customers to keep them in business, they depend on hapless tourists who can’t think of anywhere else to go. And so you sit down at the nearest tourist trap and pay far more than you should for food that is far worse than it should be, and walk away telling yourself that the food in this country is nowhere near as good as everyone reckons.

You can’t speak even a word of the local language

“DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” This is the classic refrain from the helpless tourist, who has decided that if they aren’t being understood by locals, it’s because they aren’t speaking loudly enough. Couple of things to note here. First, everyone can hear you just fine. If people can speak English, they probably will. And second, it’s incumbent upon you, the visitor, to learn a few words of the language, not for everyone else to adjust.

You’re wearing boardies or a singlet or thongs

There’s a certain cringe factor any time you see someone – almost always an Australian – rocking board shorts or a singlet or even thongs when they’re getting around overseas. These aren’t inherently offensive items of clothing, and I would say almost all of us (men at least) own a few examples. But no one else does. So when these items that would be reserved purely for the beach in most countries are worn as everyday clothing, they seem so incongruous, and make it so obvious you’re not from around here.

You can’t lift your own suitcase

If you can’t lift your own suitcase, you’ve packed too much. There are exceptions of course, those with a disability and unable to heft a bag of clothing and travel accessories, and that’s understandable. Everyone should be free to travel. For some, however, it’s a choice to take too much, a choice to lean on everyone else around you to help carry it, and a choice to look like a hapless tourist.

You’re shopping at international chains

Surely, you didn’t come all this way just to shop at places you could call into at Westfield? And yet, you see this all the time, tourists who go overseas and insist on shopping at the same international chain stores they visit at home, to buy the same mass-produced stuff, to look the same as everyone else and ensure all profits from their visit to this country are funnelled offshore. What’s the point? The far better behaviour from a visitor is to make a point of shopping at local stores, at boutiques or with artisans that produce items you couldn’t find anywhere else.

You’re wearing branded travel wear

There are few things worse when you’re travelling than walking into a restaurant or an attraction you’ve been dying to experience and finding yourself sharing it with a bunch of people wearing quick-dry Kathmandu shirts and zip-off pants. There’s no need for this specialist gear when you’re travelling, unless you’re doing some genuine hiking or mountaineering. If you wear this stuff around towns and cities, it marks you out as a tourist. It makes locals despise you because you look so out of place, and makes other travellers dislike you because you’re making all of us look bad. Just wear the same clothes you would at home.

You’re only here for the night

When people begin travelling they tend to want to see everything, and to see it as quickly as possible. They do a tour or a cruise that whips them through the highlights in the minimum number of days. How long are you in town? Just the night. But the longer you travel, the more you begin to see the folly in those ways. Slow travel is good travel; the longer you spend in one place, the less a tourist you become.

You have a money belt

Honestly, nothing screams “tourist” like the telltale bulge around the mid-regions that shows someone is wearing a money belt. Even worse are the wallets that dangle around your neck and sit awkwardly on your chest. You’re not hiding anything with these. Instead, you’re sending a clear signal to every scammer and wannabe robber in eyesight that you have something to steal.

You’re not using your phone properly

If you’re only using your phone as a web browser and a camera when you’re travelling – or maybe you’re not even doing that – you’re going about things the wrong way. Pack away the old-school paper maps because Google or Apple Maps has you covered. Stop fumbling with translations because your phone does all that too. Your phone is also your bank card, your torch, your compass, your diary … apparently it can even make phone calls.

You’re not even sure where you are

It’s so cringeworthy when you hear tourists on package tours, on cruises or bus trips that call into 10 or more destinations in a few weeks, confess that they’ve forgotten what city they’re even in. Or what country. They don’t know which currency they should be using (Americans tend to assume everyone will accept US dollars anyway). They don’t know which language they should be doing their best not to have to speak. They don’t know anything about local customs, food, history, or anything else, really. This is peak tourist behaviour.

You’ve fallen for a scam

There’s no shame in this. Or at least, not the first time anyway. You’re up against people who do this for a living, people who have been practising their art for years. You, the bumbling foreign tourist on your first stint overseas, don’t stand a chance. So you cop being short-changed, you take the scenic route in the cab, you donate money to a budding student of the English language, and you go on your merry way. Dumb tourists get scammed all the time. It’s happened to me, no doubt it’s happened to you. The trick is not to let it continue.

You have a map

As mentioned earlier, you aren’t still unfolding and refolding paper maps, are you? Stopping on the street to peer at that map, waving your arms around, taking out pedestrians desperately trying to duck and weave past your flailing limbs? No? Great.

You’re travelling with a large group

If you’ve managed to find a way to move around in a large group of fellow visitors, to follow along meekly behind a leader with a little flag on a stick or a microphone to speak into, and not look like a dumb tourist, I would love to know about it. Because I’ve never seen it.

You’re eating at McDonald’s

Airports don’t count. Airports are international waters and the rules do not apply. I will die on that hill. If you’re in an airport, you go and eat as much American junk food as you please. If, however, you’re doing this as part of your normal travels, if you’re in Spain or Italy, India or China, Japan or Peru, and you’re eating Macca’s, for shame. You’re missing one of the best travel experiences out there – eating local food – and you’re also sending a clear signal to those around you that you don’t value their cuisine.

I confess: Five times I was a dumb tourist

Scammed in Vietnam: The first time I went to Asia was on a solo trip to Vietnam when I was 24, and I fell for a scam within about four hours. There I was, sitting by Hoan Kiem Lake, pondering my good fortune at even being there, when a young guy approached me and talked me into joining him for lunch. Long story short, it cost me $US100.

Photographing every sunset: I still, to this day, feel the urge to photograph sunsets. I know I won’t get the perfect photo. I know I’ll keep shooting with every new colour that emerges in the sky because I want to get just the right shot. I know I should put the phone down and just enjoy it. But the same thing happens every time.

The Singha singlet: That same first trip to Asia, I decided it would be really cool to collect beer T-shirts from every destination. Now I look back at photos and there I am roaming around South-East Asia with my Tiger shirt, my Beerlao shirt, and most dumb-touristy of all, a Singha singlet. Cringe.

Drunk in Europe: It’s true: I’ve pushed things a little too far in many destinations where residents just don’t get that boozy. I went on a Contiki tour when I was 17. I backpacked around Western Europe when I was in my early 20s. I worked for Topdeck in my mid-20s. I did a lot of stuff that I would definitely not want to do any more.

Macca’s in Jaipur: Despite the advice you will read here, I have been known to visit a certain American fast-food chain while travelling. Most memorably, I went to Macca’s in Jaipur, India to escape some guys who were trying to scam me, and ended up eating terrible food in a place famous for its cuisine.

Five signs you’re being a dumb tourist in your own country

Only travelling overseas: This is the biggest mistake you can make in Australia: not travelling in Australia. Dumb tourists think there’s nothing to see in their own country. The cultural cringe is alive. Smart people will be able to tell you that there is a vast swath of places and experiences out there in Australia to delight any traveller.

Ignoring Indigenous tourism: Talk to many Indigenous tourism operators in Australia, and they will tell you that the bulk of their clients are international, not Australian. There’s a lack of appreciation here for our own First Nations culture, or at least a reticence to learn more about it when on holiday. Which is a shame because these are some of the best experiences out there.

Causing environmental damage: Whether it’s littering, driving on beaches when you’re not supposed to, camping in places where it isn’t allowed, or any number of other destructive actions, these are the signs of a dumb tourist. Don’t let it be you.

Causing cultural damage: For years, Anangu elders asked tourists not to climb Uluru – and yet, some still did. Now, the Dambimangari people are asking tourists not to ride boats through Garaanngaddim, also known as Horizontal Falls, a practice that will be banned from the end of next year. There are numerous examples of this across the country, traditional owners asking that tourists respect their cultural heritage. The smart ones will.

Skipping the big-ticket attractions: You should go to Uluru. As soon as you can. See the Great Barrier Reef. Drive the Great Ocean Road. It may seem unimaginative to go to places in your own country that are so popular, and that will always be there for you to see some other time, but that’s not smart. Go now. Enjoy them many times. These places are amazing.