A teacher says parents who ban their middle and high schoolers from dating are doing their kids “a serious disservice.”
“I’m not saying to encourage dating — in fact, I’d discourage it,” Jessica, a middle and high school teacher, tells TODAY.com. “But if you open your mind and heart to the idea that perhaps your kid might be doing something behind your back … you won’t close the door to communication.”
“You’re doing your kids a serious disservice, telling them they’re not allowed to date in middle school and in high school — even if you have good intentions,” Jessica, who asked that her last name be withheld, said in a TikTok video. “Let me explain: Kids want to date and guess what? They’re doing it behind your back anyway, sadly.”
“If they do it behind your back, then they can’t come to you when they need that advice,” said Jessica. “When they need that advice, they’re coming to me. I’m telling them, ‘Why don’t you ask your parents? They’re going to tell you the same thing I’m telling you, sweetheart.’ They say: ‘Well, I can’t, it’s embarrassing. My parents are going to be mad at me. They tell me I can’t date, so I know I’ll just get in trouble.’”
According to Jessica, adolescent relationships are trial runs for functional adult relationships, and they help kids learn values like respect and eventually “how to discern a good person from a bad person or set boundaries.”
Responses varied on TikTok.
“You say that. But my daughter dated a boy from 8th to 10th grade. When they broke up, it almost killed her. Literally.”
“Let them date to get out all the mistakes now, so later they don’t end up with a manipulative adult. Because that first love makes you so blind and at an older age, it can be quite consequential.”
“High school is the best time to start dating.”
“OK, let’s let them shoot up drugs too, because there is a possibility they could do it behind your back. Now, high school I understand but middle school is pushing it.”
“As a teacher, THIS. They are doing it behind your back. Even the ones who are like, ‘My child would never,’ I promise you, they are.”
“Teens will eventually have to learn how to navigate relationships. I would rather that happen under my roof than in college with advice from her dorm mate.”
“FACTS. My parents tried to keep me from talking to boys and dating and it just made me sneaky and not comfortable talking to them about any of it. I want my son to learn what healthy vs. unhealthy partners/relationships look like.”
“I work at a high school and the amount of control kids exert on each other in relationships and think it’s normal is scary. They need guidance!!”
“Kids have a hard time cutting off toxic friends — imagine how hard it will be once the heart is involved. Maturity is needed to date. They DO NOT have it.”
“Dating is normal social interaction. Healthy relationships take learning. It’s part of growing up.”
“I don’t want my kids to have heartbreak so young.”
“I don’t encourage dating — but I also don’t demonize it,” Jessica tells TODAY.com.
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Jessica says students ask for her advice when they are confused, anxious or feeling jealous about their romantic relationships. She takes their emotions seriously.
Teachers are “mandated reporters” and legally required to report abuse and neglect to authorities. Jessica says she would not hesitate to contact parents if she becomes aware of anything serious; however, she says those cases are rare.
Jessica says the “dating” she observes in middle school is students hand-holding, walking each other to class, or talking to each other for a few weeks, then “breaking up.”
“For the vast majority of the time, it’s all pretty innocent,” she says.
What should parents do if their kid wants to date?
According to Sheryl Ziegler, a Denver family therapist, many kids form their first crushes in middle school.
“Kids are going through puberty earlier now, which means they’re developing sexually,” Ziegler, the author of “The Crucial Years: The Essential Guide to Mental Health and Modern Puberty in Middle Childhood,” tells TODAY.com in an email. “Middle school dating doesn’t have to be a panic button moment for parents — it’s actually an opportunity to guide and teach.”
If your kid wants to “date,” get a dialogue going.
“Ask your child what they like about this person, and what being a ‘boyfriend’ or a ‘girlfriend’ means to them at this age,” says Ziegler. “If they say something like, ‘He is cute,’ accept that as an age-appropriate response — romantic feelings start with attraction.”
The next question: “How do you know you feel differently about this boy or girl than someone else you are friends with?”
Ziegler explains, “They may describe thinking or daydreaming about them or getting butterflies in their stomach. That is a great answer — you can reinforce to them that many people feel this way when they have more than ‘friend’ feelings for someone. It’s good validation to the child that they can trust themselves.”
Finally, agree on what “dating” is — talking at school or on the phone at night? Texting? Spending time together in a group or alone? Or kissing?
“It is at this point that you can decide what boundaries you want to impose,” says Ziegler. “Don’t get hung up on the title of ‘dating’ and be more involved in what it means. It’s also a chance to let your child clearly know what is allowable and not acceptable at this age.”
Ziegler identifies relationship risks.
“There’s no such thing as ‘dating’ someone you’ve only met online or never seen face-to-face,” she says. “Beyond that, parents can support their child by helping set healthy boundaries like how late FaceTime can go, whether Snapchat is OK and where in-person time is appropriate.”
Ziegler says age gaps can be significant.
“Developmentally, a 14-year-old kid and a 16-year-old kid are in really different places,” Ziegler tells TODAY.com. “Every year matters — a child could be 11 when they enter middle school and 14 when they graduate.”
This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY: