By Editor,Kennedy

Copyright dailymail

Taylor Swift’s The Life of a Showgirl is here.

Life of a Callgirl is more fitting.

‘Forgive me, it sounds cocky. He ah-matized me and opened my еyes,’ Taylor sings about her sasquatch fiancé in a song titled – I kid, you not – ‘Wood’.

‘Redwood tree, it ain’t hard to see. His love was thе key that opened my thighs.’

This album is raunchy as hell!

When did Taylor abandon Easter eggs for Pascha sausage?

To be clear, it pains me like an all-you-can-eat Alaskan crab leg buffet to write this review. I wanted to love this album, but now I’m going to hurl.

The first track, ‘The Fate of Ophelia,’ a reference to Hamlet’s doomed lover (someone read the CliffsNotes) is a rip off of Lana Del Rey’s ‘Summertime Sadness.’

Next up is ‘Elizabeth Taylor.’

‘And if your letters ever said, goodbye. I’d cry my eyes violet. Tell me for real. Do you think it’s forever?’

I sure hope it’s not ‘forever.’

The throwaway track, ‘Opalite’ has one interesting line: ‘failure brings you freedom’

Well, Taylor, I declare you free to disappear for a few years, get married, have some kids and then write an interesting album, because I feel like I’m drowning in the heel-deep lyrical waters of her Travis era.

I’ve long marveled at Taylor’s ability to continuously evolve while staying true to her teeny-bopper theme of unrequited love. She was the perfect girl with a damaged heart. But now that she’s loved up and happy, she doesn’t have anything to say.

There’s an unforgivable George Michael-robbery ‘Father Figure’ that outright steals the line ‘I’ll be your father figure.’ Then, it gets downright filthy as she morphs – again – into Taylor Daddy.

‘I drink that brown liquor. I can make deals with the devil because my d**k is bigger.’

Showgirl almost gets on track with ‘Wi$h Li$t,’ when Taylor torches the materialistic, bougie wannabe’s who think they’re in her orbit:

‘They want the yacht life, under chopper blades. They want those bright lights and Balenci’ shades. And a fat ass with a baby face.’

But, once again, she makes that tragic turn into Boingville.

‘I just want you, huh (You, you, yeah). Have a couple kids, got the whole block lookin’ like you. We tell the whole world to leave us the f**k alone, and they do. Got me dreamin’ bout a driveway with a basketball hoop’

Fine, go squeeze out a starting squad, but don’t expect me to dance to it. I liked her better as the ‘Anti-hero.’ Sourdough starters in the suburbs aren’t as edgy.

As much as I’ve respected Taylor’s music, I’ve been equally repulsed by her personal life. I hate to say it, because I truly wish the billionaire couple well, but falling deeply in love has been horrible for Taylor’s process.

Where is the eyes-scratched-out-cat-fighting that we all hoped for?

There’s a shred of it in ‘Actually Romantic,’ which is not actually romantic, as some are speculating it’s about Charlie XCX.

‘I heard you call me “Boring Barbie” when the coke’s got you brave. High-fived my ex and then you said you’re glad he ghosted me.’

The song is a condescending evisceration of a former friend, who is so obsessed with Taylor.

‘No man has ever loved me like you do’ she slaps.

I live for this. But there’s just not enough of it.

It takes 10 tracks until Showgirl finds herself, on ‘Cancelled’.

‘Good thing I like my friends cancelled. I like ’em cloaked in Gucci and scandal.’

Right… go tell that to Blake Lively. Everything about this album feels contrived.

So, imagine my surprise when I read that The New York Times crowned Showgirl a ‘Critic’s Pick’ and Rolling Stone gave it a five-star review.

Perhaps these lefty music reviewers are afraid to stand up to the Swifties for fear of being crushed by their squeals. Maybe the establishment feels compelled to give her an ‘attaboy’ for Taylor’s brave Kamala endorsement.

But I know garbage when I smell it. And I can’t help but think that if Taylor had been a little more patient and made a few more enemies, we could have had an entire album.

AI ‘actress’ Tilly Norwood is taking Hollywood by storm, with talent agencies going gaga over a performer as (allegedly) artificial as Lauren Bezos.

Cue Emily Blunt, crying this week, ‘Come on, agencies, don’t do that. Please stop taking away our human connection.’

That’s rich coming from an actress whose frozen face hasn’t emoted in years.

No ‘regerts’

Insiders say everyone knew Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s marriage was on the rocks. But the writing on the wall sure didn’t match the ink on Keith’s body.

Nicole’s name, initials and nickname are splattered across his neck, bicep, wrist and knuckles.

Hey, Keith: love hurts.

But not as much as tattoo removal.

Bad teacher

Untamable shrew, American Federation of Teachers president, Randi Weingarten is pimping her silly book ‘Why Fascists Fear Teachers.’

If it’s education that fascists are afraid of, they should love Randi.

Under her regime math, literacy and science proficiency in public schools are at an all-time low.

Don’t look Taylor!

The romance between white hot lightning rod Sydney Sweeney and her rumored love interest, music producer, Scooter Braun seems to be heating up.

Sydney is a registered Republican accused of promoting white supremacy in her jean’s ads (go figure) and Scooter is a confirmed a**hole, who allegedly bought and sold Swift’s music catalog out from under her.

Cancel culture has finally met its match!

Slippery slope

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs has reportedly been hosting a 6-week seminar in the Brooklyn federal lockup called ‘Free Game With Diddy.’

He’s said to be offering branding advice using ‘positive thinking’ mixed with ‘business tips.’

I imagine that when asked how to grease palms Diddy said, ‘Easy! Use baby oil.’

Oh, brother!

Chubby recluse turned sock-entrepreneur (no joke!) Rob Kardashian is squeezing his way out of obscurity with a rare appearance in the trailer for the new season of ‘The Kardashians.’

No-one is rooting for Rob’s permanent return to the show more than the Craft services folks.

Twenty years ago, Mariah Carey fired the first shot in a diva divorce rift with Jennifer Lopez when she claimed, ‘I don’t know her,’ even though J Lo insists they’ve met ‘many times.’

But Mariah said it again on Andy Cohen’s ‘Watch What Happens Live’ on Wednesday:

‘To clarify, you still do not know her, right?’ he asked.

To which the ‘Fantasy’ belter countered, ‘How could I suddenly know [her], you know?’

Only a true star knows how to kick a rival when she’s down.