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Kristen Bell is in hot water over a 'tone deaf' Instagram post celebrating her husband Dax Shepard. 'Happy 12th wedding anniversary,' she wrote, 'to the man who once said to me: "I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would."' Scolds and cat ladies everywhere came unglued, pointing out that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and how DARE Kristen make light of such a sensitive topic? OK fine, I get it. Every bored and unemployed Redditor has to find their daily axe to grind. But that's where it should have ended. Clearly, however, it was a slow week in the manufactured outrage factory. Before long, single Gen Zers were taking time out from their busy schedule of doomscrolling and swiping through dating apps to give Kristen some unsolicited marital advice. These basement dwelling losers wouldn't know a good marriage if it smacked them in the face (too soon?). Next, they started digging up every clip of this harmless pair until voila, they unearthed a fossil from 2012: Kristen and Dax were, once again, joking about violence. She recounted a story about taking a ride in his classic car, saying, 'He was so excited. We drove to brunch and the first thing I said, five minutes into the ride, I said, 'This sounds like it's going to break.' Dax chimed in, 'And I was very offended. And then I hit her several times.' Kristen, being a professional, played along with the bit adding, 'And then I got beat up. And guess what, I never opened my mouth again.' That was 13 years ago, and I think it's safe to report that Ms Bell has opened her mouth repeatedly since then. After all the internet blowhards had their say, it was the turn of jealous 'friends' to start piling on about how 'Kristen goes through her days unscathed.' 'It seems like she treats all situations she's involved in as if she's in the right at all times,' they bleated. 'She always has an 'I am better than you' mentality that rubs some people the wrong way. It is not a surprise she hasn't apologized, because she doesn't ever think she is wrong.' These so-called pals! Who knew the charmed life of a comedic actress, happily married with two daughters, could incite so much jealous rage? Comedic being the operative word. News flash: Funny people make jokes, and much of the time they're a coping mechanism for trauma and pain and, well, life. Dax's life has not been easy. He has been very vocal about his sobriety and like many addicts, the guy has a slippery wagon he's fallen off in recent years. Does he gloss it over and pretend to live a perfect, filtered life? No! He works the program and tells his 10 and 12-year-old daughters the painful reality of fighting to stay sober. He's open about going to Alcoholics Anonymous and quite rightly has no shame in telling his kids, 'I'm an alcoholic and if I don't go there, then I'll drink and then I'll be a terrible dad.' He's backing up his wife through this whole silly and manufactured 'crisis,' because even though celebrities – like everyone else – share glimpses into their lives and milestones, the post was meant for him. If he didn't like it, the implication is he'd punch her right in the kisser because he's clearly a domestic abuser, in the minds of these mouth-breathing trolls who no doubt view what was intended as a goofy 'Yay! We made it to a dozen!' post as Kristen's cry for help. I was really hoping we had found the off-ramp for rampant cultural cancelations when people started realizing how stupid it was to cancel Sydney Sweeney and pull-down Abraham Lincoln statues. Perhaps Kristen Bell can't save the union, but by making jokes and making her husband laugh she might be saving her own. Good for her for not caving and 'apologizing' – and as for her tiresome critics, the joke's on them. Pulp fiction Stephen King fell for a whopper this week when he responded to a fake Donald Trump post saying, 'WE WILL BE INVESTIGATING THE UN AMERICAN BLUE JAYS WHO ARE ATTEMPTING TO STEAL OUR BELOVED WORLD SERIES. THEY WILL DEFINITELY NOT BE INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.' King accused the president of failing to 'rise above his petty political concerns.' Um, no Stephen that would be you and your full-blown Trump Derangement Syndrome. Taking issue Israel-bashing loon Rachel Zegler has been named one of Glamour magazine's Women of the Year. Wait, Glamour is still a magazine? They clearly didn't watch Rachel's terrible turn as Snow White. But then again, who did? Supplements for suckers Not one to let her sister have all the fun in the creepy coochie department, Kourtney Kardashian is competing with Kim's furry pube-thongs by hawking a line of lollipops for your hoo-hah called Lemme Purr. They're probiotic suckers that ward off kitty infections. I'm not sure which orifice you feed them to. Guess we'll suck it and see! Not Instagram official Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have publicly announced their split, but fans are aflutter because they continue to follow each other on Instagram. Maybe he DMs her for tips on how to flat iron his bangs, but he only follows 115 people and she's one of them. Who says romance is dead? Just in time for Halloween, this zombie romance may still have a pulse. Reading the room Speaking of Nicole's horrible exes, Demi Moore claimed in a recent interview that Tom Cruise was uncomfortable when she showed up eight months pregnant to a table read for A Few Good Men. Maybe he was just pre-emptively jealous that the baby would be taller than him! Waxing lyrical Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry just made their first official public appearance together, but honestly, they give me the creeps... very waxy looking (and that's just Justin!). If I didn't have my glasses on, I'd easily confuse him for an escapee from Madame Tussaud's. What's in a name? Donald Trump may be denying plans to name his new ballroom after himself, but the report has nevertheless ruffled the feathers of the birdbrain Democrats. Wouldn't it be a class act to name it after the First Lady instead? Krafting his image Gavin Newsom recently revealed on a podcast that he raised himself and 'hustled' while growing up, relying on Kraft macaroni and cheese dinners. Sure, Gav. Is that how your daddy saved money to invest in your lucrative wine business?
