Copyright The Boston Globe
When my divorce was final she asked if I was going to celebrate. I said I was planning a trip and she said, “I’d love to take a trip with you.” My brain was messed up when she started communicating like this. We would meet for coffee every few weeks for support, but these comments were by text. No, I didn’t know what I was doing. I figured that out when she declined the trip and then became more distant while also finishing her grad school program. She was busy, but I know what a shift means too. We finally met up for dinner. I told her I needed some clarity on our friendship, that I realized I had developed a crush, and it affected some of my behaviors. I said I knew I needed to heal and I felt our friendship was confusing at times. She said, “We did spend a lot of time together.” I said, “It wasn’t about that. I felt we were very flirtatious with each other.” She said, “I, um, uh, I don’t think I ever flirted with you. That’s just my personality. You need to focus on you right now, not a relationship.” I didn’t push it further. I agreed with the last part, I just wanted clarity. But I feel more confused, not less. I don’t understand. I feel blamed for her behavior. The energy spent on this confusing dynamic hasn’t been helpful for me. I am ashamed I allowed that kind of language and realize I got attached because of it, yet she denied it. I don’t understand words like that platonically. I don’t feel rejected. I feel full of self-doubt that I misread it. I was expecting an “I understand and I will be more careful,” not to be told I misread her personality. It’s disorienting. I feel she led me on and at the same time feel like something is wrong with me for misreading her, like I’m inept. I accepted language like that because I was desperate for support. I see it differently now. I wish I had never relied on her. I need to distance myself from her, at least temporarily. How do I feel less confused? CONFUSED A. Sometimes people read each other wrong. It happens, even with good intentions. Please know: If I received a bunch of winking emojis from a pal, and they told me they wanted to travel with me, I might think they wanted to be more than friends. You’re not wrong for jumping to a conclusion — and you did the exact right thing by asking, “Wait, what has been going on here?” Please don’t assume it will go this way with other possible love interests. Every back-and-forth is its own story. Every question has a nuanced answer. You have good reason to trust yourself. This wasn’t about you “accepting” language; it was about hearing her — then asking for clarity. I understand you’re angry, but try to let it go. Forgive. You don’t have to maintain the friendship, but be grateful that this woman was a cheerleader at an important time. She helped you consider what you might want in a new connection. She was not your endgame, but a first step. It was a misunderstanding, and one you can let go. There will be better connections down the road, and it sounds like you can try some. For the record, it’s possible to focus on yourself and date others at the same time. MEREDITH READERS RESPOND: She got the dopamine hit by stringing you along for the attention. Let me guess: You picked up the tab for all the coffees and dinners. EGOMANIAC I honestly don’t know at this point what there is to be confused about. Sure, you thought one thing, but she cleared it up. I think what you’re feeling more than anything is rejected. It’s not an easy feeling to have to experience, but maybe calling it what it actually is can take some of the turmoil out of it. You got rejected, so you feel rejected. It actually makes perfect sense. BONECOLD Did you two meet in Al-Anon or ACOA? I was in the former decades ago. I remember “instant” emotional intimacy happening sometimes, and it didn’t always last nor (if it was a single guy) indicate we were on the road to anything more. I don’t think she intended to hurt or deceive you. JIVEDIVA Regarding the trip: Maybe she was piqued by the destination. For example, maybe the LW said, “I’m going to take a trip to the Great Barrier Reef” which sounds amazing anytime, but especially when you’re in grad school and have no money. So she said, “I’d love to take that trip with you.” ALLUSERNAMESARETAKEN ^Maybe, but just the phrasing “I’d love to take a trip with you” is putting the emphasis on the person more than the destination. JIM501 It’s easier to misinterpret what someone says over text since you don’t get the tone of the comment. Without seeing more of the conversation, it’s hard to know if she was being flirty, but you have to let it go now that you have clarity. One time a man from a Meetup group invited me to visit his house near the Cape for a weekend party. I knew there would be other people there but I thought it might be a sign he liked me. He never mentioned that another woman in the group was his girlfriend! I think he liked the female attention though. By spending more time with him, I realized I wouldn’t have liked to date him, so it worked out. LEGALLYLIZ2017
