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Q. A friend supported me through my divorce, and I developed a strong crush on her. I dated her years ago, for two months after her divorce, and am close friends with her family. Both of our exes had substance abuse issues. Her support was convoluted with comments I felt were flirtatious. “Your compliment made me practically levitate,” “You sure know how to make a girl smile [winking emoji],” “I feel so seen,” “I’m saying things I know I shouldn’t.” When my divorce was final she asked if I was going to celebrate. I said was planning a trip and she said “I’d love to take a trip with you.” My brain was messed up when she started communicating like this. We would meet for coffee every few weeks for support, but these comments were by text. No, I didn’t know what I was doing. I figured that out when she declined the trip and then became more distant while also finishing her grad school program. She was busy, but I know what a shift means too. We finally met up for dinner. I told her I needed some clarity on our friendship, that I realized I had developed a crush, and it affected some of my behaviors. I said I knew I needed to heal and I felt our friendship was confusing at times. She said “We did spend a lot of time together.” I said, “It wasn’t about that. I felt we were very flirtatious with each other.” She said, “I, um, uh, I don’t think I ever flirted with you. That’s just my personality. You need to focus on you right now, not a relationship.” I didn’t push it further. I agreed with the last part, I just wanted clarity. But I feel more confused, not less. I don’t understand. I feel blamed for her behavior. The energy spent on this confusing dynamic hasn’t been helpful for me. I am ashamed I allowed that kind of language and realize I got attached because of it, yet she denied it. I don’t understand words like that platonically. I don’t feel rejected. I feel full of self doubt that I misread it. I was expecting an “I understand and I will be more careful,” not to be told I misread her personality. It’s disorienting. I feel she led me on and at the same time feel like something is wrong with me for misreading her, like I’m inept. I accepted language like that because I was desperate for support. I see it differently now. I wish I had never relied on her. I need to distance myself from her, at least temporarily. How do I feel less confused? – Confused A. Sometimes people read each other wrong. It happens, even with good intentions. Please know: if I received a bunch of winking emojis from a pal, and they told me they wanted to travel with me, I might think they wanted to be more than friends. You’re not wrong for jumping to a conclusion – and you did the exact right thing by asking, “Wait, what has been going on here?” Please don’t assume it will go this way with other possible love interests. Every back-and-forth is its own story. Every question has a nuanced answer. You have good reason to trust yourself. This wasn’t about you “accepting” language. It was about hearing her – then asking for clarity. I understand you’re angry, but try to let it go. Forgive. You don’t have to maintain the friendship, but be grateful that this woman was a cheerleader at an important time. She was part of a moment and helped you consider what you might want in a new connection. She was not your endgame, but a first step. It was a misunderstanding, and one you can let go. There will be better connections down the road, and it sounds like you can try some. For the record, it’s possible to focus on yourself and date others at the same time. – Meredith Readers? How do you feel about the friend’s response to the questions? What’s to be learned from mixed signals and misunderstandings? Is there a lesson in all of this? Ask questions about dates, no dates, love, divorce, friendship, breakups, getting back out there, in-law drama, or whatever, through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
