By Tara Ward

Copyright thespinoff

Tara Ward goes head over heels for Scotty Morrison’s spectacular news farewells.

It started with a gesture so small, you could almost miss it. Usually, Te Karere’s weekday bulletin ended like any other news bulletin. Newsreader Scotty Morrison concluded the half-hour update with a hearty “turou parea, turou Hawaiki”, the camera panned out for its final shot, and Morrison sat quietly at the news desk, looking thoughtful and solemn. It was the news as we’ve always known it: traditional, serious, and, well, a bit boring.

But earlier this year, things began to change. Sometimes at the end of each reo Māori news and current affairs bulletin, Morrison would make an unusual gesture, like some ridiculously fast touch-typing on his keyboard before the credits rolled. Then, his moves became more obvious: grooving in his swivel chair, busting out a smooth worm-like arm wave, or pointing his fingers in time with that day’s outro music.

Over the last two months, I have dedicated my life to watching Te Karere and its unpredictable endings, and discovered that Scotty Morrison has embraced the conclusion of the news like no other broadcaster in the history of broadcasting. He has become bolder and braver in his goodbyes. He has taken risks and embraced the impossible, and he has almost certainly broken several of TVNZ’s health and safety rules. What a joy. Just when you think the news is over, Scotty Morrison gets out of his seat, and the magic begins.

In a world where the spontaneity of live TV is disappearing faster than a newsreader commando crawling out of a studio, Morrison’s magnificent farewells must be protected at all costs. These delicious goodbyes may only last a few precious seconds, but they are the gift that keeps on giving. In news just in, here are the greatest hits of Scotty Morrison’s Te Karere sign-offs… so far.

10. Dancing like everyone is watching

In August, Morrison was just a man, reading the news in front of the nation, dancing until the studio lights went out. This bulletin was the news equivalent of the mullet: business at the front, party at the back. Bravo.

9. Puku pat

Back in April, Morrison packed a lot into one fast farewell: some rapid-fire keyboard typing, a steely stare directly down the camera and a few jovial pats of his puku chucked in for good measure. A classic of the genre. One day they’ll teach this in broadcasting school.

8. Nothing but net

August 13 was a lucky day for us all, after Morrison closed out the bulletin by lobbing an invisible ball through an imaginary net. Short, simple, effective. As they say in the news business: boomtime.

7. Sweeping up the competition

Sorry to Dancing With The Stars NZ, but it turns out Dancing With The Stuff Hidden Under the Desk NZ is heaps better. Twinkletoes Morrison delivered an absolute clean sweep on September 18, pulling out a broom (!) from under the news desk (!!) and taking it for a spin (!!!) across the floor (!!!!). 10s all round.

6. Table tennis

What’s the time, Scotty Morrison? Why, it’s ping pong o’clock. On August 7, Morrison closed with a rapid-fire game of imaginary table tennis on the news desk. There was forehand, there was backhand, it was all hands, and somehow, no hands at all. After Morrison won the fierce contest against himself, he turned off the computer like nothing had happened and walked out of the studio like a robot. All in a day’s work.

5. A spot of spring cleaning

Absolute scenes on September 11, when Morrison pulled out a spray bottle and yellow cloth and unleashed some spring cleaning on the news desk. I hope Simon Dallow appreciated that beautiful streak-free surface when he sat down to deliver 1News that night.

4. The crawl

On August 27, Morrison lulled us into a false sense of security by standing up as if nothing was about to happen – before he suddenly dropped onto all fours and proceeded to crawl through the unforgiving landscape of the inner-city TV studio. He moved like a gazelle wearing a suit and tie. I like to imagine Sir David Attenborough narrating this one.

3. Bowling a strike

In the words of the classic Earth, Wind & Fire hit 1970s pop song: “Do you remember/the 12th night of September/when Scotty Morrison pretended to go ten pin bowling/on the Friday afternoon newwwwwwws”.

2. Commando roll

You say commando, I say commanDON’T stop watching this smooth, smooth Scotty Morrison dive roll from August 21. I’ve watched this exercise in style and grace approximately 3,591 times, and I still can’t believe my eyes. Gold medal, double thumbs, straight to the New Zealand Sports Hall of Fame.

1. The cartwheel

Could there be a more impressive exit from a live news bulletin? Survey says: no. On the blessed day of July 22, Morrison stood up from the news desk, unbuttoned his jacket and before Jim Hickey could say “comeburger”, catapulted himself into a magnificent cartwheel. The human wheel of fortune spun smoothly across the studio, before giving a satisfied sigh and disappearing into the night, presumably to save Metropolis from numerous evil forces. What next – a moonwalk? A back-flip? Simon Dallow popping by for a Dirty Dancing lift???

Scotty Morrison, we thank you for your service to the nation.

Te Karere streams on TVNZ+ and screens on TVNZ1 weekdays at 4pm.