Copyright Arkansas Online
There is one thing I lack more than anything that tends to cause me problems: patience. I’ve learned through the years, like many other women before me, to fake it. When I can’t do that any longer, I tend to remove myself from the situation, either physically (so that I don’t open up a can of whoop-ass) or mentally. With cats I have patience, especially if they’re very young or are ill. They can’t help it. Besides, kitten zoomies are hilarious, and an ill cat eating all they’re supposed to eat, or just interacting with others, warms the heart. With people … I have a lot less patience. Allowances can be made for what humans have no control over, such as ethnicity, sexual preference, or disabilities. But for people who choose to be horrible? Not gonna happen. I can’t think of a family (including mine) that doesn’t have some folks you’d rather not be around, but you do it anyway for holidays because they’re family. Sometimes that’s fine, but sometimes it’s just asking for trouble that might lead to law enforcement being involved. How’s that for a holiday greeting card? Family mug shots! With Thanksgiving coming up, a lot of us are deciding what to do for the holiday: be with the family you were born into, be with the family you chose, or just go it alone. Because Thanksgiving falls in the middle of the week, I’ve rarely been able to go home for it since I’m usually working. Most of the time I end up eating alone or with friends here; this year I’m house/cat-sitting till Thanksgiving, so I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do. Since my brother Mitch died, though, I feel even less pull to go home for any holiday. I’m not alone in this. The pandemic helped a lot in assuaging the guilt some felt about skipping holidays with family. The New York Times in 2021 interviewed Lexi Ivarsson, a Boise, Idaho, content creator, who decided to stay where she was and celebrate the holidays with her immediate family and her best friend’s family rather than drive 10 hours with their four kids to her parents’ house. “Our thoughts on religion and politics and the way we should treat each other and ethics is completely different,” Ivarsson told The Times. “Sitting down at a table together is hard because of that.” Their Thanksgiving experiment at home was a success. “We had such a good time, and there was zero drama to it and zero obligation. I think the pandemic shifted something that made us realize if we don’t want to spend time with family, we don’t have to.” Our own mental health is important, and I’m glad that more people are becoming aware of that. Holidays don’t have to be a minefield of trauma. I’m not talking about simple political disagreement (though it’s harder and harder to separate politics from people nowadays); the legacy of physical and emotional abuse, for example, lingers long after, and sitting at a table with your abuser while being expected to make nice is a bridge too far for some. Besides, it’s not like most people don’t have a phone; a call on holidays with family is fine if that’s what you can handle. I’m sure that right about now there are mutters of “safe spaces for liberal whiners.” Really? Prioritizing mental health has been a long time coming, regardless of political affiliation, or non-affiliation in my case (do I really have to explain why I don’t belong to any party?). If spending holidays away from family by blood deprives people spoiling for a fight (because that’s what makes them happy) from getting their wish, that’s OK. Holidays in many cases are meant for reflection on our values, not for knock-down drag-outs that only part of the family enjoys. Who says we have to take part? While I miss cousins, nieces, a nephew and an aunt and uncle back home, I don’t feel the need to be there physically for holidays, which have been irrevocably changed through multiple deaths over the years. I don’t think we’ve all gotten together for a holiday at least since Mama’s death in 2019, and then the pandemic, but it hasn’t stopped us from calling and texting. That’s enough sometimes. And it’s a lot less stress on my still-healing body to not have to make such a long drive. My patience has been sorely tested over the years by some family members and others. With family, it’s a little easier to feign patience simply because of the shared history. But then there are the others. Trolls. Unmitigated jerks. People who think they’re the only ones in existence. Those who look down their noses at anyone who isn’t part of their tribe. Those who delight in causing misery for other people. My patience with them is exhausted. In most cases I simply won’t respond, because their abuse deserves no response as long as it’s just aimed toward me. But target my friends, my family (particularly my nieces) or anyone who had no choice in their fate and treatment, and you’ll find a fiery defense of them. My patience is a work in progress, just like me. I just wish people would stop testing it so much. Assistant Editor Brenda Looper is editor of the Voices page. Email her at blooper@adgnewsroom.com. Read her blog at blooper0223.com.
