Copyright scmp
The online world has opened a floodgate of sexual content for young people, often leaving their parents seeking relevant ways to talk about consent, boundaries and healthy relationships. For many, the first sign of trouble happens in their children’s bedrooms: walking in on them watching pornography, overhearing crude conversations with friends or noticing a sudden change in their attitude and behaviour. Relationship counsellor and certified clinical sexologist Dr Martha Tara Lee, based in Singapore, says more parents are seeking help over this issue. Youths are exposed to sexual material online, and often without context or accuracy, she notes. Early exposure to pornography may be a reason for a shift in some youngsters’ values and their hostility towards women. “The manosphere, it’s an online world shaping how this next generation sees women,” she says, referring to channels on social media – like that of online personality Andrew Tate, dubbed “the king of toxic masculinity” – that promote misogyny, and men’s rights forums that claim men are oppressed and that spread hateful rhetoric. This has contributed to violent extremism and even some communities that appear to condone or encourage rape. The recent Netflix show Adolescence shone a light on the culture of toxic masculinity and “incel” – involuntary celibacy – among teenagers. Adherents blame women for excluding them from sex. The series also showed how children, searching innocently online, can be led down dark rabbit holes by their social media algorithms. With children and teens being exposed to online sexual content at a younger age on mobile devices, and parents less able to police the content they watch, what is the best course of action? “This is where so many parents feel lost right now,” says Lee, who founded her educational and counselling platform, Eros Coaching, in 2009, to address a lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality. “It’s not that they don’t care. They just don’t know how to prepare their kids, how to set up filters properly, how to even start that conversation or how to build the kind of relationship where their child will actually come to them when they see something disturbing,” she says. “When exposure happens – and let’s be real, it probably will at some point – don’t lead with fear or shame,” Lee says. “Use it as a teaching moment. Talk about what’s real and what’s fantasy in online content. Focus on respect, consent and emotional connection rather than just trying to ban everything.” The best way to give children a healthy attitude towards sex is to talk about it early on, without taboos. “Sexuality education starts from birth, not at puberty,” Lee says, acknowledging that it might surprise a lot of parents. “We’re not talking about sexual acts, though, we’re talking about consent, boundaries, body awareness and teaching children that their body is their own. “When you teach a young child that they can say no, that they can identify what feels safe or uncomfortable, that they need to respect when someone else says no too, you’re not being inappropriate. You’re giving them tools they’ll use their whole life. These early lessons become the foundation for healthy relationships later on.” She adds that it does not need to be a big formal talk, and that the best conversations happen naturally during daily life, while you are walking somewhere or after watching something together on television. “Answer questions honestly, but keep it simple. Then come back to the topic as they grow and can understand more.” Mindful of the need for advice and support, Lee runs sexuality education workshops for parents. She has organised a two-day summit for November 8 and 9, Uncovering Eros: An Adult Sex Ed Weekend, with a dozen panellists. Sharon Teo Li Mian, a sexual health and wellness educator and counsellor, will lead a session titled “From ABC to Consent: Parenting in a Sexually Evolving World”. It aims to give parents practical tools to handle situations around sex with more confidence and less panic. The weekend summit will also address topics including sexual dysfunction, faith and sexuality, ageing and intimacy, and LGBTQ inclusion. Lee has found that stand-up comedy can be a good way to broach the topic of sexuality. She performs for fun, always around positive sexuality themes. “It’s one of my favourite ways to get people talking about topics they’d normally find too awkward or uncomfortable.” She is a co-organiser of the Sex Positive Comedy Show in Singapore. Its 15th run takes place after the first day of the summit, on Saturday evening. “There’s something powerful about using laughter to break down these walls people put up around sexuality,” she says. “When people are laughing, their defences come down and suddenly we can talk about things that matter.” Uncovering Eros: An Adult Sex Ed Weekend will run on November 8 and 9 at Monk’s Brew Club at 57 East Coast Road in Singapore. For details, see ErosCoaching.com. Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, X and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.
