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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, My wife and I are having a dispute about something I think is stupid. She wants to take our family to volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving instead of going over to my parents’ for a family gathering like we usually do. I don’t want to spend the holiday among a bunch of indigents and risk exposing myself, her, and our kids to any number of diseases. I think making a sizable donation to our local food pantry, if she wants to teach them about charity, would be sufficient. Any thoughts? —There Are Many Ways to Give Dear There Are Many Ways to Give, This took a turn! I thought you were going to say you didn’t want to miss the time with your family. But you’re actually concerned about germs. And you apparently believe special virus strains attach themselves to people who have fallen on hard times. I’ll tell you where I agree with you: You should not, under any circumstances, show up to volunteer anywhere that requires you to interact with people who need help. They will feel your disgust, and they don’t need that. Propose to your wife that you celebrate Thanksgiving the traditional way and volunteer at the soup kitchen the week before to make preparations, sort donations, or stuff bags of food to give away. That’s a reasonable compromise and keeps you a good distance from “indigents.” But if the mean-spiritedness in your comment is something that runs in your family, don’t be surprised if she just suggests that you two go your separate ways for the holiday. Dear Prudence, I am stuck in a mess where I have a 12-year-old girl, “Nancy,” living with my family. Nancy is the daughter of my sister’s boyfriend. Between the mother and him, there is a mess of unemployment, eviction, and upcoming court cases. There is no family support, and everyone is desperate not to get CPS involved. But I think the situation might warrant it. Nancy is nearly 13 and has zero independent skills. She frequently has to be reminded to brush her teeth, actually wash up, and brush her hair. She can’t even manage to put her hair in a ponytail or braid, which my 8-year-old can do. If I try to encourage Nancy to do something like make her own sandwich for lunch, she says she “can’t” and shuts down until I do it for her. It is to the point that I have to watch Nancy like my toddler and clean up after her every day, and take her dirty clothes out of the room. Nancy seems to be doing OK academically, but at home, she can’t function. Talking to her parents gets me screamed at. Her father is in denial about Nancy and says my expectations are too high and I am too hard on her. Her mother accuses me of not doing “enough” because I am not cleaning up after a tween like I do a toddler. My sister is more concerned about not rocking the boat than this little girl. It has been nearly two months with no end in sight. My husband thinks that if we get the authorities involved, the worst that will happen is that we can get some government benefits and hold the parents accountable for this mess. I know it will nuke my relationship with my sister, but I am more worried about Nancy getting lost in the system. She is a sweet girl who has been failed. I don’t want us to be another name on the long list of adults who have failed her, but we need help here. So what next? —Nervous About Nancy Dear Nervous, You didn’t make this totally clear, but it sounds to me like the whole family is living under one roof—Nancy included. (I can’t tell if you’re the landlord figure or if all of you are living with your parents.) So you’re finding it frustrating to try to take the lead on parenting Nancy because that role is a mismatch for your relationship with her. You’re not in charge of her sandwiches and hygiene. I mean that in terms of your actual power (which is none, because you don’t have any kind of custody) and in terms of your relationship with her (you’re just a strange person she moved in with two months ago!). I wish she had a parent who cared about her as much as you do and was able to show that care through attention and guidance. But she doesn’t. Take a deep breath and merge back into your lane: You are Nancy’s parents’ housemate and an adult with a stable presence in her life. That’s something! You’ll feel better and be more helpful to her if you interact with her in a way that lines up with that. If her messes are a problem in your personal space or common spaces, that’s an issue to take up with her parents. And I don’t mean saying “You need to teach Nancy to clean up because she’s way behind for her age.” Instead, say, “We need to make a plan to clear all dirty dishes out of the living room every evening.” Remember, parenting is not your business. The home you live in is. Then move on to your other issue—your sincere concern about Nancy’s well-being. While it’s tempting to nag her about her habits and behavior, that’s a waste of your time. You have no authority and inadequate closeness with her. But do you know what you do have? The ability to be nice to her. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but fast forward to five years from now. Nancy’s story, when she’s in college or working her first adult job, could be, “My childhood was kind of rough. We ended up living with my dad’s girlfriend’s family, and my parents didn’t have a lot of time to pay attention to me. I’d never been taught to do much for myself, and my dad’s girlfriend’s sister was always fussing at me about being messy and immature and asking why I wasn’t more responsible. I even heard her telling my parents she was going to call the authorities because I was such a mess. I started to feel really ashamed and like I was a burden to everyone.” Or it could be, instead, “My childhood was kind of rough. We ended up living with my dad’s girlfriend’s family, and my parents didn’t have a lot of time to pay attention to me. I’d never been taught to do much for myself, but my dad’s girlfriend’s sister was the first person who noticed that I really loved reading/had interesting things to say about the world/had dreams of going to college and helped me start planning for it. She would always ask me to help her around the house because she said I was good company/tell me how smart and strong I was/let me know that she was there to help if I ever had a question I couldn’t ask my parents. She helped me create a small space that was just my own and inspired me to decorate it/keep it clean/invited me to think of things I’d like to eat and help me shop and cook for them/asked to watch my favorite shows with me while we folded laundry.” Pretend her life is a movie and cast yourself as the character who sees the best in her and opens up new possibilities for her life. It will mean so much to her, and it will feel a lot better than harassing her parents about her bad habits. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, My mother is in her early 80s. Several times a week, I drive her around to do her errands. The problem is that she will frequently make sexually inappropriate comments to men, particularly younger ones (think in their 20s and 30s). Most of them either laugh or thank her, but for me, this is beyond embarrassing. Speaking to her about it has gone nowhere—she says at her age she’s “entitled to a little fun.” Neither of my two siblings lives nearby (not that they would lift a finger to help anyway), and arranging for alternate transportation would be difficult. Should I try to make other arrangements all the same, or am I stuck? —Regularly Left Red-Faced Dear Regularly Left Red-Faced, Awkward! But the best you can do is quickly and sincerely address it in the moment with the young man. “I’m so sorry, that was inappropriate. I apologize on my mom’s behalf,” will cover it. This will let anyone who’s not amused know that you don’t find the comments acceptable, and it will also distance you from them (even though you really shouldn’t be embarrassed—anyone who has parents knows well that they often do things that their kids of all ages find absolutely mortifying). Perhaps, most importantly, it will ruin the fun for your mom a little. Classic Prudie I am pregnant and 30. My ex is 36. It was a long-term but causal relationship. My ex and I agreed to be civil and co-parent, but have been stuck on this one issue. We are having a girl, and it is a family tradition on his side to name the baby after the grandmother. The problem is I was planning to give my daughter my last name. The combination of the two is stupidly cutesy.
