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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Recently, my husband, “Matt,” stopped off at my sister “Allie’s” place with our almost 4-year-old son “Dylan” to return a wet/dry vacuum I had borrowed. Allie had to leave the room to change her son’s diaper, and when my husband turned around, he saw Dylan urinating against the living room wall! He told Dylan not to say anything, and when Allie came back, he told her the dog was responsible. I can’t believe this. When I asked Dylan what happened, he said needed to use the bathroom, but couldn’t get his dad and aunt to pay attention to him to take him there. I reamed out my husband and he promised nothing like this will happen again. Do I need to tell my sister the truth, or is ignorance bliss? —Pissed Over Pissing Dear Pissed Over Pissing, I feel kind of bad for the dog (who I will name Stewart)! Here Stewart is minding his own business when some kid shows up and marks their turf (voluminously no less) and then Stewart probably ends up getting reprimanded for it. Alas, Stewart will not understand at this point if you send your husband or Dylan over to apologize. Poor Stewart. If and only if you don’t think your sister will overreact, tell her that your husband freaked out and panicked and blamed the dog, but that he’s sorry. Offer to pay to have it professionally cleaned. Try to laugh it off about him panicking and being an idiot (all true!) and apologize profusely insisting that if you were there you would obviously not support laying the blame on the dog. Also send some dog treats for Stewart. If you think this is going to start a bunch of pot-stirring drama in the family and there’s no chance of her finding out, let sleeping dogs lie. One caveat, though: if there’s a chance that Dylan is ever going to say something like “remember the time I peed on Aunt Allie’s [ wall and Dad blamed the dog?” you might want to head that conversation off at the pass. But with Dylan being only 4years-old, that seems doubtful. As for your husband, no treats. Tell him he set a terrible example for Dylan and needs to grow up. He should have just said, “Holy crap when I turned around Dylan was peeing on your wall—year-olds amirite? Let me help you clean this up.” He could have used the very wet/dry vacuum he was returning to help with the mess. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter and her husband are allowing their 7-year-old son “Bobby” to do something I think is incredibly dangerous: They have a Rottweiler, “Pepper,” whom they let Bobby take for walks in the neighborhood all by himself. Pepper is leashed and he is a big teddy bear, but he weighs twice as much as my grandson. If he were to bolt or get into a fight with another dog there would be no way Bobby could control him. What can I do to convince my daughter and son-in-law that they are courting disaster here? —Nervous Nana Dear Nervous Nana, Sorry to say it, but this sounds like a not-your-problem. Who are we worried about the most here: Pepper or your grandson? For Bobby’s sake, definitely teach him to let go of that leash if Pepper bolts. He could get seriously injured being dragged around by a big dog of any breed—I’m not sure why Pepper being a Rottweiler matters here when it’s really just a problem of mass ratios. If you’re worried about your daughter and son-in-law getting sued into bankruptcy when their giant uncontrolled dog horribly maims someone, just tell them that (and suggest they make sure the dog is covered under their homeowners or renters insurance policy). But if you’re going to tell them that you don’t think their son should walk the dog anymore, be ready for them to ask you to help out. They’re probably letting Bobby walk the dog around because parenting is exhausting and having yet another thing to do is annoying. Having a child walk the dog takes care of two of the needy things in your life at the same time. It sounds kind of amazing. So: Can you walk the dog with Bobby? If not, can you offer to provide some other assistance to his parents while they walk the dog? If not, I’d stay out of it. You will not be met by joy if you come to parents with a problem where the solution is just more work for them. In fact, the only thing it will change is that you’ll get to say “I told you so” when something terrible happens, and that’s also something you should keep to yourself. —Greg More Parenting Advice From Slate Since my daughter was 8 (she’s now 11), she has been invited to five birthday parties that are actually two separate parties. The first part is your typical party where six to 15 kids are invited to some venue (bowling alley, activity center, the birthday girl’s home) in the afternoon, e.g., from 3 to 6 p.m. Then the second part is when only a few or half the girls go to a sleepover at the birthday girl’s house. My daughter has been on the main guest list for this type of party four times but has only been on the VIP sleepover guest list once. Each time this happens, it causes all sorts of hurt feelings for her.
