Copyright Slate
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 12-year-old son, “Zach.” Zach gets excellent grades, so I was stunned when one of his science assignments came back as a zero. I asked him what on earth happened, and he told me that it was a group assignment; the four of them were supposed to research, compile, and jointly present a report on different sources of energy production. In his own words, he was paired with “three slackers,” who expected him to do it all and just ride off his work. One of them has apparently been held back a previous year. So he made a decision that really troubles me. He was sure that his grades will be good enough even if he bombed this assignment, so he just didn’t do it! He actually was quite gleeful, expecting his three compatriots to fail the class, since he doesn’t think they can absorb a significant loss the way he can. I don’t even know how to deal with this. I’ve grounded him, but I can’t get through to him that taking joy in other students’ failing and harming his own grades to do so is super-troubling behavior. I want to force him to attend therapy, but I’ve heard it doesn’t work if the child isn’t interested in changing, and Zach doesn’t seem like he is. What can I do? —Spiteful Son Dear Spiteful Son, I don’t think you should be worried about this behavior being a sign of some capacity towards harm, mischief, or anything else terribly worrisome. Your son saw that these kids were planning to take advantage of his hard work and found a way to protect himself. I understand why the idea of him relishing their poor grades is concerning, but I think it’s more of an age-appropriate response to feeling put upon than it is a sign that he’ll grow up to be heartless in the face of other people’s struggles. Help him to understand the flaw in his actions; for starters, let him know that, barring the inability to do so or some great moral conflict, you expect him to do the work that is assigned to him. When he realized that his classmates weren’t going to do their part, he should have told the teacher; if they were unwilling to intervene, you could have scheduled a meeting with them and advanced your concerns to school leadership if need be. Explain that a teacher may find the refusal to do an assignment to be disrespectful or lazy and that it is important for his instructors to have a favorable opinion of him, for it can make all the difference in the world when it’s time to assign grades. At the very least, he could have done what felt like a reasonable share of the assignment and let the other kids be graded accordingly. Speaking of his classmates, encourage him to be empathetic to these so-called “slackers,” and point out some of the reasons why a kid may behave as they have: anxiety, depression, a difficult home life, undiagnosed learning challenges, etc. Talk about how embarrassing it may be for the kid who had to repeat a great, and how sometimes, people can get stuck in patterns of bad behavior if they don’t have the support they need. I would also let him know that if he pulls a stunt like this again, he will face consequences at home. He needs to know that no matter what his peers are doing, he has a responsibility to show up as the engaged, responsible student that he generally is. —Jamilah Classic Prudie My husband was recently laid off from his job and is trying to start his own company from home. I work from home half the week, so we now see each other much more frequently. The close quarters have not been good for us. Little things that never bothered him before now cause him to nag (I don’t empty the dishwasher right away, or the laundry may pile up), which leads to blowout fights. Worst of all, he has become increasingly verbally abusive when we fight, insulting my intelligence, punching walls, and throwing things (although not at me). I’m starting to feel like a martyr because I have to apologize for every little transgression.
