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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 6-foot-tall teen and an almost-teen who isn’t far behind. I also have younger kids. Our house is a good size, but the bedrooms are tiny, and since I have so many kids, most of them need to share, which means they all have twin-sized beds. My mom acts like this is practically neglect and never misses an opportunity to tell me that my big kids “need” bigger beds. It’s literally just not an option if we want to fit anything else (dressers, desks) in their rooms. For what it’s worth, my kids do not complain. Sure, it would be nice if they could have bigger beds, but this is not a big deal, right? —Bed Strife Dear Bed, I could see your kids outgrowing their beds if they get way taller than six feet. For now, though, I agree with you that it’s not a big deal. I am not tall, but my spouse is, and he, like most everyone else we know, grew up sleeping in a twin-sized bed. That said: You could consider getting your teen an extra-long twin bed, which is the same width but several inches longer than a standard twin. It wouldn’t take up that much more space, and he might be a bit more comfortable. Dear Care and Feeding, In my will, I say that custody of my now-4-year-old will go to my older sibling and their spouse in the event of me and my partner’s premature death. My partner and I agreed on this decision, as did my sibling and their spouse, who wanted children but found that it was not in the cards for them. They have stable jobs, own their home, and are, of course, family. They would make good parents. But recently, as my child has gotten older and more aware, I’ve been thinking more about whether I’d want a close friend to raise her instead. My friend has a professional job but only works part-time, and rents a home with roommates. She also wants children and would make a great parent, but doesn’t know if it’s going to happen for her. My friend, as opposed to my sibling, has the same politics as me (we are what you might call the “radical left,” while my sibling is a liberal). I can’t decide which factor is most important—should my child go to the most “stable” people, or to the person who would raise her most like I would? My partner is on board with either option. My friend would make sure my family stayed involved. Her life is more chaotic and unplanned, though nurturing and politically aligned with me. But my sibling and their spouse are the definition of stability, and they are family. What should I do? —I Want My Beliefs Passed On Dear I Want My Beliefs Passed On, It’s so hard to imagine anyone but you raising your child, even when you are fortunate enough to have not one but several family members and friends willing to step in. It sounds like you believe that both your sibling and your friend would love and take good care of your child, which is obviously the most important thing. I assume that both your and your partner’s assets, including any life insurance payments, would go to your child—with their legal guardian able to access those funds, if needed, in order to take care of them—so of course, the person you choose also has to be responsible and trustworthy enough to be able to manage that until your child reaches adulthood, and stable enough that parenting your child isn’t an excessive burden to them. It’s also worth considering which guardian choice might be the easiest or least disruptive to your child; again, assuming both would do a good job taking care of them. Who do they know better? Who do you think they’d be most comfortable with? I hear what you’re saying about really wanting your child to be raised by someone who shares your values and would try to pass those along to your child. That’s not a small thing. Of course, your child will eventually make their own decisions about what they believe and what’s important to them. I don’t feel I need to make the case that your sibling and their spouse would be good guardians, because they are already on deck, you felt sure enough about them to choose them in the first place, and they will remain unless you make a change now or in the future. I’m not going to try to make a case for your friend, either, but I do want to point out that renting as opposed to owning a home, being on her own instead or partnered, and working part-time instead of full-time doesn’t automatically equal instability or irresponsibility. If your friend lives as she does because it currently suits her and meets her needs, that is a form of stability, even if it looks different from your sibling’s. One big question I have is what you meant when you said that your friend’s life is “more chaotic and unplanned” than your sibling’s. That could mean a lot of different things, from “she likes to do spontaneous things” or “she sometimes seems a bit scattered” to “her life is a total mess.” Without knowing your friend’s situation, it’s really hard for me to say whether “chaotic” is a dealbreaker. But certainly, if you have real reasons for doubting that she could handle being a guardian to your child, that seems like a very clear answer to me. If you do think she’d be a great guardian and you’re really feeling pulled in that direction, talk with her and find out whether she’s open to it. If she is, take the opportunity to ask any questions you feel you need to in order to determine whether that would be a good situation for her and your child, and answer any questions she has for you and your partner. You can keep thinking about this, too; you don’t need to make a change yet (or ever) if you aren’t sure. As your child grows and develops and spends more time with both your family members and your friend, you might also have different thoughts about which guardian would be best for them. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate What is the current policy on allowing young children to urinate in public parks? I used to pee in urban parks all the time as a child, but it seems to have gone out of fashion. Plus, this park is overrun by dogs every day, all of whom urinate wherever they see fit. What’s the difference?
