Copyright Slate
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My son is 8 years old and has a friend on his gymnastics team who is almost 12. They see each other three days a week, and this kid is pushing into our lives in a million ways. I’m not crazy about the age difference, but from what I gather, he’s a rather young 12, with no friends at school. This boy was eager to befriend my son and he seems nice enough—but now that we’ve seen him a few times, he’s making me nuts. I get annoyed because the boy is always asking to come over. Usually the answer is no, because, thankfully, we’re pretty busy. I’ve conceded and taken them on two or three play dates, and I’m learning how pushy he is. He says, “I want to go to your house after” or “Can I sleep over tonight?” He often texts my phone (my 8-year-old does not have one) to ask for play dates, and it’s making me nuts. He’s incredibly bold—even switching my radio station in the car to his preferred Christian rock without asking. His family has so many children (some foster) that I wonder if his parents are not aware of his ballsy behavior. Yet, I wonder if he gets this behavior from his mother, who was supposed to accompany us on these play dates and then canceled last minute because she was too busy. The kid texted me saying, “My mom can’t go but I can go if you come get me,” and, being a pushover, I did. And got stuck paying for this kid’s admission and food. There are so many other annoying pieces to this friendship that I could go on forever. How do I keep this kid at an arm’s length when I know we will continue to see him so frequently? —Enough! Dear Enough! It’s highly likely that this friendship will drift apart as the age difference becomes more pronounced with the onset of his friend’s puberty, so I wouldn’t worry that this will be your life until he goes away to college. Don’t be a pushover. Enforce the universally understood rule that the driver gets to pick the music. Say you’re busy. You do not have to respond to text messages from anyone. Decide how many times a month you can handle hanging out with this kid, then hold the line. It’s never bad to teach children about appropriate boundaries, especially when they are under your supervision. If he oversteps, step him back. He may have issues with social cues; that’s not really important here. Demonstrating and upholding your own good parenting is still the answer. If he asks for a play date, tell him to have his mother call you and you’ll find a good time. If the mom bails on coming, tell her upfront, “I’ll send you a Venmo request for what we spend on Jimmy.” He doesn’t sound like a bad kid, just a kid who’s pushy and needs a lot of attention in a very busy family. That doesn’t mean he has to take all of your attention, but it does mean it would be kind to do the best you can to support their friendship until it comes to its natural conclusion—but on your own terms. Also, check in with your son periodically to make sure he’s still having a good time with Jimmy. If Jimmy is wearing you out, he may be wearing out your son as well. Best of luck! —Nicole Cliffe From: Should We Get Our 8-Year-Old a Cellphone? (June 10th, 2019). Dear Care and Feeding, I have an almost 5-year-old son, who I suspect is a pretty normal kid. He has his good moments and his bad moments, but the good mostly outweighs the bad, and his bad is never that bad. Except this morning we took him to the dentist. He’s been going every six months since he was 2, so this isn’t completely new to him. All they do is brush and floss and look at his teeth. But this time my husband compared him to a feral cat: high-pitched screeching, running away, having to be physically restrained, all-around freakout. This is abnormal behavior for him, though I have seen muted versions before, specifically when he gets his hair cut and at the doctor’s office. Last time he was at the doctor’s it was for a flu shot and I had to use my whole body to hold him still while he panicked. He’s gotten his hair cut a zillion times and every time there is a fair amount of panicking at the beginning. He’ll sit for a minute or two and then declare he’s done. In the moment we go through a variety of techniques—soothing, bribing, ignoring—but nothing works and at some point we just have to physically force him. Within 10 minutes afterward he’s back to normal, though my husband and I are scarred! I never really worried that something might be wrong until this dentist appointment and he was just berserk. Any thoughts? —Where the Wild Things Are Dear Where the Wild Things Are, In an otherwise developmentally normal 5-year-old, this is probably an occasional behavioral issue, which I would usually suggest handling by “practicing” at home (have him “check” your teeth with toothbrush and a baby spoon, do the same to him), let him watch you trim some split ends, give a toy some “shots” with a fake medical kit, etc. This, however, is the first time he’s been like this at the dentist, and he goes very frequently, so I would try to ascertain if some actual mouth pain got missed in the feral incident. Talk to your pediatrician and dentist about what they recommend in terms of preparing for an appointment after the last one has gone badly. (If he were a dog, I would suggest you stop by the vet’s with him for a freeze-dried liver treat and then hang out for a few minutes before going back to the car. It works great!) There could be a sensory issue at play or some anxiety problems, which you would want to talk to your pediatrician about anyway. But these are scary moments, and they’re hard to watch as parents! (Some kids know this and act up on purpose, but I am not suggesting this is the case for your kid.) Five is also old enough to talk a bit about what happened, so find a quiet moment and ask him— calmly, no hint of being “in trouble”—about why he found it hard to go to the dentist this time. Talk to him about going back. Just probe the issue a bit. Let me know what he says. —N.C. From: Please, Please, Please Let Me Throw Away My Daughter’s Filthy Toy Monkey. (February 25th, 2019). Classic Prudie After meeting my now sister-in-law, my brother washed his hands of our family and his former friends. We used to be quite close and to the extent of my knowledge there wasn’t a specific incident that led to his current behavior other than meeting his wife and adopting her lifestyle and family. While I acknowledge that his life is his choice, I’m struggling to deal with the impact his abandonment has had on my parents. For example, when my brother married he only invited a handful of his relatives and friends (we didn’t even take up a whole table at the reception) to a 300-person ceremony and my immediate family appeared in exactly two of thousands of photos. My mother cried for weeks afterward and family friends constantly talk about staging an intervention.
