Copyright The Mercury News
DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time I see a certain friend of mine, she finds something to criticize about me. Often, she exclaims how big my shoes look. Well, I am tall and have big feet, but I don’t appreciate having that pointed out all the time. I never criticize how she looks. I fear she is anorexic. Every time I see her, I worry that she is killing herself, yet I bite my tongue. She is so frail. Why is it that she feels she has license to poke at me? How can I get her to stop? — No More Jabs DEAR NO MORE JABS: Have you ever asked her to stop? She may not know that her comments upset you. Next time she says something that you don’t like, stop her in the moment. Tell her it hurts your feelings when she points out your vulnerabilities. You can add that you never do that to her, but don’t elaborate by speaking of your suspicions. Mentioning someone’s big feet is not the same as criticizing someone’s eating disorder. Separately, if you are concerned about her health, bring up the subject of her weight, and ask her if she thinks she might need help. Tell her you love her and want the best for her and that you are worried that she needs support she may not be getting right now. DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a very one-sided friendship. My friend has been out of work for an extended period and is suffering as a result. I have gone out of my way to help by setting up a job search online and monitoring it (he has no computer), by occasionally giving him cash when he needs to buy food and by being as supportive as I can. The other day I wanted to talk to him about some things that are going on with me, and when I asked him to get together to talk, he said he was busy. I got mad and spouted off that it’s not fair that I’m there for him all the time, but he can’t be there for me when I need him. I said all this in a text, and he blew up, accusing me of saying he is taking advantage of me. That is not what I said. I did say that I show up ASAP when he needs me, while he doesn’t seem to have time when I need him. We aren’t speaking now. I can’t figure out how I am the bad guy. I am the one who has had his back for months now. What can I do to repair this friendship? I know he’s suffering and in a vulnerable place, but I deserve attention, too. — Misunderstanding DEAR MISUNDERSTANDING: Sometimes when people are in extreme situations like prolonged unemployment and financial distress, they don’t have the capacity to be there for others. Their view of the world can get distorted based on their dire situation. Your friend may be in the position of not being able to be there for you. His retaliatory reaction may be self-preservation. That doesn’t mean it’s OK; it means you will not likely be able to get your emotional needs fulfilled by him right now. Stop trying. Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
