By Jane O’gorman
Copyright dailystar
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further. Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice. From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down. If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published. Check out some of Jane’s top recent advice: ‘Cocky lover’s wife looks like a supermodel – so why is he having grubby sex with me?’ ‘I can’t keep my hands off best mate’s hubby – I’m scared I’ll bonk him on group holiday’ ‘Wild swinging neighbours keep offering to give my girl a good servicing’ My boyfriend has a saucy bucket list as big as his libido. He’s mapped out our lives for the next five, ten, fifteen years. He wants us to have sexy couples’ massages in Thailand and visit the best nudist beaches in Europe. He dreams of us chilling out on a free love commune in America and spending holidays at an adult anything-goes-Caribbean resort. He’s a man with a plan. He gushes about us signing up for Kama Sutra workshops in India and experiencing Tantric sex in Goa. The problem is that his dream isn’t my dream. His plans are expensive. He’s already booked our trip to a naked campsite in Croatia next summer. He insists we need to make sacrifices. No more eating out, no central heating, no new clothes or spending on the flat. My sister is getting married in June and I’d like to put my name down for her hen holiday in Greece, but my guy won’t allow it. He says we can’t afford it, but this is not the way I wish to live my life. I yearn to exist in the moment. If a friend invites me out for a drink, then I want to be able to go. The problem is that I’m not as obsessed with adventurous sex as he is. He’s all about future plans and big experiences. He hates his job and works solely to pay for sensuous holidays. Nothing else matters to him; not seeing friends or having a nice place to live. The longer we stay together the more I realise how different we are. If anything, I’m becoming more of a home bird. I like the idea of creating a cosy nest and putting down roots. I’m sick of living in this very basic rented flat because his future holidays are everything to him. How do I make him understand that I need to be heard because I crave balance? JANE SAYS: Your guy struggles to live in the moment. From what you say, his mind is always months and years into the future. He’s not happy unless he’s planning an elaborate trip to an exciting destination. But there’s a lot to be said for smelling the roses and taking each day as it comes. I get the impression that he’s persuasive. Asking you to cut down on spending and decline your sister’s hen party invitation is pretty controlling. Presumably you’re earning too, so you’re entitled to do what you like with your own money. As for your living conditions, if you long for comfort and warmth then who is he to tell you ‘no’? I’m sure that he loves the idea of posting his fabulous holiday snaps on social media and making out that his life is one long pleasure cruise, but isn’t this all a little shallow and fake? We all enjoy a break but what happened to cutting his coat according to his cloth? You need to get tough and start standing up for yourself. Compile a list of your non-negotiable spends. Make it clear that you refuse to freeze or starve for the sake of his wish list. If there’s enough cash left over for a trip, then so be it, but you must be true to yourself. You must be honest if he’s not the guy for you – and he’s guilty of pushing you into situations that you’re not comfortable with. My ex-partner is the ultimate user. A month ago, he betrayed me with a woman I considered my friend. I came home to find them bouncing naked on my trampoline. I threw him out and discovered they’d been sleeping together for months. He’s now living with her but realises he still needs me for lifts to and from work. We live in a rural area, and he lost his licence back in July. His office is right next to mine in the city and his new lover doesn’t drive. Suddenly he’s calling me small minded for refusing to pick him up and drop him back. How does that work? JANE SAYS: Your cheating ex needs to be told to ‘jog on’. What part of ‘ex’ doesn’t he understand? You can’t allow anyone to take advantage of your good nature. If you don’t feel comfortable driving your ex-partner to and from work, then firmly tell him that he’ll have to make other plans. That’s not you being difficult, that’s you being realistic. Situations change; life moves on, and you have your own agenda and mental well-being to think about. Be firm and wish him well for the future. Of course, no one relishes bad feeling – especially not in a close-knit community – but he’s made his bed. He is not your responsibility. My stepbrother is in trouble. His business is failing and he needs funds. It’s become impossible to be in the same room as him. He’s shameless. He keeps nagging me to cash in savings plans to prop him up. Recently we visited my Mum for a family meal, and he wouldn’t stop badgering my husband for cash. In the end they had a massive row, and we left early. He’s already had £2,000 from me and £3,000 from my hubby with no mention of ever paying us back. What’s to be done? JANE SAYS: My heart goes out to your stepbrother. This must be a very stressful time for him. Of course, he’s doing everything he can think of to dig himself out of this hole, but he can’t become a nuisance, or he won’t have anyone left. We all have our limits – be they financial or emotional -and he must hear that he’s guilty of being inappropriate and embarrassing. Unfortunately, business and family don’t mix. Does your Mum need to be protected from him? Do you need to warn her that she cannot be guilt-tripped into handing over her life savings? As for your money, I doubt if you’ll get a penny back. My girl has already ‘done’ Christmas . The gifts are wrapped, and our chest freezer is full of festive food. She’s incredibly proud of herself but I wish she’d live in the moment. She’s a good person but she manages to strip the fun out of every celebration by being so boringly organised and sensible. I already know what I’m getting and its only October. JANE SAYS: I suspect your girl draws comfort from having everything paid for and ready. If she’s someone who frets about big occasions, then being ahead of the game clearly works for her. Christmas is a long way off, so there’s still time for you to plan some fun and surprises. What can you do to inject some sparkle and make her life easier in the run up to the big day?
