Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I thought “Wendy” and I would be best friends for life. We were roommates in college, shared a crappy apartment after graduation, and I was in her bridal party. When she got pregnant, I thought I was going to be an honorary aunt. I organized her baby shower, helped set up the nursery, and established a meal train after the baby was born. And then Wendy straight-up disappeared from my life—that is, until she needed something. My texts went unreturned, offers to meet up were ignored or canceled at last minute.
When the baby was 13 months old, her husband got a transfer to another city and lo and behold, suddenly Wendy was back in my life. I got boxes, helped with the packing, and supervised the movers while Wendy took care of the baby. I used vacation time to help out here. Wendy claimed she would forever be grateful to me. Then it was radio silence again. Her city is halfway to where my grandparents live so we made plans to meet up. Only Wendy refused to confirm with me, so I decided to drop by and say hi—that’s when things got extremely weird.
We had coffee and Wendy claimed to be just very tired but hugged me good bye and said stay in touch. A week later, she sent me an awful text where she accused me of stomping on her boundaries, not respecting her space, and claimed that I was basically a stalker. She then blocked my number. Hurt doesn’t even cover what I felt. It threw me for a serious loop where I was examining every interaction I had with everyone I knew.
So after all this, imagine my shock four years later when, at a mutual friend’s wedding, Wendy comes up and hugs me! She acted like we just “accidentally” fell out of touch. I figured she was just pretending to save face, but in the next few days, she followed me on social media and invited me to meet up since they have moved back to my area. I haven’t responded.
—Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused,
Wendy is either a mean and unpredictable person or a person who was marinating in postpartum hormones and not behaving like herself for a year and has only blurry memories of that time. To find out which one it is, you’ll have to spend some time with her. Do you miss her enough to investigate? Was she a best friend because you really liked her and were compatible with her (as opposed to because you’ve known her forever)? Did you trust and admire her? Doesn’t it still feel like there’s a hole in your life? If so, it’s definitely worth accepting her invitation to get together.
If things are going well, wait until it feels right, and then say, “So I know it was a few years ago and you had so much going on with the baby and the move, but I’m still kind of trying to understand what you meant when you texted me and said I wasn’t respecting your boundaries and you needed space. I was so confused at the time, and I’ve thought about it a lot, but I’ve always really wanted to know what happened from your point of view.” Maybe she’ll identify something you did and you can talk it out. Or maybe she’ll say “Oh my god, that whole period is a blur, but I know I had a lot of rage and lashed out at so many people. I’m really sorry!” Regardless you’ll, leave the interaction less confused and hopefully with a friendship that feels like it’s back on track.
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I recently got engaged and we will be getting married next June. When my sister “Leanne” found out, she was furious and demanded that we change the date. The reason? Her daughter “Violet” will be graduating from high school in June. Leanne insists that the timing will force relatives to choose between attending my wedding and Violet’s graduation and that it would be “cruel” to deprive my niece of “the support she deserves.”
We had no choice in terms of the date for our wedding. The date we ended up with for June was the only one available for the venue we wanted for that month. And the day of our wedding falls nearly two weeks before Violet’s graduation ceremony! Leanne has since gone whining to our mother who is now giving me shit for supposedly trying to steal the spotlight from my niece. There is no way to change the date, as the venue is a popular one and now is booked for the rest of 2026. I really don’t want to deal with this bullshit for the next nine months.
—My Sister Is an Entitled Bitch
Dear Entitled,
This makes me miss 2020 when we did everything on Zoom. Everyone could have attended both events. And you wouldn’t have had to be around your sister.
I will say, if you have the kind of family in which graduations are a really big deal and people typically travel from long distances to attend them (and no one has unlimited money or time off work), it would have been thoughtful to pick a time a little bit further from graduation season to get married. That’s if you knew all of your relatives would be flying out to see Violet graduate as long as they didn’t have a conflict. And that a wedding within two weeks would create one.
But, if you have the kind of family in which only immediate family and maybe people who live within driving distance attend graduations, you couldn’t have been expected to anticipate this backlash.
Either way, as you said, your wedding date is set and there’s not much you can do to change the way Leanne feels about it. But put it in perspective, though: She’s just whining to your mother, not staging a protest where she beats drums and waves signs outside your home. There’s no indication that she’s antagonizing you over this. She just doesn’t like the situation. Maybe there’s something else informing the way she feels, like a concern that Violet has had a tough time in high school and needs all the support she can get from her family. Or maybe she’s nervous about Violet leaving for college and was hoping to be surrounded by loved ones who would provide a distraction to make the graduation day feel less fraught. Maybe she feels like you’ve been stealing her big moments for your whole lives. Who knows! Consider calling her up to talk about it again, with the goal of understanding better and asking about whether there’s anything other than changing your wedding date you can do to make things easier. It’ll be worth it to extend yourself, if there’s any way to avoid a lasting rupture with her and your niece,
Whether or not you decide to clear the air with her, this situation—someone being displeased with a choice you’ve made—is part of planning a wedding. Too often, a big part. So the conflict is a good reminder to create a plan to “deal with this bullshit,” whether it takes the form of battles over the guest list, whether children will be invited, or an allegation that you stole your second cousin’s first dance song. To start, remind yourself that nobody has ever had a wedding that made every single one of their loved ones happy.
Dear Prudence,
I am newly married and we are trying for a baby. It’s honestly a lot of fun and I’m excited for what is to come, whenever it (hopefully) does happen. Here’s my issue. I never drank much. Honestly, I tend to only drink a drink, maybe two, around holidays, company happy hours, and on occasion at dinner. But now that I am newly married, I’m dealing with an odd issue. Because of my drinking habits, people keep asking me if I am pregnant! I’m not, but eventually I hopefully will be. This is obviously not something I plan on announcing until well into the pregnancy though (especially to co-workers!). So what on earth do I do to shut people down without inviting even more questions?
I’ve said things like “I’m not a big drinker.” I’ve said “I have a headache.” I’ve said “I just am not in the mood,” and gotten an eyebrow raise, eyes right at my stomach, and outright questions if I am pregnant. It’s bewildering to me! Family, I don’t mind, I just laugh and remind them I’ll tell them when I have news. Friends are also pretty easy to shut down. But my co-workers? Gah! I have never been a drinker, yet, now that I’m married it’s like everyone is a mini-FBI agent trying to sniff me out. It’s making me wonder what the heck people do to cover this up! I mean good god, how do I get people to mind their own business?
—I’ll Tell You When I’m Ready
Dear When I’m Ready,
Try something like this: “Nope, not pregnant. But when I am, I’m not going to want to share the news by responding to questions at a bar. Hopefully when the time comes, I’ll have a chance to announce it on my terms without people putting me on the spot!” If they push, your response could intensify a bit. For example:
Colleague: “I’m going to be the first one to know. I’m guessing you’ll be pregnant by Spring.”
You: “OK, time to talk about what’s going on with someone else’s body! How is your digestion these days?”
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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y sister “Simone” lives abroad and has for almost five years. She has been in a relationship with “Jay” for almost three years, but we only met him last fall. Jay is a public figure, and for career reasons, he must be perceived as being single. He is under a tremendous amount of scrutiny, and from what I understand, Simone has signed several NDAs. Jay’s employers only recently allowed her to disclose his identity to us. Simone adores Jay, and Jay seems to love her right back. I get the impression it’s been very difficult to keep him a secret from our parents, other sisters, and me. At the same time, she’s terrified someone from our family will accidentally disclose Jay’s identity and “ruin everything.”