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Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members. Hey Prudence, Re Guilty and Bored: Something that’s very common in professional settings—especially for women—is the need to put on a specific mask at work: the peacekeeper, the problem-solver, the one who keeps her own emotions in check. When the letter writer’s wife comes home and talks about her day, she’s probably not just recounting events; she’s unmasking. Masking is exhausting, and venting is part of how she decompresses. There’s one habit I would suggest implementing at home. I’d suggest shifting your focus when you listen. Instead of tuning into the specifics (which you find boring), listen for the emotions underneath. She probably cares less that you remember the details and more that you’re tuned in to how she feels. Is she frustrated? Annoyed? Amused? After a long day of keeping herself buttoned up, she wants to shake it off and finally relax—mask-free. Matching her emotional energy, even in small ways, can make her feel seen and understood. —Former Chaplain This is wonderful advice that could probably be useful beyond this situation, for the lives of many people who are regularly getting talked to death by loved ones. Of course, I’ll add that it is possible for a woman to come home from work and just really want to discuss the widgets and the supply chain for the widgets. But even if that’s the case, the letter writer could steer the conversation in a more meaningful direction by focusing on the feelings. Hey Prudence, Re Guilty and Bored: I get it. My husband is an attorney in a business field, and although I wanted to encourage him to talk about his work, my mind would start to wander once he got into the technical details. I think he noticed and stopped sharing that part. But even now, years later, he still loops me in on the juicy bits of the human drama! —Mandy P. An interest in human drama can really make even the most boring things in life more enjoyable. I hope the LW is as into it as you and I. Hey Prudence, Re Candy Isn’t a Crime: I work at a busy general dental practice, and you would not believe the number of specialists who try to woo us into sending referrals with cakes, cookies, candy—you name it. Give the little gremlins some candy and a toothbrush, and rest easy knowing you’re following in the proud tradition of the entire dental profession. —Our Office Eats Very Well Offering both is a good plan. I didn’t realize it would align with the practices of actual dentists, but even kids who really love candy are eventually going to need a replacement toothbrush. Hey Prudence, Re Double Trouble: I’m going to guess the root of the problem is that the kids are BORED—and probably the only kids in the family. As families get smaller, there are fewer kids at family events. I’m one of 17 grandkids on my mom’s side, but I’m eight years older than the next oldest cousin. I have two kids who, between them, have a grand total of two cousins. If my sister isn’t around, my kids are the only kids there. My husband is an only child, so on his side, they’re always the only ones. Maybe the LW doesn’t realize how exhausting family events can be for parents of young kids. It used to be that you could throw all the cousins in a room and they’d entertain each other. Now, my kids are bored because the only person they can talk to is the same person they live with and spend every waking minute with. I don’t actually get to enjoy holidays or family gatherings, because I’m usually the one entertaining them. If I were actually enjoying myself, it would mean my kids were running amok. So here’s my holiday PSA: Please interact with the kids in your extended family! Odds are, there are only a couple of them. They’re bored out of their minds and would love some attention from people they don’t see often. Bonus: their parents get a break. —There Are No Kids in Families Anymore Every family should have at least one person in this role. It’s great when there’s someone who would much rather be off somewhere with the kids than hanging out with the adults. In my family, it’s my mom, and it’s a win-win. The children get attention, she gets to talk to her preferred age group, and everyone else gets to have adult conversations without interruptions—or hearing things breaking in the other room. Hey Prudence, I disagree with the response to Child At Heart. I’m sorry the LW didn’t have trick-or-treating experiences as a kid—that is truly such a bummer! But I think this is an experience for children. Adults can still enjoy Halloween in plenty of ways: go to a costume party, join a parade, host a horror movie marathon. But don’t take candy your neighbors bought for kids in cute costumes. (And if you do it anyway, at least follow Prudie’s advice about minimizing how much space you take up.) You can celebrate Christmas without sitting on Santa’s lap; you can celebrate Halloween like a young adult, too. I’m sorry that you missed out, but it’s time to move on. —Ella It is true that there are other options. An adult party where everyone brings candy and guests can do something approximating trick or treating would be a cute idea. Hey Prudence, Re Worried Mother: Your advice is spot on, Prudie. I also want to add that if you reestablish contact with Patrick solely because you want him to provide financial support for Elise, it will likely confirm his worst fears. You don’t say how long you’ve been estranged, but it sounds like it’s been a long time—and during that time, it doesn’t seem like you’ve reached out to reconnect for the sake of your relationship with him alone. I have some experience with this, though not nearly as extreme. I worry that one day I’ll be asked to support my brother, who’s capable of working but doesn’t, and I simply don’t earn enough to support both of us. It’s a painful feeling when your family looks at your finances and starts calculating what you can do for them—or for their kids. Your situation is obviously more complicated, since Elise can’t care for herself, but that still doesn’t make it Patrick’s responsibility. Just because he can afford gifts for Jamie doesn’t mean he’s able—or obligated—to support Elise indefinitely. That’s an enormous ask of anyone, especially someone who’s chosen distance. If you want to rebuild your relationship with Patrick because he’s also your child, then maybe that’s worth pursuing—but Elise can’t be part of that conversation, now or ever. Any attempt to reconnect would need to be entirely for Patrick’s sake, and for yours. Otherwise, it will only reinforce the feeling that Elise’s needs always come first, and that your interest in him is conditional. —Struggling Sister I completely agree with this. And I do think the LW should consider trying to reconnect with Patrick, but after she has at least something approaching a plan for Elise’s care. Classic Prudie I need advice on how to handle a problem that has been occurring throughout my 30-year marriage! Basically, my husband and I have very different sleeping habits. I go to bed, get 8 hours, and get up. My husband goes to bed, gets five-six hours and then catnaps throughout the day. The problem is that when he gets up at 5 or 6 a.m., he likes to return to bed with a cup of coffee, the dog, some reading material … and I can’t sleep through it. He thinks I am the problem because I can’t return to sleep. Today he did it again and then got really mad at me about it. He says he is exiled from his own bed. Who “gets the bed,” the person who is trying to sleep or the person who wishes to lie down for coffee and a book? What is the solution, as there is no extra bedroom?
