Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My in-laws are obscenely cheap and often keep food that has expired well beyond the “best by” date. I wouldn’t care about this, except my kids go over there after school, and I never know how fresh the food they are being served is. Trying to speak to my in-laws about this myself has gone nowhere; my husband is no help either—he says his parents did this when he and his brother were kids, and they were fine. We rely heavily on my in-laws to watch our kids during the school year while we are at work. Short of packing food for the kids to take from home (which I cannot be certain they will eat), what can I do here?
—Expiration Anxiety
Dear Expiration Anxiety,
Experts tend to agree that most food is actually OK for a while past its expiration date. I don’t personally embrace this. I’m one of those people who can’t recover once the thought “Is this still good?” enters my mind, even if there’s nothing to indicate that the food has gone bad. But I know a lot of people look for signs of spoilage rather than adhering strictly to expiration dates, and I assume they don’t get food poisoning all the time. It sounds like your in-laws are in that group.
I’m encouraged that your kids haven’t gotten sick yet and that your husband did, in fact, make it through his childhood without any major incidents. Maybe his parents are serving food that is less than 100 percent fresh, but still in a safe range. In any case, instead of focusing on expiration dates, why don’t you train your children to politely refuse to eat anything that smells off or has an unusual appearance? Getting your in-laws on board with the “My children are allowed to say no thank you if they don’t like something” plan will be more effective than pressuring them to change a decades-old approach to cleaning out (or not cleaning out) the refrigerator.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are not on the same page as our son and his wife about guns in general and their handguns specifically. He definitely knows this, although we don’t talk about it. But they are adults, and don’t have kids. So we say nothing and quietly donate to Everytown for Gun Safety. This summer, our daughter-in-law had a sudden suicidal crisis with a short-term hospital stay. She’s now working with a doctor and a therapist. Based on what medical info they’ve shared, they’re still trying to find the right medicine for her, and things are hard. She’s very private about her health, so we just offered to help with pets, groceries, and that type of thing. We told them we loved them and were so glad she was OK. But we didn’t ask any questions.
I assumed that the medical team would advise them of risks since suicidal people die more often in homes with easy gun access. I believed the two of them would temporarily remove guns from the home. They haven’t, and both casually mentioned taking them to the range to practice just last week. I’d like to have a one-time conversation with our son to encourage them to remove the guns together, until the risk is lower for her. I know I can’t make him do it, and that I need to leave my personal beliefs out of it. I’d still like to give the conversation a try, but where do I start?
—Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
A one-time conversation is the right approach. You have to really, really sugarcoat it, though (as much as one can possibly sugarcoat a talk about guns and suicide). The goal will be to get your point across without making your son feel defensive or like you’re questioning his judgment and telling him what to do.
Try something like this: “Can I talk to you about something that’s been on my mind? I know this is not my business, and I promise not to bring it up again. I’m wondering if you have thought about temporarily moving the guns from the house until Kelsey is totally in the clear with her mental health. My mind keeps going to the worst-case scenario, and maybe this one thing could prevent it? Again, I’m really sorry for being intrusive, and I know all of this is sensitive. Thanks for listening.”
There, that’s it! I don’t think you need to include any stats or data. I’m a little bit hopeful that he’ll take your advice seriously. And be very confident that this delivery will keep your relationship intact, even if he doesn’t make the safe choice.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
Dear Prudence,
My sister and her ex are in the middle of a nasty custody battle. She’s obviously going through a very tough time, but I’ve seen some troubling signs that make me think that it may be for the best if her kids stay with their dad. The family moved in with me after the breakup and her behavior has been erratic ever since.
She yells at the kids, has been hooking up with some very dubious guys, and is both drinking too much and taking recreational drugs when my nephews are with their dad. Both of the boys have told me that their mom scares them at times. Their dad isn’t all that great either, but he is sober and stable. Part of me wants to speak up for my nephews, but my sister would never forgive me if I did so, and I wouldn’t blame her for that. What’s the right thing to do here? I’ve asked her to get help, but she’s currently so sad and full of rage that she’s not really listening to advice.
—Talking to the Whirlwind
Dear Talking to the Whirlwind,
From what I’m reading, we don’t know that the boy’s dad is willing or able to care for them full-time. So your plan may be a fantasy. But there is another sober and stable person in their family—and in fact under the same roof: You!
I think the most powerful thing you can do—much more powerful than talking about your proposed new custody arrangement to your sister or the kids—is to be as kind, consistent, healthy, and non-scary as you possibly can, to give them some of what they’re missing. You can commit to being present when they get home from school and taking them places on the weekends. You can make sure things like homework, permission slips, and doctor’s appointments don’t fall through the cracks when their mom is absent. And you can keep listening to them. The fact that they opened up to you about their mom scaring them is great. They trust you.
If your sister eventually becomes less rage-filled and seems likely to listen, and the option of your nephews’ dad taking custody is really on the table, you should carefully script your position to avoid coming off as judgmental. “Boys this age really need the influence of their dad” would be a good opinion to share, when and if you’re asked.
Classic Prudie
I moved to a new state to be with my now-wife. We are both women and have never really had close friends here. It’s a very tightknit community, and people are very kind, but it hasn’t been that easy to break through. This year, I had a baby and ended up connecting with a group of new moms. I love my wife, but I feel like I was really missing having close friends, and I’ve been so happy to find some. The problem is that I’ve gotten very close with one friend in particular…