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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, I’m 23 and have been dating my boyfriend, “Matt,” who is also 23, for a little more than two years now. We went to college together, but I was somewhat local, and Matt’s family was from across the country. We don’t live together at the moment, but we live near enough that we are still able to have regular dates and sleepovers. Matt has met my family a few times, but I’d never met his parents. Matt and I recently visited—his parents live on the outskirts of a city that is somewhat of a tourist destination, so we went for dinner on the last night of the trip. I know that Matt had a younger sister, “Marie,” who died when she was 17 in a car accident. We started dating a few months after she died. Matt has shown me a few pictures, and I thought she looked superficially like me, but just because we have similar skin tone, eye color, and wear glasses. At his parents’ house, there are family pictures everywhere, and I saw that Marie and I look very, very similar. Not just the physical features (though we have a lot of physical similarities, too. In the photos in their house, I could see more clearly that Marie’s skin tone, hair color, and many of her facial features look a lot like mine), but also the mannerisms. The way she’s acting in those photos reminded me a lot of myself. It’s not that we are identical, and anyone could easily tell us apart, sitting next to each other. But I’m starting to feel really strange about it all, especially since it feels like the photos Matt showed me were deliberately poorly lit ones, and when I tried to bring up some of those similarities casually at dinner, Matt’s dad immediately tried to change the subject. I can’t help but get a pit in my stomach thinking about it all, but Matt hasn’t ever talked about his sister in a strange way. I am confused and could use guidance. —Confused and Concerned Dear Confused and Concerned, When you noticed your resemblance to Matt’s sister, it would have made sense to be curious (did he see it too? Did he notice this consciously, or was the familiarity part of the mix of things that drew him to you?); maybe emotional (his tragic loss might have somehow informed his sense of connection to you, and that’s kind of touching); or neutral. Instead, you feel alarmed and concerned. That’s worrying to me. It sounds like your instincts are telling you something is off, and that you are serving a purpose in Matt’s life that has more to do with his grief than your compatibility as a couple. It must be that other aspects of your relationship make you feel you’re not being seen for who you are as an individual, and that you don’t have access to his inner life. You don’t even have to be able to articulate exactly what is bothering you to know that your uneasiness is meaningful. Having a lot in common when his late sister isn’t a problem for your relationship. But being creeped out by this revelation is. This is valuable information about your relationship—use it to help you decide whether you want to stay in it at all. Dear Prudence, My daughter had an affair that produced my grandson, “Barry.” The truth came out when Barry was 4 because my daughter was fooling around with another man and got caught. The paternity test came back negative, but the law stated that her husband was legally Barry’s dad. He pays child support, but has moved out of state and left Barry’s life altogether. Barry is 9 now and questioning where his dad is and why he doesn’t see him. My daughter has basically painted her ex as a deadbeat who abandoned them both. Now she has gotten back together with the man that I am 90 percent sure is Barry’s biological dad. The man has been in and out of jail for years and has two other kids, and they look nearly identical to Barry. My daughter tells me her romantic life is none of my business, but she dragged Barry into this mess from the beginning. What do I tell my grandson if he asks me the truth? It makes my skin crawl to see this man playing daddy with Barry when he pretty much actually is. I tried to support my daughter, but her life choices are hard to swallow. My ex-husband repeatedly cheated on me, and I couldn’t leave until my daughter was old enough to stay at home by herself. I couldn’t afford it otherwise. What should I do? —Secret Daddy Dear Secret Daddy, Those last two sentences explain a lot. You had to live with infidelity and dishonesty and all the pain they cause, so you want something different for your grandson. But I assure you, the way to help him is not to share information (really, just speculation) against his mother’s wishes. Plus, is this situation really so awful? The person you believe to be his dad is now stepping into that role. You care about your grandson’s feelings and well-being. The best way to ensure you’re in a position to show him love and make his life happier is to avoid being cut off by his mom. The truth about his father may come out one day, and it may be painful. What he will need at that point will be a loving grandmother who has always been there for him, not an ancestry detective who hasn’t seen him for a while because she is at odds with his mother. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, My mother married a vile lech of a man six months ago. He frequently makes lewd comments to women, and let’s just say he is rather handsy. She defends him by claiming he’s just “affectionate.” Thanksgiving is coming up, and several of my relatives have daughters who are in their early to mid-teens. I told them about my stepfather’s behavior, and they have all canceled on my mother (she was going to be hosting this year). Now she’s irate and claims I have slandered her husband and “turned the family against them.” Please tell me I acted correctly to protect my younger family members. —No-Touch Thanksgiving Dear No-Touch, You absolutely acted correctly to protect your younger family members! Classic Prudie My wife is an accomplished author who also holds down a fulltime job in an unrelated field, mostly for the benefits. When we had our first child last year, we agreed that she would pause her writing career—something had to go with a new baby at home. Except, it turns out she didn’t pause it…
