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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, I make four times as much money as my boyfriend. We want to move in together and have agreed to split expenses fifty-fifty. However, all the apartments I like are more expensive, and he says he can’t afford to pay 50 percent of a $4,000 apartment because it would eat up almost his entire paycheck. He’s in a profession that does a lot of social good but doesn’t have possibilities of salary increases. I, on the other hand, work in a job where I can expect to get bonuses, stock options, etc. He has suggested paying a lower proportion of the rent and expenses, taking into account his salary. However, I was always taught the fair rule was to go fifty-fifty. Eventually, I want to have children, and I’m thinking that if we don’t come to an arrangement now, it will affect our family’s finances. How do we solve this problem? —Rent Questions Dear Rent Questions, I personally think what your husband is suggesting is fair. In fact, I think it would be really unfair for him to split expenses fifty-fifty with you when he makes so much less. And it would be a really bad idea to deprive yourself of a home you can easily afford because his income wouldn’t allow him to pay half the rent. But it doesn’t matter what I think! Everyone in the world could agree on the best approach to your future household’s finances, but if you and your husband—the actual people in the household—didn’t feel comfortable with the arrangement, it would still eat away at your relationship and cause all kinds of problems. You two should put aside your concerns about what’s fair and focus on what could lead to a life you enjoy. Stop evaluating potential arrangements by comparing them to what you were taught, or what others think or do. Instead, sincerely explore the question, “Is there an arrangement that would make both of us happy right now? And could we adjust it in the future if our income changes?” It’s worth thinking about whether you’re actually OK with the fact that he likely won’t ever be a high earner. While you’re at it, talk about what the income disparity will mean when you have children. Will you expect him to do more child care or handle weekday doctor’s appointments because he makes less? Does he know this? What if the cost of child care eats up his entire salary? Will he want to become a stay-at-home dad? Will you want him to? If your job requires a move, is your hope that he’ll resign from his position? Money is often so tied up with power and emotions. There’s a lot more to discuss than how monthly expenses are paid—in fact, the thing that’s tripping you up now is probably the easiest part. Dear Prudence, I love my stepmom. She was an amazing parent to life, even coming into my life when I was a teen. But she has, in her words, been unlucky in love. Her first husband came out as gay, her second left for another woman. When she married my dad, he already had a serious cancer diagnosis. They got 10 years together, longer than anyone expected. I still see her at the local business she owns, and when she visits my kids. She’s great, but every visit she says something like, “You never know when a man will leave you” or “Men come and go.” My husband and I have one biological kid and are also raising one of his siblings. I know he’s great with kids and a committed father. When I mentioned trying to have a second biological child, she asked me if it was “really a good idea, in case [husband] leaves.” I was shocked, and my husband was so hurt and angry. He asked me to reassure him that he was a good dad and partner, and that I didn’t have one foot out the door. While you can never be sure, I think my marriage is great! We love to spend time together, we argue productively, and our sex life is still hot. My bluntest friends also believe he’s trustworthy when I explicitly asked. I’m happy in my marriage and have no reason to believe my husband will leave me. I’d be very, very sad about divorce or death, but I can’t act like it’s just around the corner. We have equitable finances, we both have decent careers, and I have wonderful close friends I’d lean on if something did happen. We have wills, and we both have life insurance. I would be heartbroken but survive, and so would our kids. This hurts my feelings, and it really hurts my husband’s as well. How do I get her to lay off this topic? —Not Everyone Sucks! Dear Not Everyone Sucks, She’s not wrong, statistically speaking, that things might go to hell. Many marriages end in divorce. But worrying about that all the time—especially on someone else’s behalf, and especially out loud—is a very weird way to go through life. There’s no way to address this other than a direct conversation. Here’s a script: “Hey stepmom, you know how you would like to encourage me to be prepared in case my relationship ends? I know you are doing that out of care for me, and it probably makes some practical sense, but thinking about it is hard on me emotionally. Could you ease up on the ‘you never know when a man will leave you’ type of comments?” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Dear Prudence, My brother has good relationships with everybody but refuses to be part of Thanksgiving, Christmas, or large group events because he says that while he loves us individually, we’re a nightmare collectively. I get it and, frankly, I would love to do the same—my parents and wider family are lovely but bicker and squabble when they get together, particularly over politics, which gets ever uglier. But I also know that my family finds his attitude deeply hurtful. I’m stuck between wanting to opt out myself or trying to persuade him to change his mind because I can see how sad it makes my mother. My instinct is to stay out of it; we’re all adults. But I also feel a bit jealous and miffed. Is there a way forward? —Stuck in the Middle Dear Stuck in the Middle, You’re jealous because your brother has the peace that comes with figuring out what he can control (his own holiday plans) and not managing others’ feelings or trying to persuade anyone to behave differently, knowing that if the family truly wants his company badly enough, they’ll put an end to the ugly bickering. You can have that peace, too! If you can’t bring yourself to skip the miserable, argumentative holidays this year, plan some enjoyable one-on-one time with your brother and your mom instead. Classic Prudie My younger brother “Matt” has been dating “Anya” for about two years. They recently got engaged. I was in town about a week ago, and Matt and Anya shared a secret with me—they aren’t into each other romantically at all. They both have had really bad luck with dating. They both really want to have kids and they’re getting older and finding it harder to see that as a possibility if they wait…
