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My wife and I married in the mid-2000s. I’m Asian American, she’s white, and we built a happy life on the West Coast, where my family lives and where I feel deeply rooted. Just before the pandemic, my wife — who is from the South — asked to move closer to her aging parents. Without much discussion, we bought a house in the South. At the time, I told myself, “Happy wife, happy life.” Now, years later, I’m filled with regret that I didn’t think more carefully about the downsides. As an Asian American in the South, I often feel out of place, and I miss the belonging I had in the Bay Area. Along with regret, I feel resentment: I sacrificed a great deal to honor her desire to move, but she seems unwilling to reciprocate when it comes to my longing to return. When I raise the issue, she says we might revisit it in 2030, after our daughter graduates from high school. But that feels unbearably far away, and I fear she’ll resist even then. I’ve tried to find compromises — like more trips or a second home in the Bay Area — but the truth is we spend nearly all our time in the South. Meanwhile, I carry the financial load for a lifestyle that doesn’t feel like mine. I feel stuck between three options: accept this life in the South, try to create a bicoastal arrangement, or keep pressing for a return to the Bay Area in 2030. How do I honor my own needs without damaging my marriage further? And how can I talk with my wife in a way that moves us forward, instead of deepening resentment? From the Therapist: What strikes me about your letter is what you told yourself at the time of the move: “Happy wife, happy life.” This common phrase, offered as marital advice, can lead to a profound sense of dissatisfaction. It suggests that in service of your wife’s happiness, your own needs are negligible. Of course, taking your partner’s happiness into account is both healthy and necessary in any marriage. But “happy wife, happy life” amounts to a costly bargain: Resentment is the price you eventually pay for abandoning yourself. So far, it sounds as if the conversations between you and your wife have circled around logistics — what arrangements can be made to be in which location, and for how long. But to move forward, you need to initiate the unspoken conversation taking place underneath: What kind of marriage do we want to have? Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times. Thank you for your patience while we verify access. Already a subscriber? Log in. Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
