By Laura Goddard

Copyright thescottishsun

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend loves “edgy sex”. It was exciting at first but he’s really pushing the boundary these days.

I’m worried he’ll take it too far. During sex last night, he put a pillow over my face and held it there.

I couldn’t breathe, and started to panic. But, even though I was clearly struggling — kicking my legs and trying to pull him off — it seemed an eternity before he would stop.

It’s not the first time he’s done something like this. He’s often very aggressive when we’re in bed.

I don’t like it. What should I do? I’m a 28-year-old woman, and he’s 30.

We met online earlier this year, and after chatting for several weeks, decided to take things further.

When we met, there was instant chemistry and the sex was insanely good.

But since then, even though we have sex frequently, I haven’t enjoyed it as much.

When we are having intercourse, he likes to push me around, pull my hair and call me nasty names.

He even makes me say I like it — and humiliating me seems to really turn him on.

Worse, he sometimes chokes me with his hands.

Once, I felt I was starting to pass out and I was terrified I might not wake up again.

He said I needed to trust him, that he’d never do anything to harm me.

But I don’t like the look in his eyes when he’s treating me badly in bed. It’s almost like he’s possessed.

Even though he’s kind and respectful, I no longer trust him.

How can I tell him I want him to be gentler in bed? I do like it when a man takes control, but he goes way too far.

Even though he’s kind and respectful, I no longer trust him.

How can I tell him I want him to be gentler in bed? I do like it when a man takes control, but he goes way too far.

DEIDRE SAYS: This isn’t edgy sex, it’s dangerous sex. He’s putting your health, even your life, at risk.

Unfortunately, because it is commonly seen in porn, some people now think choking is a “normal” part of sex.

But it’s highly dangerous and can have long-lasting effects.

You’re not being silly. You need to tell him that this can’t be part of your sex life.

Choking, even consensual choking, is illegal in England & Wales. Tell your boyfriend this has to stop – non-fatal strangulation is a criminal offence with a maximum sentence of 5 years in prison.

I’m also concerned that you feel he enjoys humiliating you. Again, this is probably the influence of watching porn.

You deserve respect. If he can’t treat you with more consideration, please think about ending the relationship. No one should ever be forced to do anything in bed that they are not comfortable with.

THANK YOU FOR HELP SEEING TRUTH ABOUT CHEAT EX

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my girlfriend cheated on me, I was devastated and unsure whether or not to give her a second chance.

Both in our mid-20s, we’d been dating for four years and had just moved in together.

The first weekend she spent alone, when I went home to visit family, she got drunk and had a one-night stand.

She begged me to forgive her and try again, but I felt disgusted by her behaviour and questioned if she was the type of woman I wanted to be with.

You were sympathetic and made me think about why she’d cheated and how I felt about the relationship.

To get a deeper understanding of her feelings and if she was truly remorseful, you suggested that I talk to her about it. You told me of the benefits of relationship counselling, and urged me to contact tavistockrelationships.org (0207 380 1975).

Plus you sent your support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Cheating, Can you Get Over It?

After a heart-to-heart, I realised my girlfriend wasn’t truly committed and broke up with her. Separating has been emotionally painful and logistically difficult, but I know it’s for the best.

Thank you for helping me see my way through.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry your relationship has ended, but glad you’ve made a decision that feels right for you. It will take time to feel better, but you will.

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF HUBBY LEERING AT LEGGY WOMEN

DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I’ve told him many times that I find it upsetting, my husband can’t stop staring at other women when we’re out together.

Sometimes, he even makes a loud, approving noise. The worst thing is, he totally denies it, implying that I’m either going crazy or making it up. It’s humiliating and makes me feel unattractive.

We’ve been married for 30 years. I’m 55 and he’s 56.

I know I’m no longer young or slim, but neither is he. Yet he acts like a teenage boy, leering at women young enough to be one of our daughters.

He particularly seems to find tall, long-legged brunettes appealing – the very opposite of me. It makes me question whether I was ever his type.

I appreciate that it’s natural to find good-looking people attractive, and I don’t expect him to walk around with blinkers on.

But I don’t understand why he has to be so hurtful and insensitive about it. We still have sex, and he tells me he loves me. I don’t have any reason to think he’s cheating, or planning to cheat.

What can I do? This is really getting me down and sapping my confidence.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband is treating you with a lack of respect, which is damaging both your relationship and your self-esteem.

Yes, it’s normal to find people who aren’t your partner aesthetically pleasing, but he’s rubbing it in your face. And not only is he checking out other women, he is also gaslighting you by suggesting you’re overreacting or mistaken. That’s cruel.

You need to tell him that this isn’t a laughing matter.

Explain how this is making you feel about yourself and ask if he’s doing this because he’s unhappy. It’s worth thinking about couples counselling.

See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more advice on this, and read the leaflet called Building Self-esteem.